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How do I learn to be "chill" with guys?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lovetoomuch, Jan 5, 2020.

  1. lovetoomuch

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    Hi, this is going to be a long story (as my posts always seem to be) and I'm going to be very upfront and honest, even though I'm embarrassed. I really want / need to make a change because my mental health can't take this anymore, truthfully.

    Story: A guy and I met on a hookup app back on Christmas (December 25), but from the very beginning it was clear we weren't looking for a hookup. We exchanged numbers that night and started texting every day. Ok let's start with the kicker: I'm 24 and he is 38.

    After we had a great conversation on Christmas, I fully expected us to not talk again. You know how apps work sometimes. I promised myself I wouldn't reach out first again because I've been hurt before and always end up getting invested. He actually messaged me first on the morning of December 26 and said, "Just wanted to say I was thinking of you and hope you have a great day!" I was thrown off and replied quickly, saying similar sentiments. He is very busy at work, but we talked a lot the next few days. We went on a date on December 30 and it was great. Connection was there, I found him super attractive, etc.

    The next few days communication continued and again, he was a busy guy at work (while I have the ability to text whenever at work). We didn't get to talk much, but we talked every morning and every night, so I was doing okay. Constantly saying we were thinking of each other, talking about our day, etc.

    Towards this past Thursday and Friday I started getting upset, though, because he was making no mention of a second date. Since the first date, all I was looking forward to was the second one. I'm accustomed to guys wanting to make plans since the first one went well. Everything he was saying pointed towards him liking me, but the not making plans thing was bothering me. As you can tell, I was falling for him.

    I mentioned a second date twice and he said, "Yeah, we'll set something up" with no real follow up. I typically went to bed after that text and it was never brought up again.

    It finally hit Saturday (yesterday) and I was upset. I wanted to see this guy again and nothing had been set in stone. I should have been wise and written something concise. But he had made me feel so comfortable and I really thought he liked me, so I wrote a pretty long message (longer than this, like a fool) along of the lines of "You've been great and so communicative, but I feel silly because I keep trying to make plans and you haven't really responded to that. I want to see you again because you're going on travel soon."

    Radio silence. Nothing. I would say this is the 3rd time I've been ghosted and I promised myself I wouldn't get invested again, but here I am. I waited all afternoon and night yesterday for a response.

    I said one final thing this afternoon: "I don't want a text to ruin a good thing, but if that was too much I get it"

    Radio silence. Again. My little confidence is shot. My mental health is shot. I feel so stupid for texting that text. When I sent it, I was upset and fully understood he may not respond to me again (even though I didn't think that would actually happen). Now, it's happened though and I'm hating myself. I'm hating myself for not being "chill." For always being "too much."

    I just don't know how to calm down. I was previously dating someone my age (for about 2.5 months) and this wasn't an issue for me. We broke up for other reasons that were mutually agreed upon.

    I just feel really inadequate right now. I feel like I always ruin things with guys because I end up texting the guy something crazy.

    One second I say to myself, "This is me. If a guy can't accept it, he isn't for me." But more often, I'm in the mood of, "You're the common denominator. Guys keep running away from you. You're the problem."

    It sucks. This guy sent me a text earlier yesterday morning saying "Thinking of you *kissy face*" I sent that long text a few hours later and now haven't heard from him since.

    Has anyone ever faced similar issues (of just feeling like too much)? I assume not to the extreme that I go to, but any advice could be helpful. Anything you've found that helps? I'm upset about a guy I went on one date with (again) and I'm just so tired of this feeling.
     
  2. resu

    Advisor Full Member

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    Personally, I think guys put way too much emphasis on being "chill" or "laid back" if that means not being decisive and considerate of other people's time and energy.

    Remember you met this guy less than a month ago, and 14 years is a big age gap (which may also suggest different dating styles). It's sad he wasn't communicating what you really wanted to know (about a second date), but if he really was interested, he would have set a time, date, and place, even if it may be far in advance. That's entirely his choice.

    Your final text was not bad, but try to avoid apologizing "being too much" if he never said that. We all have things we can improve in our lives, but when you assume other people are thinking poorly of you, it's going to hurt your self-esteem even more.

    It's sad you only had one date, but chances are you're going to have many more one-time dates than two or multiple dates.