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How do you cope with, being in the closet?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Rayland, Aug 19, 2021.

  1. Rayland

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    So...How do I start this? I haven’t told anyone about my recent thoughts and I just wanted to get my feelings out and maybe hear others stories on how they cope with hiding themselves. I don’t know if it’s in the right topic. I don’t want coming out advice, since I plan to stay hidden, so it didn’t feel right to post it there.

    So here is the story:

    recently I just have been feeling scared of outing myself and I have come close to almost wanting to blurt things out about how I see myself as a guy. One morning when I looked in the mirror I was schoked about how sad my eyes looked. First time I have ever felt like this. I felt like I was watching a stranger through my own eyes. Do others get that too?

    I do know I need therapy, but currently it’s a bit complicated, because I don’t want my family members to know, since they would start making fun of me or riddicule me and they do that already anyway, even when not meaning do to it and I am financially dependent on them right now and live in the same house too, so they always ask about my whereabouts and I suck at lying. I know that as a 30 year old it sounds riddiculous, even my friends think it’s weird how they always control me and call me. It’s just because as a child I was sick a lot and I guess they still see me as one and I help out at home a lot too, there are things they can’t do withouth my help, since they do have disabilities. I also am a student who is currently on a job hunt. Just a little backstory.

    So I guess here is the question: how do you cope, beside therapy, if you are in the closet or were in a closet, before coming out? I just would like to hear everyones experiences. Do you just have hobbies, that help you to cope or there is something else?

    I do like to listen to music and it really helps to not think about these things too much and helps me relax.

    And I guess this post can be a place to vent as well. It’s also ok, if it gets no responses, because I just wanted to get these thoughts out of myself.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    I tried it and did manage to be mostly in the closet for about 15 years (from about 1990 through 2006). I did it because of the pressure from my family, church and due to the direct opposition of most of society. I detransitioned, got married and had children. By doing so I did keep busy with work and taking care of my family and home. My trying to stay within the religion that I was raised with was the main driving factor and I worked very hard to deny myself and reality.

    It did not really work though about halfway through that 15 years I had a complete breakdown and am now fully disabled.
     
  3. Rayland

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    That’s so sad, that you are now disabled, because of all that. I wish the society would be more accepting. Lately there are a lot of political discussion too in my country about marriages and how it is like this sacred union between man and a woman and there is just a lot of hate, even though there are also those who support it. My country isn’t even that religious. There is just a lot of discussions and I do feel the pressure to hide it. Keeping busy is definetly one way to cope, even though it won’t always work.
     
  4. chicodeoro

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    Well, with me I guess I'm half in, half out. I'm out to about 30 friends now, and my brother (who is the only close family I have left). But that leaves at least half my friendship group, acquaintances, neighbours, work contacts, more distant family and, of course, negotiating everyday life, which most of the time I'm still doing dressed in male clothing.

    I had a hair appointment yesterday and I was on the verge of telling my hairdresser. Likewise today when I visited the dentist. In so many every day situations I'm still treated as male, with people calling me 'sir' and after a while the dysphoria kicks in and I feel really s*** about myself.

    How do I cope? Holding on to those feelings of euphoria when you are recognised for who you really are - for example, a friend sent me a card today and it was the first piece of mail I've received addressed to my new name.

    That and thinking about the future. When, I hope, things will be ok.

    Beth
     
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  5. Rayland

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    Aww, that's so sweet that you got mail from your friend addressed to your new name. I hope that the future will be a lot more accepting and no one has to hide. I do get that euphoria, when I imagine myself as myself and that does give me some strenght and I imagine, when I eventually get to live by myself, that then I can change myself a lot more than now and it makes me happy.
     
  6. staticinmyattic

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    I’m so glad you have those friends. 30 friends is a huge number! My depression has made me a terror to be around in many cases, and I’m really missing the friends I used to have (particularly the lgbt friends who i lied to when they asked me what my deal was). My advise to you is to cherish those friends. Friendship takes work, and while being given work is not what you want now, it’s worth it. It can be done alone, but it sucks. You must be an awesome person to have so many people who care about you. That’s amazing
     
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  7. staticinmyattic

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    I’ve been thinking about your question, and realizing how important music is for my mental health. It’s always been a part of my being, but I tend to put my musical side in lockdown along with my feminine side. They kind of need each other to function. As I’m coming out of lockdown (in body, mind, and spirit) the music in my head is getting clearer. Last night I set up my musical gear and composed my first new piece of music in 5 years. I had to fight my way through a panic attack to get there, but I got there.
     
    #7 staticinmyattic, Aug 30, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2021
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  8. Rayland

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    That’s amazing. Congratulations on composing your new piece. It must have been really hard to get here, but you did it. It’s very inspiring.
     
  9. staticinmyattic

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    Thanks! It’s a humble but of music (really just a 2 bar loop, but it sounds good to me!). I’m feeling so inspired. I watched a show called Watch the Sound last night, it’s a documentary series starring Mark Ronson about music. Last night was the episode about synthesizers. I learned about Wendy Carlos, the synth pioneer behind the classic “Switched on Bach” record, along with music for The Shining and A Clockwork Orange. And she was out as trans in the 70’s! There was a lot of love shown for the women, lgbtq, and particularly trans folk who have benefited and benefited from the world of electronic music. So inspiring.
     
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  10. Jakebusman

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    I am not in the closet anymore but it was very straining on my mind and emotions
     
  11. chicodeoro

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    Thank you Staticinmyattic (did you crib your screen name from the B52s song Channel Z by any chance?) Yes, it's great to know so many people but then I am old - over 50, in fact. You end up collecting a hell of a lot of friends over the years, I can tell you. Sadly though, I imagine over the coming months I will end up having to shed a few - the ones who will (probably) have a problem with me being trans..
     
  12. staticinmyattic

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    Good catch! Yes, I always loved that rhyme. I think Pearl Jam used it too, but B-52’s got there first.

    I wish you luck with your friends. Sounds like you have at least one good one, sending you a letter addressed to YOU. I love that. I really hope they surprise you, and greet you with love and acceptance. Most people understand that it’s easier and feels better to accept people, it’s hard work and feels nasty to be cruel. You can’t always trust people, but you can usually trust them to take the path of least resistance.
     
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  13. chicodeoro

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    I think this is true. I don't think many, or even any, will reject me. What is probably going to happen is that a certain distance is going to open up in some friendships, particularly with my male friends. But then that is already being more than compensated by the added closeness I feel to the girl pals I'm out to, who have (so far) been amazing and so supportive.

    Beth
     
  14. staticinmyattic

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