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How do I tell my homophobic parents I have a girlfriend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Justmeisenough, Oct 25, 2022.

  1. Justmeisenough

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    So me and my girlfriend met online. So far we have been together for 6 months soon to be 7 and it starting to get serious, at first I thought we would be friends but now I'm hooked I think I'm starting to fall really in love with her. The long distance is starting to make a difference in our relationship because we can't do alot of things couples do like go on dates or hold hands. Our states are pretty close so I want to visit her every now and then and do normal couple things, I can't do that with my hovering parents who barely let me leave the house by myself. I need to tell them but I'm mostly scared about coming out to my dad, my mom already knows I'm a lesbian because I told her a while back. My homophobic dad on the other hand is an extreme and makes me worry about my physical well-being. What should I do? I want to see my girlfriend
     
  2. cocoe

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    thats a toughie one but i say I have no idea... if their homophobic you shouldn't
     
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  3. BiGemini87

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    If there's a risk of your father becoming abusive towards you (isolating you from the outside world by taking away modes of communication, physically hurting you, verbally abusing you, etc.) then I hate to say it, but you should wait. I don't mean you have to do so indefinitely--but it might be a good idea to put together some kind of plan in the event things blow up in your face.

    Do you have any trusted family members who you can talk to, who might shelter you if you get kicked out/have to make a hasty exit? If not family, any friends that you can stay with?

    Also, can you tell us a bit more about your mom and how she reacted? Was she supportive, neutral, worried, etc? If you can trust her (but don't feel you can trust your dad) maybe sit down and have a chat with your mom on how you might broach the subject. If you want, bring up a girlfriend as a hypothetical, saying you've been thinking about what it means to be a lesbian, and how it will impact your future if/when you find someone you love. I know that seems dishonest, but sometimes white lies are necessary to feel out a situation.

    If your mom isn't trustworthy either and you don't know anyone you can stay with, you can also look into crisis centres for youth (particularly of the LGBT variety) and go from there.

    Whatever decision you wind up making, it's important that you put your safety and well-being first. I know you really want to see your girlfriend, and it isn't fair that you have to plan for possible negative outcomes--but once you've determined a safe course of action, then you can determine how/when to see her.

    Whatever you do, please be careful and keep us apprised.
     
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  4. TinyWerewolf

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    I was in a pretty similar situation about a year ago- for me there wasn't a solution or happy ending. I fell for a girl and we had to keep it a secret. We were both going through stuff- abusive stuff- and the cherry on top was we both have homophobic/transphobic parents. So even though we were technically a 'straight' couple, we had to stay undetected when we met up. With how our schedules conflicted and our predicament, it was practically the same as long distance once summer was over. We were doomed from the start, I think we both knew it, but we tried to make it work. Having been through that, I would have to say save yourself the heartache before you get hurt- or stay elsewhere and become independent as fast as you can. You can control his reaction, but you can extricate yourself from the danger before it's too late. I know it sounds horrible, I hate saying it just as much, but the risk is not one you should play with.
     
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  5. Aspen

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    I was a bit older than you, but I dated a girl in secret while living with my homophobic mother. We're married now. Is it possible for you to tell your parents that you're spending time with a friend? How are her parents? Are they accepting and do they know about you?
     
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  6. chicodeoro

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    How old are you justmeisenough? Just wondering how soon it is until you can leave home and be truly independent..?

    Beth
     
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  7. Jakebusman

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    If you know there homophobic you shouldn't at least wait till your at a safe space.
     
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  8. Gigi K

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    Well, how about this,

    You admit to your mother who you are actually going to see, since she already knows about you liking girls and hasn't told your dad, and then ask her to cover for you and tell your dad that you are going to see a friend.

    Proceed to give your dad a small presentation on why having friends is part of a healthy lifestyle, and how having social interaction improves your studies and work life. If he accepts the explanation, then you are all set.

    If he asks you how you met her, make up a random story how you met her when she was on holiday in your state. Make the story seem believable; like it is something that could have actually happened, not a romance story straight out of a fantasy novel.

    If he says no, get your mom to talk to him and try to help you out. I'd also recommend attempting to give him something he wants as a compromise. Like maybe an hour extra study time, or to read a new book every week, or something like that.

    If you are willing to sacrifice your time and compromise, I think your dad might also start to compromise a little bit with you, and let you go!

    Lastly, make sure there is no way he can track what you are doing. Be extremely careful when having physical touch with her, if you know your dad is in the area nearby. having possibly drove and dropped you off. Try not to be too open about it, until you get to 18 (which I am assuming you aren't because you need your parents permission) and stay safe!

    I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck, friend! Be careful, and we (by we I mean me and my entire book club consisting of 3 other bi-curious girls) are rooting for you! You can do this! Be strong!

    All the best,
    Gigi + Book Club




     
  9. Justmeisenough

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    I turned 18 this june