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How do you get over someone you were never with?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by starmotive, Dec 31, 2017.

  1. mlansing

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    I personally think that her reasons for not reciprocating are hers and knowing what they are won't necessarily help you get over her. I do think getting space from her is a good idea. It doesn't mean you can't be friends down the line, but for now it's in your own best interest to get some distance so that you can try to put it to rest and move on.
     
  2. starmotive

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    Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I really did want to know her reasoning, but you're right. It's none of my business why she said no. Thank you for reminding me of boundaries.
     
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  3. Nata

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    I had feelings for my best friend too and i knew there is no way she would feel the same. She was in love with my other friend, seeing them together was really painful, every time i had to wear mask "i'm so happy for you". I went through depressions and same was mentally drained, i didn't have enough courage to open and didn't want to destroy our friendship. The only option for me was time and self distance, i had good excuses - studying and working, i've just drowned my feelings. We're still friends now, i love and care about her, but not in love anymore.
     
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  4. starmotive

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    Hey guys, just wanted to update you on what happened. I asked my friend if we could hang out and that I wanted to talk to her about something. I had gone over what I wanted to say in my head beforehand, but as I was talking to her I got really emotional and I was trying not to cry and I couldn't do it. I couldn't ask her for the space that I clearly need to get over her. I told her that I'm sad, that I'm in pain and that I thought that maybe space would help but that I wasn't sure what I wanted. I just can't bring myself to cut someone so important in my life out, even if it's only temporarily. In a previous conversation I did end up asking her why she said no (I know I'm an a** for asking) and it wasn't any of my business, but having a reason kind of made it more concrete in a sense I guess
     
    #44 starmotive, Jan 4, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2018
  5. HelpLOL

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    How do you feel about the reason, can you see her side? Doesn't sound like you agree with it but can you respect it as her opinion?
     
  6. starmotive

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    No I do respect it as her opinion. It's a valid reason and I understand why it made her say no. I guess I was just hoping for a more clear cut reason (i.e. I don't like girls or I don't like you). I was hoping that something like that might make it more concrete in my mind that there's no chance with her if that makes sense. Like I feel like now that I have my reason it hasn't really changed me or helped me get over her.
     
  7. HelpLOL

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    Yah that "is there a chance?" thing.. that's what kills yah. I guess it depends on her reason.. is it something that could change? is it a maybe? If it's a no or maybe or not any time soon then you should treat her reason as concrete, it might not be completely clear to you why she's choosing No, but if that's her choice you need to believe her. Like all the way believe her, try to believe her reason is a good reason. Not that you agree but that you believe it's a good enough reason for her. For me getting over someone is partly about getting my mind and heart on the same page. I try to understand them, not argue about their reasons (this one is hard for me) just believe them. This gets my head in the right spot then I attempt to bridge that gap of my heart catching up. That can take a long time.. That damn heart never listens to logic :/ So i'll be honest it's really easy to say you understand someone's side and you know her reasons and respect them, but in reality it usually takes time for the heart and head to get on the same page with that kind of thing.
    I just need to say that the way I do it is just that, my way of figuring out things is to use logic to get me in the right neighborhood and then get my heart to follow.. It doesn't like following orders but I give it scooby snacks so that helps lol
     
  8. starmotive

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    Scooby snacks! She basically said she doesn't feel anything towards me. Which in theory could change at some point, but I know that's her way of saying No and I know her well enough to get the impression that that won't change either. I do believe her reason is a good reason, I mean why be with someone if you're not into them? but my head and my heart are on opposite ends of the spectrum. My head knows that she said No and that we will never be together and I understand her reason behind it, but my heart still cares so much for her that it can't accept that. I feel like I have so much emotionally invested in her that I don't know how to not care so deeply for her anymore and just be a normal friend to her.
     
  9. HelpLOL

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    So how much emotional investment are we talking? What ever it is I've been there, the first person I ever fell in love with dumped me for a very silly reason, we ended you being best friends for like 20 years lol those romantic feelings can over time change and just add to your friendship. For me I took some time off from her. Basically going from bffs to no contact for two months. It hurt, but after the hurt wore off I just missed her around. So I ended up showing up at her door and we stayed best friends. Granted we actually dating for a few weeks, but I think the story is similar enough to show those feelings can end up strengthening a friendship.
     
  10. starmotive

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    To the point where I'm willing to drop everything to try and be there for her. Granted I can't be there physically because we're miles apart most of the year, but if she needs me I try everything to help her. I've put aside my own responsibilities on the back burner for her before and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I also used to be her daily reminder for things, but I've since stopped because I could see it wearing on my mental state. While I do things for other friends, she's the first person I've ever felt this deeply for, the first person that I'd sacrifice myself for without a second thought. It's really scary to be that emotionally involved in someone and not have it returned. It's like I'm stuck at sea and there's no rope to pull me back. So to be clear, in your situation you guys are still friends? Was needing space something you talked to her about? Like was it something that you discussed mutually before coming to the decision to spend some time apart or was it something you presented to her? As I mentioned before, I've briefly mentioned possibly wanting space with her, but at the same time I don't know if it's what I want...
     
  11. HelpLOL

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    Ok so, I get where you're coming from. Since you say you don't see her most of the year I'm wondering if you might be idealizing things with her a little. I don't mean that at all negative. Sometimes the idea of a person can out shine the reality pretty easily. These can be even harder to move past. For me things with Mandy, were very real. We saw each other every day and in some way i had to get over them. I told her I needed some time, she said ok and something like she'd be there afterwards. Now what I'm wondering if your friend is less like a Mandy and more like this girl Hannah that I dated. Again best friends but...there was some aspect that felt like I put her on a pedestal. That was even harder to get over, time really didn't help a whole lot. We tried talking less often but it didn't help, Went long periods of not talking, and it helped but I couldn't move on completely. For me finding someone else is what finally helped me move on. If you're in more of a Hannah situation than a Mandy maybe getting yourself out there and dating might help. Try to find ways to move those feelings into things/ people that want and deserve those feelings
     
  12. starmotive

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    I get what you mean and I've thought about it before too. We keep in contact everyday, but I'm away at college so we don't physically see each other other than through video calls. I don't think I put her on a pedestal or that I idealize her, but I guess it's possible that since we keep in touch so often that she kind of imprinted on me. But I've come to realize that even when we did see each other every day, there was always something a bit different about the way I treated her vs all my other friends. We never got into fights and things that she did never bothered me the same way it did when other people did them. I was always quick to come to her defense even back then, when I didn't know I had feelings for her. Idealization may have heightened my feelings for her, but I'm pretty sure the feelings were there from the start.

    The problem is that I was never looking for a relationship with someone. I don't even know if I feel ready to be in a relationship with someone, but somehow the thought of being in a relationship with her didn't scare me. Point is, getting out on the dating scene may help me get over her, but I don't actually know if I want to be in a relationship right now.
     
  13. HelpLOL

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    Going to reply more later this evening, but I just have to say how well thought out your responses are about everything. I'm glad you know yourself so well and I'm sorry you know yourself so well. lol being introspective is very much a mixed bag.
     
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  14. HelpLOL

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    Ok, I'm back.
    I'm talking about myself here so let me know if it's similar to your situation, For me the whole pedestal thing wasn't anything I did consciously, we were just really really good friends for a long time, we clicked, we had a lot of the same friends, a lot of parties back in the day, she went off to college away for a year, we may not of spent a lot of time talking that year but everytime she came home we'd meet up, if something crazy happened I get a call from her "you're not going to believe this...." lol as time went on we just hung out more and more.. For the longest time I didn't realize I loved her in anyway except as friend. Lets bring this ramble back around to the topic. It's not exactly that I put her on a pedestal but she was truly my best friend. That kind of closeness is like beer goggles in a way. They just seem perfect... except for the fact that they aren't into you that way. For me this one was especially hard to get over, we did "date" for a bit.. and i'll admit it was pretty nice. But it had it's problems, i could give you a ton of problems it had lol.. 1. she had a boyfriend. 2. I was friends with said boyfriend the 3 of us went on road trips together.. etc... and that's just scratching the surface. My friendship goggles just made those things seem to not matter. She was a great friend, and dating her was pretty perfect when it worked, but in the end she wanted to end things. She was able to jump right back into that bestfriend spot pretty easy but i wasn't. The BFF stuff would just make my heart go back to that spot that was in love with her. :/ So with Hannah, I just wasn't able to come back to the just friends spot. I had to fall for someone else to completely shake off those feelings about her. And to be honest there is still a soft spot for her but I'm over the in love thing.
    Sorry about the long story, probably one of the first times I've really talked about it. So that was really for me lol no really I think you can see what i'm talking about with how friendship can put a finger on the scales of the heart. When it's with someone that feels the same about you it's great, when they don't it really really sucks lol.
    About the getting out there and dating thing, Just my opinion here but it sounds like you're ready for some kind of relationship with the right person. You fell for the wrong person so it only makes sense that you could fall for the right person lol. I'm not saying build a ton dating profiles n crap, but I'd keep a look out. Right now it could be a little hard, but sooner or later you will move on. So.. why not try for sooner rather than later heh
    ok that's all I got hopefully something in there helped lol if not thanks for letting me .. vent about the Hannah thing.
     
  15. starmotive

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    Thank you for sharing your story, I really appreciate it. Okay wow our stories are eerily similar. We've been best friends since high school, we went to different colleges but somehow started talking more, then I went away to university and we've been calling and talking more and more. I feel comfortable talking to her about anything and everything...except asking for space haha. When I'm back home she's always the first of my friends to ask when I'm free and she's always excited to see me. On the flip side, she's always my priority when I'm home, if I don't have that much time to hang out with friends, you can bet that the time I have will be spent with her. It's things like that that I do that I know are because I have feelings for her, but she truly genuinely is my best friend so I try to play it off as that. It's a vicious circle though because is she actually my best friend or do I think she's my best friend because I like her? Do I like her because she's my best friend or because I actually have feelings for her? It's things like that that kept me up for a long time. Sorry I went on a tangent, but I'm pretty sure I like her for her. All that to say that even when I started having feelings for her, it took me a long time to realize that they weren't 'best friend' feelings but that I loved her. I hear what you're saying about friendship being like beer goggles, but I don't have that. I recognize her faults and I see them as a part of her. It's the hardships that she's been through that make her who she is, that have shaped her to be the person I have feelings for.
    As for the dating thing, I may or may not be ready for a relationship, that's up for debate. But I guess this sounds kind of stupid but how do you go about finding the right person? I don't feel like I'm in the right mindset to be looking for someone else when I'm still stuck in the rut of my friend. And why would anyone want to date someone who's still in love with someone else? All my insecurities are surfacing I guess...
     
  16. HelpLOL

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    Yah a lot of that sounds like my story, it's falling for your best friend and it can suck lol. And from the way you talk I think she was a best friend first, which then just magnified the other feelings which probably came about because of the closeness you have with her. I think we should point out that this is a perfectly fine way to fall in love. Being in love with your best friend is a pretty sweet spot and wanting that seems only reasonable. It's just too bad that she doesn't feel the same way. I know that seems like an understatement, it's more than "too bad".. It really freaking sucks!, yah i get it. :frowning2: But unfortunately there is absolutely nothing that can be done except to find a way forward.
    As for the dating thing, eh I might of overstated finding the "right" person. Not every love story involves the "right" person. You just keep going until you find the "right" person. I feel like others on here could do a better job with helping you with dating advice like how to meet other LGBT people in your area, but there are the basics like Lgbt groups and meet ups, even websites for dating.. but you'd probably want to just start by getting out there and going to some meet ups. Just expanding the group of people you know to include more people that you might want to have a relationship with and very importantly would also want to have a relationship with you. :slight_smile: From your status it says that you're not out to everyone so that might be a hard step for you i'm not sure, but again if you're looking to take that step there are a ton of people on this forum that could help. About being in the right mindset to be looking...you might not be ready to go looking, but you kinda owe it to yourself to be open to it if it pops up. And I might not totally agree with it but many people out there do get over someone by just dating someone new. I don't really agree with this, feels like it brings unresolved issues to the new relationship, but it seems to work for some people. I'd try to just meet new people and hopefully those thoughts of your BFF will slowly get replaced with someone that has the the same feelings for you. I think that addresses your date someone who's still in love with someone else thing, hopefully you won't be.
    And lastly :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: that last line kinda felt like a pity party. I know the situation sucks and the idea of dating anyone else seems pretty unreal, but falling in love with the wrong person happens. I've been in love a few times. Just stay open to it happening again, and meet people. When you're ready, or maybe when you're not, you'll get suckerpunched by it again. heh
     
    #56 HelpLOL, Jan 5, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2018
  17. starmotive

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    Yeah she was a friend turned best friend turned something more turned into wanting to be in a relationship with her unfortunately :sob:
    Looking for a new relationship with so many unresolved feelings feels a bit too much like ‘rebounding’ for my liking, although I do see where the logic of finding someone else to invest your feelings with comes into play.
    Haha I’ve been having a pity party mostly alone for the past four months wanna keep me company? I really do want to believe that the pain will ease and I’ll eventually meet someone but it sucks so bad that’s it’s hard to stay positive you know?
    Thank you so much for all the advice and input. I appreciate it dearly. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write out so many well worded replies :slight_smile:
     
  18. HelpLOL

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    No worries really, I'm on my phone now so I'll be a little less verbose heh ok so you're 4 months in on this hu? It's not rebounding at this point. It's ok to meet people. Doesn't look like this is going to go away unless you do something about it. And I really do understand i tried EVERYTHING when trying to get over Hannah. I'm not going to go into big picture ( that story if your interested is on a thread in the later in life section) but in the small picture it took reconnecting with a past love to fully move on. And no worries really about chatting about this. Some times chatting with a random person on a forum helps, umm that's why I'm here lol sometimes they give a different perspective, or good advice, and sometimes they let you vent about that damn girl Hannah that broke me for a long time lol So thank you for that. It was interesting seeing it fully in the past. It's still a little new for me to be over her. Feels really good actually lol
     
  19. starmotive

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    I just read through your posts and that was a Ride to say the least. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I read some stuff that was mentioned in your posts that made me think of some stuff. For one, you talked about introspection and denial. A few months after I came out to my friend, she ‘came out’ to me as not liking guys, possibly liking girls, possibly being asexual. She’s mentioned maybe being asexual/not feeling attracted to anyone maybe two or three times after that. But in general she isn’t very introspective about anything. She’s told me herself that she’d rather avoid things until they can’t be avoided any longer before having to deal with them. Her reason for saying no was that she didn’t feel anything between us. I understand her reason perfectly but I’m just wondering if there’s a possibility that she might be gay since she her reason wasn’t that she didn’t like girls? I mean I know it wouldn’t change anything since she doesn’t feel anything for me but I’m just wondering. Second of all someone mentioned something about guilt. I feel the need to talk to her about all of this. About how I’m hurting and sad, how I might need distance to get over her. But all the times I’ve mentioned being said do since I’ve told her I like her, I can see that she feels bad for causing me pain. I try to tell her it isn’t her fault but if I make her feel guilty every time I talk to her about this, is it better I just don’t bring it up at all? Because she’ll check in on me from time to time me and ask me how I’m doing and the truth off the matter is that I’m suffering but I usually tell her some vague form of ok because I hate making her feel guilty. I clearly need someone to help me through the pain, but the person I want to help me is the person causing me pain...you see the problem? I don’t feel right talking to other friends about it because they either don’t understand the situation because they can’t relate or because they don’t know both of us. I’m under the belief that it’s easier to help when you understand both sides but I don’t have anyone in my life like that other than her and it sucks. Okay it’s 4am and I’m probably rambling. I’ll clarify anything in the morning
     
  20. HelpLOL

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    Agreed, 1:40 here, must sleep I'll respond to giant post in the morning.