How do you find others?

It feels like a lifetime ago now, it's actually nice to be able to talk about it.

 

I hope I didn't offend you, I was just kidding. I wish I communicated better when I was younger like you to be honest. I didn’t always handle things the best way. I had a few awkward ‘after’ moments that I wish I could forget! This is not the worst by any means but once I walked fully naked into the kitchen the next morning, filled the kettle up/put it on not realising he lived with his mum. Turned around and she was THERE at the table glaring at me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that woman’s face! She didn’t say anything, neither did I…then I just legged it out of there. I'm so very glad I never saw her again.

 

OMG! Sorry, but that story is hilarious! I'm sure it's still a sore spot for you. The good thing is that you really did nothing wrong and there is nothing to be ashamed about. I bet she gave her son hell though! LOL!

 

Ahahahaha that is brilliant. I would have died right there on the spot! I think my worst embarrassing moment was getting a knock on my room door late at night, one of my housemates was there. I kinda fancied her and wasn't all that discrete about it. She said there was a big spider in her room, and I immediately said she could jump in with me, in a way that implied that was what she was looking for. Then without another word she handed me an empty glass to catch the spider with.

 

You could infer how to fill it and just claim to be... reading between the lines?

 

Well I’m not surprised she froze. I try not to think about it but a random blonde naked stranger in your kitchen first thing in the morning, walking round like she owns the place. It still makes me cringe this to day. But it could have been worse, she could have walked in on me on top of her son the night before. THAT I would struggle to come back from!

I'm guessing you didn't get a reward for catching the spider then?!

 

That is too funny but I'm sure stuff like that happens all the time!

 

I don't know, casually walking around someone else's house with no clothes on feels almost worse than getting caught in the act.

My only reward was her not mentioning it to anyone else and leaving me with a shred of my dignity still intact.

 

God loves a trier. I can't imagine she wasn't too bothered by it.

I was so into someone at work a few years ago, I knew she was straight and married. But I couldn't help what I felt. There was something about her. I just kept it in check. It was very hard though. The annoying thing was we got on well as friends. Grrr.

 

I don't think she was, but I toned it down a bit after that. Funnily enough we became quite good friends in the second and third year after we stopped living together. First year was a bit odd, cause she was definitely the social ringleader of the house when we first all moved in, but she went home with glandular fever before Christmas and wasn't back for a couple of months, and when she was she was still suffering the after effects. In the meantime I'd kinda stepped into her shoes.

Its difficult when someone has that something about them and you just want more. Especially when you know you shouldn't. Definitely felt that when I met my fiance, not as strong as I have with some women but it was actually quite a surprise after feeling nothing for any men at all for about two years, and not really at all since apart from him.

 

How did you meet your fiancé? What was the beginning of your relationship like? I have no love life at the moment so indulge me!!

This colleague was a weird one for me as I’m rarely so into someone. I was fully aware she was 100% straight and yet I still looked forward to her coming into the office and spending time with her. Rather pathetic thinking back on it but I was younger then. She was quietly perceptive and intelligent, moody but also a really kind person. All aphrodisiacs for me haha. I say she was perceptive but she would probably be shocked if she ever found out her junior was into her that way.

 

I'd joined a womens rugby team (for.... reasons), we bumped into the mens team on a night out. He'd been off the team for a while but went out with them that night as he hadn't seen them for a while. We got chatting and just clicked. I wasn't looking for a relationship anyway, as I was just starting university. I didn't even consider him relationship material, there was quite an age gap. He was really busy with his business and had been single for a while and no plans to change that. But we hit it off, he was the most interesting person in the room by a long way. I basically forced my number on him and I only got his because he texted to make sure I'd made it home OK. It was pretty platonic at first, I thought he was attractive but I was way out of my comfort zone with him. He's almost ten years older than me and I had no experience with men (only boys & women/girls around my own age). But we kept in touch. He'd text me from time to time and I'd usually call him on an evening and we'd talk for ages. I'd go home on a weekend every 2 or 3 weeks mostly just to see him, he'd take me out for dinner and drinks, he'd put his jacket over my shoulders when it was cold. It was quite a while before we even kissed, and that was all me. I don't think he would have ever made the first move. We were just casual really for the first few years, we made time for each other every few weekends. Some of his mates got married and I was his +1 which was nice, it felt very grown up. We went on quite a lot of holidays & weekends away together. After I finished uni, I moved back to my home town and we fell into more of a typical relationship, but only moved in together late last year. But his flat was like a second home to me anyway by that point.

I never mentioned him to my friends and housemates at uni for a long time. It felt like I was living two different lives, openly into women and pretty much faking interest in guys when I was at uni, but then every few weeks I would spend a weekend with him doing normal straight stuff. I sometimes felt like a bit of a fraud about it, there were women who wanted to date me, I could have had a girlfriend. But I was always really hesitant about taking that step. Even without him in the picture, I'm not sure I would have. I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if we hadn't met.

 

Why did you keep your relationship with him secret? Can you pinpoint the whys behind why you "felt like a bit of a fraud...?"

 

For quite a long time there wasn't much to tell. But having a boyfriend back at home (even if casual) didn't really fit with the life I was living while away from home. I did bang the drum for WLW quite heavily and was fully out amongst my friend group.

 

Ha, i think i understand. When i first divorced, i thought: "maybe i'm bi?" So i dated a FtM trans person for awhile, and a visiting professor of women's studies at a local University. She was from Germany, and apparently a leader in the lesbian community, and found herself having desires for a guy. She told me that if her community at home had any idea, they'd probably have her shot. i'm sure she was engaging in hyperbole, but the message was apparent.

 

I completely understand the stress of living two different lives and trying to keep them separate. It can be exhausting and ironically lonely. Why were you hesitant about having a potential girlfriend? Would you be worried about bringing her back to your hometown? Long term wise?

It sounds like you have a soulmate there which is a lovely thing to find, he sounds like a great guy. It's hard to find someone patient and accepting. Sometimes there is simply that connection.

I went out with a lovely guy for just under 2 years and I’m not embarrassed to admit I enjoyed the ‘normality’ of it when I was in my early 20’s. We often visited his family in Dublin who were all over me (I didn’t enjoy that part). They were talking of our future. I’m sure they thought I was about to announce I was pregnant or something every time we went over. I knew I didn’t love him, I was acting for them. But I cared for him, we had decent sex, we got each other. I was so VERY close to accepting it. I knew he wanted to settle down with me and everyone else would be happy. But I just couldn’t go through with it in the end. In hindsight it was cruel of me to let it carry on for so long. I’ve known some nasty people but he was one of the good ones which makes it worse.

 

I get that. Looking back, it wasn't really way back then that I like like a bit of a fraud. I think when I first started seeing him, I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought because I didn't expect it to ever become anything long term. It was more like a year or two down the line, when I started to mention to one or two friends that I was seeing a guy back home, they were pretty surprised. It felt a bit awkward to say that we'd been seeing each other for a while.

 

Do you ever think about the Irish guy and what might have happened if you'd stayed with him a bit longer? My feelings for my fiance definitely took a long time to develop and deepen. Cared for him, decent sex, we got each other - that absolutely nails it for the bulk of the time I've been with him. I think its only really in the last couple of years that I've known that I loved him and wouldn't want to be without him, but even then I was still unsure. I think my sexuality played a part in giving me those doubts. Soulmate feels a bit cliche, but the idea of being with him forever and having a family has felt right for a while now.

I'm not sure why I was hesitant. It wasn't because I was unsure about my attraction to women, I'd accepted that fairly early. I did try to come out to my mum, but she didn't really understand. She's a bit backwards, definitely not with the times at all but I've never heard any outright homophobia from her - maybe the "worst" thing she's done is to tut when there was a gay kiss on Coronation Street. I think she just lives in a world where gay people don't exist. I definitely couldn't imagine bringing a girlfriend home, but then I could never imagine myself being in a long term relationship with any of the women I've been involved with either. But I also didn't really feel like I was at that point in my life where I wanted a relationship either. I did think about staying in Manchester, but I was basically priced out and I didn't want to share anymore. Moving home was a lot more affordable, so that's what I did.

 

Well his family were Irish, we actually lived close to each other at the time just outside of London, never moved in together, we just visited them. No. I know I made the right decision. I couldn’t imagine being with him forever and it was getting to the point I had to either commit or get out. I missed him for a long time but he didn’t want to stay in contact with me after and I understood that. Although I wanted to stay in contact. I remember him bringing round my stuff that I kept at his the day after I ended it. He didn’t say anything to me just gave me the bags. It was the first time he was cold towards me. Perhaps then I felt a bit conflicted and regretful seeing his face. It was sad, still makes me sad I caused that. He was such a good person.

When you can imagine being together for life, that is the signifier I think. Like what you have with your fiancé. I hope to find it one day.

So you tried coming out to your mum? What did she say or did she try and pretend it didn’t happen? I have one side of the family who are not nice people, they would be horrible if they knew I was into women. Even though I don’t live close to them now, it still makes me nervous thinking of them ever finding out. Pathetic as an adult to think that way but I suppose it sticks from childhood.

I'm sorry but 'the gay kiss on Coronation Street' made me chuckle. I remember a lesbian kiss on Eastenders when I was young and being fascinated lol.

The same thing happened to my friend, she was at Salford Uni then came back, she couldn’t afford to stay! Had to stay with me for a while bless her. I never went to Uni, was lucky to get trained up and straight into a decent job after A-Levels. Sometimes I regret not going.

 

Feels so cringe just remembering it, but I told her I thought I was bisexual and she asked what that meant to me? She also asked something along the lines of "so how do two women even...." and then just left it hanging. I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I said I wasn't sure how to answer and swiftly changed the subject and she let it go. She'd met my first boyfriend at school and given me 'the talk' but we've never been the sort of family that talks about stuff like that. It's never been mentioned again, thank god. I wouldn't have been cast out if I'd gone home with a girlfriend, but I don't think it would have been welcome news. Have you told any family?

Its hard to let someone go when they want different things to you. I've been there, it does make you feel a bit heartless.

My fiance never even did A-levels, he went straight into the building trade after school and he makes more money than anyone I know with a degree. My degree has never gotten me anywhere (psychology). I don't regret going, but I wish I'd done something more practical. Physiotherapy or something like that.