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How do I tell my straight friend I am attracted to him?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by roobix, Aug 7, 2011.

  1. roobix

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    As the title suggest I want to tell my close mate I am attracted to him. I have liked him for a good while now (8 months-ish) and we have become very close friends in this time.

    I am fully aware that 'he is straight and wont like me back' I've known that from the start. But I feel that as much as I try to avert my attention to other people and avoid seeing him as much my attraction grows stronger by the day.

    I know if I leave it I will eventually get over him, but unfortunately I get fixated on people and it takes me a long time to move onto someone else, so I feel that if I get it off my chest I will get over him soon so I dont have to go through heartbreak seeing him get with girls.

    There are no two ways about it he needs to know, what I need help with is how to break it to him. Obviously you dont know what he's like, but I know we are good enough friends that he is not the type of person to just stop speaking to me.

    Please help, this is eating away at me
     
  2. feelindown

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    i went through this same thing. the big difference is that i thought the guy was like me (bi and closeted). so i had a reason to keep the crush going. i eventually told him and he told me he was straight. then after that communication ended from him or was very delayed. things were never the same although he was still nice. your friend is straight. there is no reason to tell him you like him. it's pointless. it's not going to solve anything and there's no way he is going to like you back. unless you think you have a shot at him ,there's no point in telling someone you have a crush on them. it makes them feel weird. since they are your friend, they dont want to hurt you but they also dont want to lead you on because they know that everything you're hanging out now, you're thinking of being with them. i think you need to give yourself distance from him until you can move on and get over him. also please stop developing fixations on people that you know are unavailable. focus your energy on things that are available. this is only wasting your own time. honestly i do not think he "needs to know" about your crush. it really has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. if you want to "come out to him" that's another story, but i dont think you need to tell him you have a crush on him unless you think there's a chance he likes you back the same way. it's already off your chest. you need to move on.
     
  3. Lexington

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    First off - does he know you're gay? If so, then just tell him the truth. You might soft-pedal the situation somewhat, but you don't have to lie about it. Just say "I've been noticing I've been getting some feelings for you - feelings that I'm positive that won't be returned. Because of that, I'm going to sort of pull away from you for a bit, and give my brain some time to reset. I just wanted to let you know so you didn't think I was snubbing you or anything. :slight_smile:"

    If he doesn't know you're gay, well, that'd probably be the first step. Then let him digest that for a while for telling him the rest.

    Lex
     
  4. feelindown

    feelindown Guest

    lex made a good point, you could tell come out adn tell him about the crush as an all-in-one combo deal. hey i wanted to tell you something. i've noticed i'm starting to have feelings for you and i know you're not into that, so we're good freinds but i have to pull away but didnt want you think i was snubbing you.

    who knows, he may say "omg, i feel the same way about you". ok, that's very doubtful. but you never know.

    i still personally think telling someone you have a crush on them when you know it's not going to be returned is unadvisable.
     
  5. redblanket

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    Unrequited love is hard. I think Lex's idea is a good one - if you really feel you have to tell him and you are certain he's straight. I can understand where feelindown is coming from too, but it could be complicated if you really can't cope with being around him without him knowing what's going on. I've been in similar situations before and it's torture trying to be friendly with someone you have a massive crush on! I really hope you work out a way around it anyway :slight_smile:
     
  6. WanderingSoul

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    I empathize with you, roobix. I find myself in a very similar situation to yours right now. My former college roommate, and best friend, also happens to be the one person I'm attracted to the most. One problem with this: he is straight as an arrow, and is getting engaged to his girlfriend soon. I often think of that song by Colbie Caillat and Jason Mraz, where they sing "lucky I'm in love with my best friend"...only it's the opposite for people like you and me; it's about the most unlucky thing I can think of. :eusa_doh:

    As redblanket said, unrequited love is a rough, painful thing...possibly the only thing worse is the death of a close friend or family member. It's terrible to realize deep down, and even harder to accept, that the thing you want so, so badly can and will never happen. I've laid awake in bed many nights, trapped in depression, thinking about it. I have no real advice to offer you, since I've yet to come up with a solution myself, but just know that there are others in the same boat. I understand what little consolation that must be, but life unfortunately doesn't offer many neat, tidy resolutions. I have begun, slowly, to accept that it's my imperative and my responsibility to get over this crush, because anguishing over something that won't happen is a useless and unneeded source of stress. And yet, you can't just choose one day to wake up and forget about a person you love. My guess is that it'll be a gradual process that won't happen all at once. Finding someone who is gay that you click with in a similar way to your friend is probably a good way to start...I know, I know, the good ones don't come along every day. Sometimes the pond seems very small. But they are out there.

    In my case, this particular friend is probably the first or second person I plan to come out to, and this raises some questions. Do I tell him about my feelings, and risk jeopardizing the friendship? Could he deal with the fact that I have those feelings, or would be be too weirded out? Can I live with myself continuing to withhold some secrets while revealing other ones? With this friend as the ideal man in my mind, can I develop a relationship with someone else without treating him as “less than”? Will I be filled with regret forever, even if in the back of my mind?

    One last thing. I'm personally drawn to music as an outlet when I'm plagued by intense and conflicting emotions. One song that deals with this very topic is "I Should Go" by Levi Kreis. The words are quite moving; I interpret them as saying it's almost easier to avoid being around a "dead-end" crush, rather than spending time with him or her and being torn apart imagining a future that can never be. "I should go, before my will gets any weaker, and this hour holds more meaning than it ever could..."

    All the best as you try to overcome this most difficult of predicaments.
     
    #6 WanderingSoul, Aug 7, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2011
  7. knight of ni

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    I would suggest not telling him. It seems that you've made up your mind to tell him, so you might just ignore this, but for what it's worth, I don't telling him will help anything. Even if you tell him in the sensible way that Lex suggested, there's still the potential for your friendship with him to turn awkward, and maybe leave him wondering how much of your relationship is friendship and how much of it is your crush.
    I had a similar situation two years ago; I had strong feelings for a good friend of mine, and I decided not to tell him about it. Telling him wouldn't have made me feel any better or made it any less unrequited, and it might have caused problems for our friendship. Now I'm over him and we're still good friends.
    Of course, you might tell him and find out that your friendship carries on just the same, but it seems like telling him is a (small) risk with no real pay-off.
     
  8. roobix

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    Cheers guys for you generous and in-depth responses. It's like I said, my mind is set he is going to find out. This is a road that I have been down many times before, this time being the worst in terms of attraction towards a guy and level of friendship.
    I have gotten over someone before by them finding out I liked them but through another person, and yes they did not accept it essentially cutting me out of their life. But this goes to show that I dont need someone like this in my life. So if this guy reacts the same then its simple I obviously dont need him as a friend either.

    'feelindown' I appreciate your advice and I understand you are only tying to help, but I cant 'move on' as simply as you say. I really am not wired like that (maybe I did not make it so clear) but damn I wish I were haha.

    I understand the risks I take and I think the one thing I fear most is if he assumes our friendship has been under false pretences on my attraction to him. I think like you say just keep it simple and chatty like its not a big deal and try and get on being the good friends we are.

    It is heartbreaking to know I will never be with him as a partner and ever get that sense of closeness (the depressing thing is I know him now a lot more than I ever did of my ex of 2 years)

    WanderingSoul I know you will get through your predicament as I will with mine, we are just in the worst stages now I suppose.

    Thanks guys you are all a massive help
    Take care!
     
  9. IanGallagher

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    I'd say expect him to be a little odd at first. I mean, I'm a bi guy and even though I lean a little more towards girls - still, I'd be taken aback and not knowing how to respond.

    If he's your friend, he'll come around. But, in the beginning - expect something like, "I'm going to need some time to think things through." And don't over react to that. Because it is going to be odd for him.
     
  10. Mad Man L

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    ^ this.

    Move on and save yourself the pain.
     
  11. ezkill

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    Unfortunately, I tend to disagree with the "there are no two ways" about it claim. It takes practice to get over something like this, but the sooner you start, the better off you will be in situations where you have feelings for someone that you KNOW aren't mutual. It's one of those things you have to learn to deal with in life. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, that's not my intention.

    Getting it off your chest might help, but maybe you should disclose this to someone else, that isn't him, that you trust with secrets. Better yet, do you have a journal, or a private blog?

    If you really value your friendship with your straight friend, then perhaps it is best to not tell him. Other than for your own sake, it is quite pointless to say something potentially damaging that isn't really necessary to say. The sooner you try to move on, the better you will be.

    Also, just because someone cuts you out of their life because they know you like them (and they are straight), that doesn't mean they are a bad person for it. You have to try to put yourself in the other person shoes in this sort of situation. Some people simply do not want to lead you on. As one person pointed out, this individual may think that every time you hang out with them, it's only because you have a crush on them and find them attractive, not because you actually want to be their friend. This is an extremely uncomfortable situation for a lot of people, and they have every right to feel uncomfortable. I know if someone said they had a crush on me and I didn't feel the same way, then I would certainly distance myself from them for a while until I knew for sure that when we were hanging out, they were doing it because they were interested in my friendship, not because I turned them on (emotionally or physically).

    I guess it comes down to this: is it more important to blatantly tell this person you like them, and potentially lose their friendship; or is it more important to have a good support in a time of need, and to keep this friend?
     
    #11 ezkill, Aug 8, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2011