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How do I navigate this situation w/o hurting anyone

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ameryllis, Oct 25, 2019.

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  1. Ameryllis

    Ameryllis
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    277
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Sacramento
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I have been going out with one girl since July who I met through ######, and we have been on about 9 dates so far with little progression. I finally texted her after the last one asking what we are and if we were dating, and she said she would like to date, and I agreed that I would like that. However we haven't indicated whether we are "girlfriends" yet, so our label is simply dating. We are both very shy about making moves/talking about dating at all, since neither of us have dated before.

    Unfortunately, we live about an hour apart and go to different schools, so seeing each other is difficult. I do value the relationship though so we communicate over texting daily in many paragraphs at a time.

    Another girl who I had a crush on last year admitted she has a crush on me now, and regularly texts me. This person is also in my main friend-group, so I see her quite a bit. I realized I have feelings for her again this year, but really do not want to. When she texts me I find it very difficult to respond in a way that doesn't prompt further conversation, and the times I have gotten drunk with her we both usually end up getting very affectionate. She knows I am going out with someone else, but has told my friends she hopes something will happen in the future.

    My feelings for both these people are equal, I just wish the crush on the other girl in my friend-group would go away.

    Should I tell the girl I am dating about this crush and basically stop seeing her, or just hope those feelings go away on their own? Has anyone else been in this situation + what would you recommend? I really don't want to hurt anyone and I really value the relationship I am in, I just wish the other feelings would go away.
     
    #1 Ameryllis, Oct 25, 2019
  2. Nelalvai

    Nelalvai
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2019
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Colorado, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'd leave girl-you're-dating out of it. Crushes happen. Not all need to be acted on, or announced.
    If you *want* to act on the crush, yeah, talk to girl-you're-dating, either to break up or open your relationship. But it sounds like that's not what you want, so...
    I've been there. Attraction doesn't switch off just because you're committed to a relationship. I can't tell you how to get rid of your feelings because feelings don't really follow rules or reason. But feelings are just feelings. They might be exciting or scary or tempting, but you're still in charge. Here's how I've handled crushes in the past:
    -I was honest (to myself) about my feelings ("I am attracted to my hot section leader")
    -I decided my goal ("I want to stay faithful to my partner, so I will not bone my hot section leader")
    -I avoided situations where I would be alone with the crush
    -I scaled back on flirty and dirty jokes around my crush
    -I scaled all the way back on physical contact, even mundane things like high-fives.
    -I channeled the FEELINGS into the music, like, "I'll be awesome at this song to impress my hot section leader". Crushes are energizing. You decide how to use the energy.

    None of this made the feelings go away, but it did help me not feel ashamed. Because I never acted on the crush, I could let the feelings and thoughts happen without worrying that they were disloyal or dangerous.
    The goal is to avoid situations where you'll be tempted, situations where lines get blurry, situations with phrases like "heat of the moment" and "it just happened". If restricted interactions (like mine) are still too tempting, be honest about that, too (and be kind about it), and scale farther back.

    Tl;dr: feelings are random, actions aren't, avoiding temptation is a lot easier than resisting temptation.
     
    #2 Nelalvai, Oct 28, 2019
    Ameryllis and lovewine like this.
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