How do you get over someone you were never with?

Paraphrasing here but earlier you said something to the effect of "I don't know how to be a normal friend to her." That's the problem, isn't it? Is there such a thing as being a normal friend to someone you're in love with? Some people may argue yes, but I think that denies our feelings and humanity in a way that we as non-heteronormative people for some reason feel is our special burden to bear or simply our lot in life.

On the other hand, perhaps cutting her off really is more than you can handle right now, and that's ok too. Maybe there is a middle ground here? Rather than cutting her off you could try just branching out a little bit and spending a little more time with other people? That could be just what you need to get some space and hopefully clear your head by not fixating too much on your relationship with her.

 

Hey sorry I didn't get back today, four hours sleep and everyday of my life is.. My god they don't have a word to describe my life right now... unreal? Lol lol I found it. Everyday of my life is inconceivable lol

 

No I'm kinda ok... only got 4 hours last night but it's too early to actually go to sleep... west coast

 

So how are things on getting over the bff today? I saw where you mentioned you gush at her now. Hehe I still have a few screen shots of some ridiculous heart emote crap you've ever seen lol

 

my four hours of sleep is starting to catch up with me. I'm still awake but brain is running at about 20% right now. there is no way i can look over what you wrote last night and form coherent thoughts right now lol but for real for real tomorrow morning i have nothing going on. I'll get up, grab coffee and start rereading everything to get it fresh in my mind. I'll get another cup of coffee, then write my responses lol
Ok so did all that make sense? I think I'm at 17% now... lol.. ughhh it's like I can feel my brain falling sleep...
Ok I'm back, I had one more thing to say, tell me how many screen shots!! lol I had so effing many for the longest time. I guess I still do... They're on a backup hard drive in my closet... should I go delete them now? Lol I'm so freaking tired! And I just got a txt.... ahhhhhhhhh my life is so odd... lol lol ok I admit I'm a little high and a lot tired so I'm pretty slap happy right. But it's just too funny, my life is so odd right now, if I explained what the emote I just got in a txt ment. you'd say WTF lol

 

I think about this pretty regularly concerning my wife and the truth is there just isn't enough information to say anything for sure, My wife isn't introspective, and she is very similar in the want to avoid things as long as possible, especially emotional things. But I think there are a lot of people that fall into this category. LGBT or not. I think these might be traits expressed more on the masculine side of the things, but I have no idea if you can show more than just a corraliary effect. So yah, Maybe she's gay? lol So that was the real answer, but I think you want more than that. Sure we could make this fit into a story where she's really gay but maybe has some kind of block against it so that's why she can't reciprocate your feelings, but this story isn't any more plausible than many others. Maybe she's really straight but doesn't know it lol, or asexual, or maybe she's gay and you're not her "type" ... Unfortunately I see no one to know what's really going on.

This part sucks... brb new cup of coffee. Back. And yah, this part sucks. I seem to remember you saying some place that she's the only one you feel you could talk to about all this stuff, This is poop . I keep trying to figure out ways that this could "work" but I just can't see it. You talk to her about how you feel and she's going to feel bad and guilty. The only way she wouldn't is if she didn't care about you and that doesn't seem like the case, and to be honest I think it's probably not good for you either besides the guilt on her part. I'm not saying you're doing this but when we're kids we run to our parents when we get hurt, We love them, trust them, and they have the power to fix things.. I can see the same kind of thing here for you. You love her, trust her and she has the power to fix this. I think there could be some kind of subconscious thing where you feel maybe if you show her enough of your pain she'll fix it for you and we know this isn't the case. Again I have no idea if this is true for you. If it is or isn't you still need to find ways to take all that power she has back. So my opinion is find someone else to talk to about her, I agree if there was someone that knew you both that would be great, but if there isn't find someone else. Also, I'd probably put on a fake smile and tell her you're good. If the idea of being dishonest with her doesn't sit well, Tell her what you're going to do. "Hey you shouldn't feel guilty about how I feel, I'm just going to pretend everything is better until it is." you might even throw in " please give me some time before you ask how i'm doing" . I know faking it sounds bleh, but it can help a little. It's a little wall you're putting between the two of you, nothing big just some space. And for real ... this goes right into the next quote, you need to go find some new people. Like today

What I just said... and I'm sorry. It does suck and I know exactly what you mean. Ugh... I do know exactly what you mean... which means maybe I should take some of my own advice... Damn it now i'm thinking of my own life... but I don't wanna.... sigh..
So, yah.... I know it can be hard to start taking those real actions that can be needed to get over someone you love. It's giving up on the love in a way. And who wants to give up on love? lol. You do! That's who! heh.. I joke but, we both know that this love is causing more hurt than good for you and her. Find a real action you could do that would help and do it. Join a club, a group, a team, meet friends of friends, find a way to have other people in your life. Doesn't have to be big, just find a real actionable thing you could do and do it. Big or small.

I know I'm talking about this in a typical guy way, "how do we fix this" but I can't help it. I feel like just talking isn't going to do it. This feels like one of those times where action is required. I was in a similar place as you and I had so much trouble moving on, my situation was different than yours and a lot of the things you can do to make things better I couldn't . chuckle don't be like me, get up and go find something fun to do, like ASAP heh

 

Yep I found this possibility very insightful for myself also, I do the same thing.. You broke me you fix me! lol My therapist says this gives other people too much control over how you feel. I agree with her but it's not easy when it comes to this kind of thing. It feels like they alone have the power to take away your pain.

Ok so... I get it. Hannah and I shared a lot of what was going on between us with a mutual friend. It was weird and years later I feel like she probably told our secrets to other people but it's been like years so whatever lol For me it didn't really help much, but it was just nice to have someone else to sit with and bitch about things with lol. Sure we'd talk about things with Hannah but she didn't have any insights that I didn't already know. it was more of just of venting to someone that knew her so they could really understand where i was coming from. The only thing we really figured out is that Hannah was a great friend that you'd never want to date lol
Eh... if you still want to talk to A then I'd just ask her if you could talk to A about it. My life right now is very much about being open and honest and direct with people. If the girl you like is... responsible? caring? idk, She should understand the need to talk about it with someone else. Just explain that it would be helpful for you to talk to this friend. If she says you can talk with her about things, you need to be assertive and explain that it wouldn't work. She would feel guilty, you'd feel guilty that she's feeling guilty...and repeat. .. That and you just need to find other ways to fix what hurts that don't involve her. It's not mean it's just the truth.

Grin, yah i know what you mean, for me I barely feel like I have the emotional energy to open mail nowadays lol I know the idea of adding anything to what you have going on sounds hard, but I think if you find a way to add new things to your life it will help put the other things in better perspective. So the answer to the question of how soon is now. I know talking about it is .. fun? no not fun.. therapeutic? maybe that. But I also know that the more mental energy you spend thinking of her only makes it harder to move on. Talk about things with her to find a way to move on, and not as a recreational activity Tho I do have fun chatting with about these things.. well until they make me think of my own life booo!!! lol
Maybe I can help you with this, sometimes we all just need a little direction heh. Lets make a list, 5 things that you get from being around her. Another list, 5 actions you could take to meet new people. With an emphasis on finding people you might want to date. Another list, 5 actions you could take to make your life a little easier, this one could also include things that make you happy that don't include her lol
ok I need to go but I want to see these list ASAP

 

Oh yeah I'm definitely judging you!... no not really lol. I'm glad you're able to talk to friend A, It might not fix things, but I'm sure it will feel nice to just be open and honest with them about what's going on for you.
Eh I might of messed up on the five things you get from her... I was hoping they would be simpler and we could find other ways for those needs to be filled. I think it's still true, you need to find other ways to get your needs met, but the "feeling of home" ... that's just not easy to replicate So if you can't think of a way to get this stuff from other people then I would look at the fact that nothing you listed are things you couldn't get from a regular best friend. So do you really need to date her? What do you really want from her? do you need the romance side of things? Just some thoughts.
five actions you can take to meet new people..
1. eh.. maybe. Being more sociable definitely helps and it could help make new friends but it doesn't do a good job of finding women for you to date.
2. Pretty much same as above depending on the event.
3. I think this is a good idea, plus i think it might give you info on other events you would want to check out.
4. So.... Why not, just because you make a profile it doesn't mean you have to do anything with it. Make it, check it for fun, and you never know you could be pleasantly surprised.
5. Ugg.. I hate that one...Don't get me wrong, going to a bar with friends can be fun, but it's not my thing for dating. But maybe it's your thing, give it a go with some friends and see what happens.

1. ok, let's try a little of this. Next time you get that urge to txt her just let it go or txt someone else. Try doing this a couple of times a day.
2. For sure, and not just sitting around. Find active things to do that fully engage your mind so you don't have time to think of her.
3.Duh... hehe Pick something, my hobby is Photography.
4. You have to like something at least a little lol.. art? music? LGBT rights? Tennis?... mini golf?? lol find something that sounds fun.

 

Framing and posing is the hard part, knowing how to use a camera takes no creativity just practice.
For me passion for things kind of just jump around. It's like really long ADHD.. I'll get something in my head then i'm doing it for like a month before i focus on something else. Photography stuck around because I ended up having photo buddies.. and yep Hannah was the big one.. I basically taught her everything she knows about photography, she loved taking pictures and loved having her photo taken... you know those kind of girls that live for likes on their FB photos. It's funny her all time most liked profile pic was one i took the night we crossed out of the friend zone. Anyway the point I was trying to make before her who must not be named popped to mind. Is that find someone else to do the activity with. There are a ton of hobbies that are fun in groups. Photography is for sure my favorite. I've yet to do one here in the san francisco area but one day I will, they have so many many photoclubs/meetups here.
Or just find one friend that wants to do the same thing.. like paint a pot, any of that artsy crafty stuff, I used to do a freaking TON of that stuff with Hannah. We'd hit up salvation army stores , flea markets, antique stores, we probably stole 4 dozen old mason jars from an abandoned house. I was kinda like her straight gay bestfriend lol. I'm straight but I freaking love flea market flip lol

 

Ummm yah that just oozed with maturity lol Good luck!

 

Well you know.... umm you could actually ignore her... just say'n