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How do I tell my long term boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by nicolebless, Oct 26, 2022.

  1. nicolebless

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    SKIP TO THE END FOR THE QUESTION

    Just a lil history…I am 22 it’s not exactly later in life, but feels like it to me. I grew up in a Christian household my family does not accept or entertain the idea of questioning one’s sexuality, I’m Christian myself but I hold nothing against anyone’s sexuality I believe we should love freely. I always felt I was straight growing up, I did not really understand the idea of being gay or loving another gender. (Again Christian household) I went to private Christian school until middle school. Plus I always dreamt of meeting my future husband and starting a family that’s all I always wanted and still do. I really started questioning things for the first time in high school in my junior year, I had a couple of friends who were coming out or been out and dating different genders. So I started wondering…I had attempted or played with the idea of doing things once in a sleepover as a child (but I didn’t know what I was doing) And I found certain women attractive and wondered what sex with a woman was like but I never thought of dating anyone. I talked to a friend back in high school about it in an hypothetical way but quickly shut it down as soon as they started to catch on. I don’t know I got scared I was opening a door I honestly was not ready for myself but to be honestly questioning your sexuality at the time seemed like a trend and I told myself it was just a phase and I am just being curious. I moved on with my life; around 18 I moved out and was free to start dating around I lost my virginity to a guy and it’s sucked, I tried again with someone else…it still sucked…and again but didn’t go all the way…( hey! don’t get over yourself I only have a body count of 2 not including my current spouse) I eventually gave up, sex wasn’t good or fun I decided maybe I shouldn’t have sex at all I started a no sex for a year pact. So I didn’t for a whole year until I met my current boyfriend we had been talking on and off since high school and were really into each other…we decided to start dating seriously and low and behold I actually enjoyed sex for the first time it wasn’t as great as when I did things with myself but it was definitely a breakthrough..I came to the conclusion that maybe I needed to be in love with my spouse that’s why it always sucked. (it doesn’t makes sense to me now…but that’s all I could think of to explain it) We have been dating for 2 and a half years now, committed and happy never felt the need to look anywhere else (I found both genders attractive still but) I was happy and satisfied with my relationship and where it was going (my dream of a happy family) recently I was hanging out with friends for a movie night me and a friend rode together (she is bi and is currently happily dating a female and I am happy for her), when it was time to head out on the drive back home. I asked her about the details of how they met. She explained to me that she wasn’t exactly trying to date a female, didn’t know she was bi but she was always curious, but they were into each other, found each other and went for it. I asked her how she feels about dating a girl now and she says she’s happy and will never go back that everything’s better with a girl down to the sex…”I was thought sex with a girl might be better” I told her “l’m sure if I explored that further and I would bevjust like you” “I just never did” I started wondering why I never did; I have been curious and yearning for deep inside, for years but I never did anything. I started realize what I was saying is something I never said out loud before even to myself…I’m regretting not exploring more. Seeing how my friend is with her partner had me wondering what if that was me…should that I have been me. Which made no sense because I am happy in my relationship I love my boyfriend I want to marry him someday and there is no question about that. After I dropped her off that night I was so deep in my thoughts, I took the long way home…Ever since that night I can’t stop these thoughts. I realized while writing this I always envied my friend. But the thing is I was just fine until that night.

    Question:

    I have to tell my boyfriend I know he won’t leave me and I don’t want to end a relationship but I honestly don’t know what to do or where to go from here… I want to forget it all and put it at the back of my mind, but I feel like it would only make things worse later on…plus I’m scared of being judged or how this might affect our relationship… I just can’t let go of these thoughts I’m just so scared of what this means I could cry. Honestly any tips or advice will help even just sharing your story too.
     
  2. Jakebusman

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    I came out to my wife 8 years into our marriage it was the hardest thing were still together and she accepted me but yet I still have feelings for guys and that never will go away.
     
  3. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @nicolebless. Very similarly to you, I assumed I was merely curious when I was younger and that I would outgrow it, so I completely understand how it can get you all twisted up inside like this. I also understand how bad the "what ifs" can get, too--especially when you're finally able to admit to yourself how you feel.

    As for coming out to your boyfriend, take some time to figure out how you want to broach the subject. You don't have to tell anyone else until you're ready, if you ever are; it's not something you owe other people, but to yourself if/when you're tired of being in the closet. It sounds to me like in a roundabout way, you've already told your bi friend, and that can count for a lot. It also sounds like it helped you work out precisely how you feel (despite whatever confusion it's created), which is a good start.

    When you're ready to talk to your boyfriend, take it nice and slow and above all, be honest with him. You don't want this to change your relationship, so make sure he knows that--but also let him know that you are struggling with how you feel over the road not taken. If you think it's something that might crop up again later on, or that it might become more intense with him, tell him so. For some, it's basically a grieving process: you need to experience these feelings and express them in whatever ways you can, as long as you're not hurting anyone else. Maybe this means journalling, or writing self-insert wish fulfillment fantasy. Maybe it means listening to music and allowing it to touch you on a profound level. Maybe it means drawing/painting, or expressing it through a myriad artistic ways. Or maybe it could be writing a letter to another woman (real or the ideal version you imagine) that you never send.

    Or maybe it means exploring the option of seeking something one-time or short-term outside of your relationship, with your boyfriend's consent, of course. Some people take this path; some don't.

    I can't tell you precisely how to deal with what you're feeling: only that however you do it, do it with honesty and integrity. I hope, however difficult things might get, you'll make peace with yourself and your experiences.
     
  4. PJ208

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    You ok with your boyfriend being with other people as well? It's only fair, right? If you are not then splitting before experimenting or doing with his consent would be the ethical route. I feel you shouldn't suppress your desires though, living authentically is what will likely make you the happiest.
     
  5. Nameerf76

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    Every person and every relationship is SO different but in my case- I told my wife I had (growing) feelings of attraction to men (which I had assumed was a phase too!) and, at first she WAS upset because she thought it might mean the end of our relationship (I knew she wouldn't be judgemental at all) but it WAS a kind of grieving process at first.
    But she decided I should experiment with a guy (which I hadn't done before) because we were BOTH kind of wondering what it meant for the future etc.
    And it turned out that it really helped our relationship - we've never been closer - and we then experimented with threesomes and with having an open relationship. We had been together around 15 years by then. At the moment it's sort of settled down where she doesn't see anyone else (by her choice) and I do maybe once a month or less.
    I NEVER thought I would be able to handle an open relationship or could have predicted this years ago - but I'm just giving the example that it doesn't HAVE to be the end of a relationship..
    We just treat every occasion one by one - if anyone's even SLIGHTLY unsure if they're ok with it we wouldn't do it - sometimes you feel needy or clingy and other times it's exciting and fun. Most of the time we just want to stay home and watch TV together!
    Sorry to go on about MY situation - but your post brought back memories of that worrying time of wondering what to say and what would happen..!
    Hope it helps and good luck!
     
  6. quebec

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    nicolebless.....You cannot put the genie back into the bottle. These thoughts and emotions have happened and they will not go away. You simply cannot ignore them...they will only get worse, you have to deal with them. You do need to talk to your boyfriend about them. If you truly love him and he loves you, then you have a strong starting point. First establish that you do indeed love him and want to be with him. Then ask him for his help to understand and deal with these feelings that you have. Recruit him to help you, to be on "your team" If you are completely honest with him about your feelings about him and your confusion about same-sex relations I think he will be more than willing to help and support you through this difficult time. He loves you and it's obvious that you love him also...that means a lot! Many people who are in a committed relationship or who are married find themselves occasionally looking at others who are exceptionally good-looking. It's not unusual at all, it's actually quite normal!
    If your boyfriend truly cares for you, then he will be willing to help you work through this difficult time. Lean on him that's one of the reasons that we have committed relationships...so that we can be there for each other when things get rough!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Hey that is always a tough situation but when you say you were fine until that night, you were fine in the respect that the thoughts werent taking over your mind but your same sex curiosity was already there and likely just under the surface waiting for a moment/opportunity to present themselves, sure it didnt have to happen that night but it would have somewhere along the line.
    I admire the fact that you know you have to talk to your boyfriend about it, I think that is the right thing to do. Good luck and remember we are always here to chat to.