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How do you know if you're asexual?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by starmotive, Jan 27, 2021.

  1. starmotive

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    Hey y'all,

    I'm 25, F and have never been in a relationship. I came out as gay a few years ago, but have always wondered if maybe I am asexual.

    I know I am physically attracted to women and want to spend the rest of my life living with a woman. I can confidently say that I could not live my life alone. I see myself cuddling with a woman, making breakfast for her, doing all the domestic things with her.

    But I don't know if I am sexually attracted to women. The thought of bodily fluids (kissing, being intimate) kind of grosses me out, but that may be because
    1. I'm kind of germophobic (not that extreme, but for example, I hate shaking hands with people) or
    2. I've never done anything with anyone so maybe I will enjoy being intimate with a woman and just don't know it or
    3. I'm actually asexual/on some spectrum??
    Any thoughts would be helpful,
    Thanks!
     
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  2. QuietPeace

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    There are people who will tell you that no one is actually asexual, that feeling that way is only due to trauma or something like that. I am not so sure about that. I did feel that I was asexual for quite a few years as I had no interest in being physical with anyone. That is until I met and got to know my current boyfriend really well. I now say that I am demisexual since I do enjoy being physical with him.

    Your first point certainly can interfere with being physical with someone, I think there are therapies that can help with that though I am not sure as I do not have such a problem (though I suspect that the whole virus thing right now could interfere with that). The second and third can be checked by experimenting, though I believe that if someone is simply experimenting they should be open about that with the person they are seeing.
     
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  3. Harleigh

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    I don't know if this will answer your question at all, but I'll share my experience.

    I was around 30 when I had my first sexual experience with a heterosexual friend. We decided to do a FWB/no strings attached type thing. It wasn't great for either of us and he kept blurting out "Maybe I'm gay" and he would always later say he was just kidding. I don't know. So for a while I wasn't sure if I wasn't into men or if we just had no chemistry. (I had never made it past a 3rd date in my life, never had a ton of interest in dating, always had a ton of anxiety, have hangups with bodily fluids as well.)

    I grew up in a strict religious household and had never even considered the possibility that I might not be straight. I started to identify as asexual, and did for several years. (Asexual being lack of sexual attraction.) Once sex was out of the equation, I started opening up to the possibility of having a romantic relationship or cuddling with a woman, and once I got used to that idea I started to think about sex with a woman. I read some lesbian erotic fiction that turned me on, except for the bodily fluids part. So, from what I understand, it seems like a lot of lesbians don't use barriers, but for safe sex one really should do that. For example, dental dams when giving or receiving oral. You can also wear gloves when doing other intimate activities.

    I am also really nervous about doing anything sexual with anyone, since I have only done sexual activities with one person before, and not a woman. I am not really sure how to get over that, but I am talking to a therapist and reading some sex-positive books. I think I do want to have sex with a woman, so I guess I'm not asexual. If/when I actually try it maybe it will confirm that I'm gay and maybe it will turn out that I am asexual after all.

    It's more difficult but I'm sure that it is possible to find someone who will do all the romantic things without doing the sexual things.
     
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  4. Chip

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    There's no question asexuality exists. It's been studied and documented for 60+ years.

    As to whether you're asexual... part of the challenge is whose definition you're using. If you're using the widely recognized one that's been used by professionals for decades, then we're talking about a hardwired, unchangeable orientation in the same way being hetero or homosexual is hardwired. If you're using the evidence-free crowdsourced definition, then someone who has the flu can be labeled asexual, because nobody has sexual desire when they have the flu. So basically, you can choose the definition you want to use.

    If you're using the credible definition, what you're describing with the germophobia sounds like there may be some underlying anxiety. And anxiety will attenuate interest in sexual behavior significantly (as well depression). So it is more likely than not that your lack of interest is due more to the anxiety than to anything hardwired. Most likely if you address that in therapy and resolve it, you'll find underneath that a normal sex drive. The difference here is, someone who is hardwired asexual isn't going to have any desire even if there's no mental health issue. The person with the mental health issue isn't really asexual, they just have suppressed their sexual desire because of the complications of the mental health problem.

     
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