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How do I stop myself from texting someone?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lovetoomuch, Jun 1, 2019.

  1. lovetoomuch

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    Hi, I could really use some advice on how to stop being a psycho and just not put myself through this anymore.

    Back in early February a guy and I had a solid date. To make a long story short, he was heavily flirting and while I don’t usually like doing anything past kissing on the first date, the vibe felt right so I went for it. He said he didn’t want to go there and I accepted that. I freaked out the whole week after that thinking I gave him the wrong impression of myself and I ended up texting him saying I feel like he isn’t into me and this should end. I regretted it the next morning and that text ended up changing everything.

    Over the past 5 months I have been texting about every week or so. One week he will respond for a little (and very dry) and then he won’t respond the next 4 times.

    I tend to text him at night - I guess when I’m lonely and reminded of him. Sometimes I’ll go stretches of two weeks or so without texting him and then I’ll impulsively do it at night.

    Every time I do it I regret it soon after because I’m waiting for a response that I never get. At this rate, I feel like it’s entertainment for him. He doesn’t block me and he decides when he wants to respond. One time he even responded and started talking about how he was horny. The next time I texted him, I got no response.

    While I’m being too much and KNOW I have to stop, I feel like he really isn’t being fair to me either and he knows how much this hurting me.

    Side note: I’m 23 and he is 40. He is out to people and on apps but his parents don’t know he is gay (which in my opinion means he hasn’t been in a serious enough relationship for the person to meet his family, which I find strange).

    So firstly, do you think he is playing games with me / somewhat being unfair in this situation?

    But most importantly, how do I stop myself from constantly sabotaging myself and feeling like crap? I just can’t take this much more, but I seem to have no self-control at times.

    Thanks in advance for any help. :frowning2:
     
  2. Rin311

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    Yes, I do think he’s playing games. In any case, games or not, he’s obviously not acting like he’s into you in any way. How do you stop yourself from texting? Block him. You get absolutely nothing good out of texting him, so go ahead and block him. It’ll feel bad at first, but then it’ll feel better.
    If you feel like that’s beyond you right now, try preparing for those times when you know you might do it. Distract yourself by calling a friend, reading, going for a walk, watching a movie - anything that can distract you until the urge passes.
    It’ll get easier once you put more distance between yourself and him, and it will get way easier once you find someone else, hopefully someone who wants the same things you want. Take care.
     
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  3. Chip

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    I don't even think he's playing games. But I do think he's clearly not interested, or he'd be more responsive. Perhaps he doesn't know how to directly say "I'm not interested", or doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or something else. It's also possible that, as he was first coming to terms, he was hitting on much younger guys (this seems to not be uncommon among older men coming out, sort of a 'second adolescence'.)

    Let this go. For one thing, there's no way a relationship between somebody 23 and somebody 40 is going to be emotionally healthy. He's almost twice your age. Totally different stages of life, differences in life experience and real-world knowledge, power dynamics. This wouldn't be healthy even if it came together.

    At its root, this is coming from low self esteem. For whatever reason, you don't believe that you deserve someone who cares about you as much as you care about them. So that's something you're going to need to work on regardless, or you'll just repeat a similar pattern with someone else. THis is something best explored in therapy, but in the meantime, you can check out Brené Brown's wonderful book 'The Gifts of Imperfection" and her three TED talks. Those are a good place to start with low self esteem issues.
     
  4. lovetoomuch

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    Hi Chip, sorry for the late response, but I wanted to thank you and Rin311 for the honest and insightful responses. I did leave out some parts of the story to shorten it, but I do believe he was playing games to some extent throughout this all.

    Either way, you are both absolutely right that 1.) this is not healthy / would never work and 2.) I just need to move on. Unfortunately, it's something I knew all along, but I needed to hear it from complete strangers for it to sink in. I have always had self-esteem issues and while they are better than previously, it's something I must continue working on. Thanks again because both of your replies truly helped.
     
  5. Devil Dave

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    I've found myself in a similar position. I met someone who I really admired at a time when I was regaining my confidence and my self esteem, and I think a part of me really wanted to share myself with this guy because I was coming to like who I was, and I wanted him to like my new and improved self as well. And for whatever reason, he didn't. He wasn't interested in me the way I was interested in him. And this really upset me because I thought I was becoming a better person, and I ended up falling for someone who I just wasn't good enough for.

    We deserve better.