I keep having second thoughts. Alex was chosen with lots of restrictions, and before i identified strictly as trans. I identified as bigender when i found the name Alex. I wanted something that wouldn't raise suspicion but most definitely wasn't my birth name cause i've literally always hated it even back in elementary, and i also wanted the initial to be the same because i wanted to ease the dypshoria that signing with my initials would otherwise bring at work. So i've always been like...well, what would i have chosen if i'd been more solid in my gender identity back then? But i don't want to hop on a name and use it everywhere all over again. Because i was solid with the name Alex. But i figure...if i'm ever mentally and financially stable enough, i wanna go on testosterone and if i get a decent support system too then maybe top surgery. But without anybody to support me during the recovery period (or the money, obv) then idk if that's feasible. I just...how do you know? I had times at work where i desperately wanted to introduce myself to new people as Alex instead of my birth name. But now when i say it...like its not bad, but like...like what if i used either 'Alex' or 'Alexsander' as a middle name and found a different first name, w/o any of the restrictions? I kept trying to find a first name to honor someone but every time i thought i found one, it fell through for one reason or another. So perhaps paying homage to my own transition journey is better instead. For now. Until i change my mind yet again.