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How do y'all handle it?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OED27x, Aug 15, 2017.

  1. OED27x

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    Ever since I had my first real intimate experience with a woman and fully accepted that I am not straight (before it was something I pretty much knew but didn't look at too hard - pushed it away), I feel like my entire world has been blown apart. I have not had any other real physical contact in like a year (my husband and I split up). I feel like my sex drive has gone into overdrive. I am not interested in meaningless sex and I am not in the mental or emotional place to begin a relationship. So, I'm kind of just left frustrated. I guess it is way better than having no sex drive which is how I felt for years and years in my marriage! How do y'all deal with this and can you relate??
     
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  2. dreamingfreely

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    I haven't had any experience with a woman yet but since I acknowledged my attraction my sex drive went from 0 to max lol. I have no good outlet for it as my husband is too sick and self satisfaction only helps so much. What helps me sometimes is lots of exercise and it makes me feel great. I crank up some fast, loud, angry, music with tons of drums and wear myself out at the gym. But to be honest I am thinking about sex or similar things way more than I think I ever did. I always thought that it was a chore but would get into it most of the way through. I really suspect that it is because I would rather be having sex with a woman. My suggestion is to do something productive that makes you happy and feel good.
     
  3. RJay

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    All I can offer is camaraderie. I relate to everything you said. I always had a sex drive, but it's waaaay in overdrive. And I never used to fantasize when I thought I was straight, but now the pictures in my head are truly shocking, and it's overwhelming. I haven't had any intimacy in over 6 years, and it was really crappy before then anyway, so.... yeah. Now that I know what I want, it's super hard not to have it.
     
  4. Searching1

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    I can totally relate. I haven't been with a woman yet, but suddenly I am overtaken by intense very visual fantasies. They can appear and take me over at any point in the day and I often shudder with the sensations I am experiencing. I don't think I have ever actually really fantasized about sex with a man and always thought I had low sex drive. I take care of myself pretty frequently... my husband even bought me a fancy new toy (don't really know what he was thinking lol). It certainly helps with the frustration. That and I guess just trying to enjoy the new feelings of excitement. The frustration is real though.
     
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  5. Moonsparkle

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    I can relate for sure! I was in a relationship with a woman for a year; she was also my first sexual experience with a woman. And WOW! So different on a sexual and emotional level than anything EVER with a man. Anyway, we broke up in January, and I haven't been with anyone since. And I truly miss being with a woman, in so many ways, but as far as the sex--I ABSOLUTELY miss that. Just like you said, when I was with my ex-husband I had like zero sex drive. No thoughts of it, no mind wandering, could totally take it or leave it, and leaving it was preferable! I would have sex with my husband and it would be 'okay'. I liked it to some extent physically but it just felt like I was never really present, I was never connected to the 'process'. I thought all sex could ever be was 'okay' (or at least all it could be for me!). Then I was with a woman and I WAS blown away with sexual excitement!

    Like you I'm not into just hooking/meaningless sex, so I count that out as an option. Moving forward--finally, months after our break up am in a spot where I am feeling emotionally ready for (hopefully) a new relationship. So when you say you are not in a mental or emotional place to begin a relationship, I understand, I was there up until not too long ago. You will get there, you will be ready for for a relationship again-- you will almost feel it one day when you start to feel ready again. Or that's how it happened for me.

    I do think having A sex drive is way better than having NO sex drive. Having a sex drive in overdrive is difficult but I think preferable to the numbness of NO sex drive. You asked about how do y'all deal with this? Hmm. Well, I'm in therapy, which is helping me in general--though doesn't help with the sex part (obviously I'm NOT having sex with my therapist, plus he's a guy--haha.) I'm a runner (not a good one, but a runner nonetheless), this helps, energy burning, runners high and all that. I work out, same effects. AND I have these sexual thoughts, like just sitting at work or whatever...sigh... But the way I try to look at is --'well at least I'm feeling dead inside'--because 'dead inside' is how I felt a lot during my marriage, especially at the end!

    Hang in there OED, at the very least I think you will find a LOT of women here who can relate!
     
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  6. Peterpangirl

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    I used to feel like I wanted sex with a man - but these kind of feelings decreased dramatically in my thirties - and it was very much about quick physical gratification if I'm honest. I have only one physical experience with a woman and I was much less focused on any kind of physical gratification and more just on totally enjoying the moment - just being present. Actually I didn't feel like I needed to rush through anything to climax and it didn't bother me not to go there. It was a sensuous experience - just the touching and closeness was wonderful. The feedback that she was feeling turned on by me touching her has just sent my desire levels through the roof and I keep thinking about her body frequently now I'm away from her, in a visceral way that I have never done with a man. The desire to touch is just so strong...I don't know where all this has come from...but it feels different...

    And, yes, it's pretty frustrating. Seeing to myself helps a bit, plus exercising. I'm not used to feeling horny to this degree!!
     
    #6 Peterpangirl, Aug 16, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2017
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  7. Soundofmusic

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    Yup, I can relate! I haven't been with a woman but I feel like a sex-driven teen. I think about it CONSTANTLY. And I never used to think about sleeping with men. Like, ever.
     
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  8. driedroses

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    The more I read these posts, the less sure I am that I'm bisexual - because I totally relate to it all! I know I had a sex drive with men but fantasies? Nope. And near the end of my marriage when the sex was non-existent, I was interested, but it was more about the connection. I still love that man, he's my best friend and a lovely person. I wanted the connection because I was afraid I was losing him.

    It's been a couple of years since I started having these thoughts intensely, so they're getting better - fewer and farther between. Still incredibly intense when they happen, but I think my brain knows I don't have the opportunity and so leaves me alone a bit.

    This - so much this!
     
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  9. RJay

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    Omg, this thread! We are all total messes! And we need some action stat! Hahaha.

    Seriously just thinking about touching a woman turns me on more than anything my ex ever did to me. So so so gay. :wink:

    I relate to something said above too. That there was a sex drive but it was unemotional. My interest was just in physical gratification. And I didn't think about it much when it wasn't happening. And if I tried to fantasize about it, it did nothing for me.

    Totally different now, of course. Just the thoughts send me into overdrive. And when I see a woman on the street that's my type, it is super intense. Never ever in a million years did I feel instant attraction like that to any man.
     
  10. maverick1

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    I can relate, and agree with the earlier post when they said self satisfaction only helps so much.
     
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  11. OED27x

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    Hey all, yeah, self satisfaction only helps so much. But even that is more intense now that I'm thinking about women.

    BUT....I kind of had a big step back last night. Remember my guy friend (soccer coach)? We went out for drinks last night. On the other side of town and we randomly ran into the ex of the woman (call her H) who is my crush!! And he was on a date! Anyway, C (my soccer coach friend) and I kind of got really really tipsy. We went back to my house and got intimate. I basically felt like I needed to be with somebody. And that was nice. But I basically ended up breaking down crying during it and told him I was gay. This is the second time I've told him. Anyway, sad but true. I'm disappointed in myself bc I promised myself I wouldn't be with someone yet. I told my friend H today and she told me not to be hard on myself. And I also told her bc I want her to care on some level I guess. She has told me that she is not ready to figure out what was between us. And I know she is not. And essentially I am moving on.
     
  12. Moonsparkle

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    I'm not sure I would count this as a step back necessarily. The feeling of needing to be with somebody is very understandable. I really wouldn't be too hard on yourself. There are many bumps,detours,twists and turns on this late and life journey--but it certainly is an opportunity to get to know ourselves better! We all make promises to ourselves that we end up breaking along the way--I know I have. It happens, and it's okay. So rather than a step back, maybe just look at it as more of a step in learning. Which in a lot of ways can sort of be a step forward in itself. :slight_smile:

    Just as a side note-I forgot the specifics of your relationship with H. Do you still have feelings for each other?
     
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  13. OED27x

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    Thanks so much. I think I maybe also needed to see if I enjoyed it. I needed to figure some things out maybe. And it was nice on some level but not all the way there for me. And I know the difference of being with a woman.

    To answer your question, I met H about two years ago at my son's school. We became great friends. We both had marriage problems and we became each other's confidant. Before long I realized my feelings for her were more than friendly. That whole year I tried to just double down on my marriage, tried to enjoy sex with my husband, tried to not think about her, tried to rationalize my feelings for her. I was so distraught in my marriage, in my feelings for my friend, i even started thinking about killing myself. I just could not get a handle on it and I could not see a way through it. That scared the shit out of me and I went to the doctor and started taking meds. Anyway, one day H and I took the kids to a school fundraiser, we got some dinner, had some drinks, went back to her house with the kids and shared some wine. We started drinking a lot. The kids fell asleep and she and I were spooning on the couch. I remember her husband was there too. And, all of the sudden she was playing with my hair. And I thought she was coming on to me, so I started rubbing her legs. Basically, as soon as her husband went to bed, she took the kids upstairs to sleep, she came back to the couch and we had a really intense beautiful night. It was amazing. The next few days I was so turned on. That has never happened to me before. I felt like my skin was electrified. We had another night when we were out at a bar and we made out in the bathroom and in the backseat of her friends car. Her husband looked at her phone and ended up reading my texts to her. There marriage had been very rocky and they started going to therapy and have since separated. I told my husband what had happened. I said I liked women I always had. He and I were very contentious until he moved out in June. She and I did not talk for a while. She made it clear she just wanted to be friends and I said I needed space to figure out my marriage and my feelings. Within the last few months she and I have rebuilt our friendship. Last week she told me that she was confused by what had happened. She had never even kissed a girl before. She doesn't know if it was a beautiful fluid thing or whether it is something more for her. Her ex husband asked her if she was gay and she doesn't know. But she is not in the place to figure it out and she does not want to figure it out right now. And she said she may never be in the place to figure it out. I was sad to hear that. But I told her that I respected where she was, it is very confusing and everyone needs to go their own pace. And coming to terms with your sexuality and what her experience meant to her is a personal thing. She knows how I feel but I have accepted that we will just be friends.
     
  14. SHACH

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    Well, mine went into overdrive when I accepted queerness and then it was so maddening I had to force myself to stop thinking about it and... it dissapeared. And that tbh has been much more frustrating. Now I'm trying to get it back but agian, like you I am so not wanting hook ups and I don't have anyone I could build something with so... vicous cycle?
     
  15. junebug99

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    I feel the same way in my marriage. Don't really care about sex.