How do you ease dysphoria when you're in the closet?

Well I realized I probably am trans (unless cis people get dysphoric too). I had a terrible thought, well terrible for me, it was what if I ever got pregnant. I thought about it for two seconds and it made me so anxious and panicky I thought I might throw up. I know it's impossible since I'm with a cis woman but I was physically ill and disgusted. Being misgendered by well meaning customers all day (especially when I thought I looked kind of masculine) didn't help either. Also I came home and my mom and brother want me to wear make up on the day before my birthday so I maybe I won't get carded- I'd rather look like a teen boy or not exist at this point.

 

Thank you, I wasn't expecting anyone to reply since I was kind of venting/ cataloging my feelings here but thank you. I just wish I could wear gender affirming clothing and not ever have to speak or deadname myself. I'm out to the three coworkers I see on a regular basis (one is my boss) and one who was only there occasionally and they're all accepting, it's everyone else and the customers that concern me and I can't come out to yet. At least where I work has trans insurance if I ever get full time (fingers crossed the district manager says yes).

 

Thank you, River.

See now for you, wanting to be pregnant makes sense (actually that's why I wrote the thought was terrible for me). When I was a little kid I said I wanted a lot of kids, but that was before I knew how that worked. I've figured out that I still want to be a father someday from being around my sister's kids- just not like that. I doubt I'd live through one the way it messes with me, and hope to God I will never have to find out ever. I literally felt like it was choking me from the inside in that moment, I couldn't breathe very well. It was all I could do to not have a breakdown in our store's office. No one else was there but me though.


Unfortunately for me my family has triggered this before, but I managed to put up a facade to some degree. My nephew (who was probably seven or eight at the time and has no idea I'm trans) said I'd make a great "mom" someday. He may have mentioned pregnancy since he's the oldest out of four, I can't recall. I replied by telling him I either don't want kids or I'll adopt them. My mom put her two cents in by saying, "You never know what God has in store for you." She was implying that I would get pregnant. I wanted to scream, I just can't do that and I wish no one would ever bring the possibility of me having kids like that up. It wasn't even the first time it was mentioned. They don't understand why I don't want kids that way, and I don't want to talk to them about it either. I just want them to stop.

 

I've never been to a gynecologist because of that reason.