I'm Madi, and I just recently started questioning my sexuality (I think). I'm from Lithuania and the freedom of speech of LGBTQIA+ people is limited here. I didn't know this until recently, but I think that this is why I might be so confused now. I'm looking for some advice on how to figure things out. Firstly, I think it would idea to start with a back story. As I already said, I have had very limited exposure to anything but heterosexual people. In Lithuania, it is illegal to "propagate" homosexuality. Until very recently I didn't know about this law at all. The scope of it is actually wider than I initially thought. This law was the reason that all TV stations refused to air an ad that featured a person wearing a T-shirt that said "diverse families". So needless to say my exposure is very limited. I have independently seen some more diverse movies, but never anything that featured women. The only two-sided conversation I ever had about this was with my family member who claimed that homosexuality was a sickness. They're a medical doctor. As for me - I don't think I have ever felt a physical attraction to men. As wrong as it sounds, I like talking to them and even flirting, but I think it's only because it makes me feel good about myself. Whenever they start getting into my personal space I cringe. I never had this problem with girls, but I thought it was just because they are generally smaller and friendlier. I never had crushes on boys through my childhood, and in my teen years, I had started thinking that I would never be attracted to anyone. I thought that maybe I had some hidden trauma that made me uncomfortable about men, but I really don't think that's the case. I often feel physically uncomfortable around them, and I can't decide if I'm really not attracted to men or if I have some irrational fear of them that overwhelms the attraction. I found out about asexuality, and just decided that that is what I must be. Anyhow, I recently had a conversation with my older sister, where she spoke about how limited LGBTQIA+ rights are where we live. She mentioned lesbians, and something sort of just clicked. Not to say that I decided I was a lesbian then and there, but I just started contemplating that as an option for the first time. I'm very open with my sister about everything, so she is now the only person who knows about my confusion. The only thing she had to say to me is that I'm the only one who can figure it out. I can't picture myself having a family with a man, but now that I have started thinking about it, I can imagine spending my life with a woman. I can't decide if that is because I just get along with them better, or if I feel genuine attraction. I have never had any physical interactions with anyone, so I'm struggling to figure out how to recognize attraction. I don't have much more to say... I don't know if I was ever attracted to men, but I have never been friends with them after I turned 12-ish. And sometimes I think that I felt more for some of my female friends than others throughout my childhood. All in all, I'm just confused. How do I know when I'm attracted to someone? Is my aversion to men related to my sexuality? How can I figure these things out without hurting anyone's feelings? I would be so grateful if any of you could help me out in any way.
Welcome to EC. I’m sorry that you’re feeling confused and that you’re in environment that seems largely unaccepting, with limited exposure to LGBT people. It’s good that you have your sister to talk to and for support though, and she is right, only you can figure this out. I can relate to some of what you’ve said. When I was younger, I could never see myself finding a man that I would be able to form a connection with. I was happy to be friends with a guys, joke around, but I couldn’t see myself finding one that I would be happy to spend lots of time with and share my life with. However, it didn’t occur to me that I might not be straight, so I eventually ended up in an unfulfilling and miserable relationship with a man. When I was questioning my sexuality, one thing that helped me to make up my mind was thinking about how the prospect of only ever having relationships with men felt, and it felt miserable, bleak and boring. How does that prospect make you feel? How do you envision that you might hurt somebody’s feelings? Are you referring to the reactions of those around you? It’s tough questioning your sexuality, so be kind to yourself.
Hello, Madi. Your situation would definitely be cause for some confusion. I'm sorry you don't have the freedom to explore your orientation; all I can recommend is that you be careful. Your sister is right--no one else can really figure it out for you. Asexuality is a possibility, but it sounds more to me like you're repulsed by the idea of being with men in any capacity. It might be that you haven't found one that clicks with you, but I think it's more likely that you're simply not attracted to men at all. I can't be certain one way or another, as I don't know you personally or any events that might have influenced your feelings regarding men and women. Take your time and be patient with yourself; there's no rush in figuring your orientation out, no time limit in which to get it done. Research as much as you can (but again, please be careful!) and see what you come up with after. Have you felt anything particularly strong for any of your female friends? If you think back on early friendships or even examine current ones, do you notice anything specific about your behaviour around them or their behaviour around you? Any physical reaction (fluttering in your stomach, dry mouth/throat, nervousness, blushing, etc.) in their presence?
