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How do you ease dysphoria when you're in the closet?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by TinyWerewolf, Jan 12, 2022.

  1. TinyWerewolf

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    Long story short I outed myself a little over three years ago and had to go back in the closet due to my circumstances. I hate being in the closet, but for now it's where I have to stay. I miss having short hair and being called my preferred name and pronouns. I'm often dysphoric and can't seem to find a solution to even try in my situation. Trying to hang out with the three friends who know and support me is off the table- and I miss them terribly.
     
  2. chicodeoro

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    Oh TinyWerewolf, I'm sorry to hear that. I understand how you must be feeling. During lockdown I was on my own for long periods and I soooo looked forward the one day each week when I'd see the friend I was out to in my support bubble. It meant I was seen as me and it was so invaluable.

    Regarding how to ease dysphoria...can you chat to the friends you're out to on the phone or via Zoom/Skype?

    Beth x
     
  3. TinyWerewolf

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    Not often, two are in college and one I haven't been able to much (he's my best friend's boyfriend). They're all pretty busy. I'm also scared to text them about this because my parents look through my phone and are the main reason I went back in the closet.

    I'm glad you had at least one person that knew. It helps. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 TinyWerewolf, Jan 12, 2022
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  4. Y2B

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    It's sad to read that you're still separated from your only friends. Is it possible to delete massages on your phone after you read them?
     
    #4 Y2B, Jan 12, 2022
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  5. TinyWerewolf

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    Yeah, I only do that if I absolutely have to though. For example, my mom was saying a lot of trasnsphobic/homophobic stuff and it really hurt me- and so I reached out to my best friend because I knew she'd be up still and I just could not stop crying. I had to delete those afterwards so my mom wouldn't read the messages while I was sleeping or something (wouldn't put it past her).
     
    #5 TinyWerewolf, Jan 12, 2022
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  6. DragonChaser

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    I wish I could give a definitive answer here, but I cannot.

    The most important thing for you to do, my friend, is stay safe. That's going to take some unpleasantness and sacrifice. Historically, that's what people like us have had to endure to survive. We suffer this indignity together, so believe me when I say I know how difficult it can be.

    I find comfort in quite a few things, but here are the biggest anyone can use: Firstly, knowing that this is only a temporary phase of a journey to discovering myself and that I have a brighter future on the other side of it.

    Secondly, journaling. It's important to have an outlet to those feelings, especially one you can refer to later if you start feeling that way again.

    Finally, I feel like this is a really positive meme on this site, but if you don't have a therapist, I know there's one somewhere close by that might help you better understand your feelings.

    If I learn anything more that might be helpful, you can count on me to share it. I wish you luck. Stay strong and don't let them diminish your light, honey. :heart:
     
  7. TinyWerewolf

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    I think drawing is going to be my outlet, I used to try to write songs but I think they all suck except for two. I just need a secret sketchbook and then I can try it. My outlet will have to take place of therapy for now though- my parents don't like therapists due to ethics codes. I'm trying to remind myself this won't last, but it hurts a lot.
     
  8. DragonChaser

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    Have you given any thought to a digital sketchpad? Then you can upload pictures to a cloud without needing to physically hide them anywhere. Based on a cursory search, I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to track down a reliable one for a reasonable price.

    And I feel your pain. I wish you were afforded the respect and understanding everyone deserves. Especially by your family.

    As cliche as it sounds, though, you're really not alone. We're here with you. We're in this together. And I, for one, know you deserve better than this.

    I strongly encourage you to use whatever means you safely can to get some kind of assistance. If you're a minor, there may be avenues available through your school, but I won't ask for and don't want specifics. Just check your area. Call a few places. You never know.

    Hugs and good vibes to you, either way :heart:
     
  9. quebec

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    TinyWerewolf.....Have you tried calling the Trevor Project? Their phone number is 866-488-7386. You can also text them by texting "START" TO 678-678 They have all kinds of things to help people in situations like yours. They will understand what you're dealing with and will be willing
    to help. Please seriously consider calling/texting them.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #9 quebec, Jan 12, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2022
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  10. TinyWerewolf

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    I'd be afraid to try that, my parents would see me pay for that tablet unless I used cash (which I hardly carry)- their names are on my account so they can see my statements. I should just make my own, I'm 20 nearly 21, but doing it out of nowhere would make them suspicious. I've got a good hiding spot for a small sketchbook though, no one would ever look there.

    Thank you, I actually came here to be less alone for once. For some reason I find it really hard to open up about my problems even to people I'd trust with my life. Talking like this helps sometimes though, which is why I finally posted about this.

    I live in a rural area so there's not anything like LGBTQIA+ centers in my town (it's a homophobic/transphobic place). There are in the next two major cities over but not here. My friends have offered to take me in before, and I may take my best friend up on that but I'm not sure.
     
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  11. TinyWerewolf

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    Thank you all for replying, I appreciate it. :purple_heart:
     
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  12. Really

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    One thought. Is your hair long enough to donate to one of those charities that makes wigs for cancer patients and others who lose their hair due to illness? Maybe look it up and then see if a local barber shop could cut your hair for that. I believe you just mail your hair in and going to a barber shop is cheaper so…win-win? Find some photos of styles you like to take with you. If anyone criticizes the outcome, feel free to ask them if they’ve seriously got a problem with you doing something for children with cancer. It’s hair. It’ll grow back. But in the meantime, you’ll have a cool short hair cut. You could even check out some videos how to use clippers to maintain the length. If you’re up for it. ;]
     
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  13. staticinmyattic

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  14. TinyWerewolf

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    This would be a win-win-win (me getting rid of this longer hair is a huge win). I wish I could do that, but my mom would probably flip out on me for chopping my hair off again. I was out in college for a short 3-4 months after I'd accidentally outed myself, and I got a nice short haircut after having long hair all my life (before I'd outed myself, dumb move on my part). I was terrified but it felt so good once it was done. I had to square off my own "side burns" to make it less feminine but it was great. My mom and other family members were saying stuff like "Is she gay?", "You look better now that your hair has grown back out.", "Why did you cut off your hair? It was pretty." and I all I could do was say I wanted to try it. Now I just hide behind my hair because I don't want anyone to even look at me.
     
  15. Really

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    Aw. That’s rough.

    I notice you mentioned college. Does that mean you’re over 18? Because if so, I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to make independent decisions now. ;}

    Does your mom take “style” advice from you? Why gives her the right to dictate how you choose to present? Let her have her snit. Keep reminding yourself you’re not responsible for making her happy. And maybe remind her as well.

    Have you seen the video by Dan Savage where he talks about coming out to parents who don’t accept you? He talks about how they need to realize that at some point they’re going to start needing/wanting you in their lives and if they don’t come around to this truth about you sooner rather than later, they are going to be SOL.

    Check it out. Maybe you could try his advice.
     
  16. chicodeoro

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    Your parents do seem...quite controlling, I must say.

    I mean, I have a 15 year old stepson and I would never dream of looking through his phone. That's his personal private realm and it would be a major breakdown of trust if I did that. Is there any way you can politely but firmly ask them not to do that?
     
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  17. TinyWerewolf

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    I'm 20, but it's more an issue of not being trapped again. After I'd outed myself on accident, my family was unaccepting. I was not doing well academically or mentally after that- my family had been in my corner for the most part but not when it came to being bi and trans. When the end of the semester came my parents were somehow let upstairs past the key card entrance to the dorms and forced me to move back home. I didn't want to go but I couldn't afford staying without them. I'd blown my chance at a better degree and an easier way out of my hometown. They wouldn't let me talk to anyone but my best friend and it lasted like that from December 2019 until April 2021 (and that was just because I got a summer job). A good chunk of my friends literally thought I had died- I felt kind of terrible for not being able to let them know I was alive somehow upon learning that.

    Controlling is an understatement. I've tried to, but they consider a phone given to me by them a privelege and their property (more like leverage to make me behave).
     
  18. DragonChaser

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    Honey, there are so many red flags popping up right now I feel like we're playing minesweeper.

    What do you mean they consider it a privilege? You're an adult.

    If you'll forgive me for being direct, it seems like they're stepping all over your boundaries and not giving you the most basic forms of respect healthy families give.

    From where I sit, I feel like it would be wrong of me not to advise you to find a better environment as soon as possible. Your current one is not suited to your development or well-being and seems to be contributing to feelings of alienation, erasure, and anxiety.

    Don't burn any bridges if you can avoid it... but get away from them for a while, hon. They're not handling this well. And they may not ever. But they clearly need time and it's clearly making you miserable, kowtowing to their invasions of your privacy and personhood.

    But that's just my advice! Please, deeply consider the consequences of every choice you make next and ask yourself how this could affect you in the future. Think about it from every angle and don't be rash in your decision making. Sleep on it. Be careful. And don't just have one plan. Make several.

    I would also encourage you to find a source of income. In fact, that would be the very first thing I would do, if I was in your position. I know just about anything you can find will pretty much suck right now, but trust me, you'll get used to it and that income will serve you well, especially if you're relying on the kindness of strangers.

    Sorry for being long-winded. Had a lot to say. I care about you, brother. You're in a situation I can only imagine and I hate that I can't do more than just give you my advice. But I hope it helps.

    Hugs and good vibes, hon! :smile_cat:
     
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  19. TinyWerewolf

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    I could've left a long time ago, just would've taken a week to get there because they took my keys during that time too. Two of my supportive friends have offered to take me in before but my parents also own my car- so I'm at least laying low until I can get one of my own. Otherwise it's miles of forest and fields, multiple days travel. I hope I can take my dog with me when it happens.

    I do have a job but I don't make much. I guess I should get a second one.

    I'm also grateful I get to see my nieces and nephew again- my sister wouldn't let me be near them for a long time after I'd outed myself. She didn't want me to cofuse them or put ideas in their heads she said. If I leave I may never see them again, it's about to make me cry just thinking about it. I think my brother would be the only one to ever come around (maybe a few cousins and an aunt on my dad's side if I'm lucky).

    I should've put a trigger warning on here I guess, the rest could still be triggering.

    Family has boundaries? Lol. Just kidding, yeah my family has no respect for me in that regard because they think I should be better at being an adult than I am (I'm surprised they don't try to read my journal- it's in ciphers now anyway). I'm just trying to stay functional at this point but they don't understand that. I don't let them see my unhappiness if I can avoid it, because I refuse to let them break me. It's mostly my mom anyway- after I outed myself she got even more controlling, started getting into politics more, and use religion to condemn me and say I'll realize I'm not trans or bi(she calls me gay though) one day or I'll end up in hell. She was religious and homophobic/transphobic before but not this strongly. I still consider myself a Christian too somehow after everything.
     
  20. TinyWerewolf

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    On a positive note, I did get to see my best friend yesterday for a bit. I missed her.