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How do I know I am trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Gearless, Mar 12, 2019.

  1. Gearless

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    It's a new and kind of scary feeling for me. I mean, I'm not entirely sure what to make of these feelings inside of me or if they really mean anything. I thought I was gay, but there is some weirdness about being a guy to me. Some days it doesn't feel right at all and other times I don't mind it. I find I tend to identify more with the woman's body, but is it just the image of beauty I see on TV or is it more than that?

    I don't know what experiences in my life are proof of it or not and I don't know where to start. I know there were some events that happened that got me scared and a little nervous.
     
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  2. candiekane

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    I can relate to everything you have said in your post! For me it is clearly a feeling that comes and goes but deep down inside I know I relate best to woman and womanly things. I’ve also question my sexual orientation but really the primary issue is my gender identity. I see a therapist and in sorting this out along with other things. It gets very complicated because I have built a life as a man. I hope my response is helpful to you and there are some aspects you can relate to your thought and feelings.
     
  3. Gearless

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    Doesn't really help since I get kind of meta when people say woman and womanly things. Is it things that society declares to be womanly? If so then am I really trans at all? What if such things were not womanly, would that change anything? It's an entire layer of questioning that I inevitably get into when going down this road.

    It's just that the feelings come and go, and I don't want to end up doing something that later on down the line I can't come back from.
     
  4. Gearless

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    Yet I can’t help but wonder though when some things happen or I see some things that if by doing nothing I am also making a mistake.

    Sure as a kid I liked playing with the girls toys and dressing things up and I had a thing for the more feminine things that girls usually did. But there are also times when I look in a mirror and I think that isn’t me. That I am more myself when I play a female in a video game.
     
  5. Hats

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    Hi Gearless, welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Yeah, that reminds me of me three years ago before I came out as genderfluid. One thing I did was when I felt more female-aligned I’d ask myself if I wanted people to call me a man, and when I felt more male-aligned whether I wanted people to call me a woman. I found that in both scenarios it made me want to scream that I was the gender I was aligned with. What were the things that made you scared and nervous, and why did they make you feel that way? Sometimes it's the discomforting things which tell us what's really going on under the surface.
     
  6. Gearless

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    Funny thing is that saying "a girl's gotta......." feels more natural to say than "a guy's gotta". It just feels more natural that way for some reason, but it's scary as hell too. It almost feels like an admission of guilt or something.
     
  7. Litebrite

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    Wow relate to just about everything you are saying. The part about games really jumped out at. I feel the same, it just feels correct. Lately I feel incredibly no uncomfortable referring or even thinking not myself as male
     
  8. Gearless

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    The worst part of it is that I don't really know what to do.

    There was one time when I was playing Pokemon Y and after I finished dressing my character (female), looking at the finished product I felt a bolt run through my head. It just screamed "me" for a flash, then the confusion and fear set in.
     
  9. Litebrite

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    Yeah I've had that happen many times with character creator screens. I've spent hours in them feeling like I had to get it right because it was the only way I could feel like the representation of 'me' was genuine.

    Thething that's really messing me up is when I see woman IRL and start feeling bad I don't look like them. I've been feeling jealous of female friends and co-workers, never feel like that about men.
     
  10. Kodo

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    What made it clear to me that I was trans were two things: my body and how I wished to be perceived by others. Since I was about ten and throughout adolescence, I had a lot of dysphoria surrounding my body's feminine characteristics. I wished I had a flat chest, a dick, a deep voice, body hair, and muscles like the rest of the guys my age had. I started binding my chest when I was about fifteen and that was the first moment in my presentation that felt "right." I would also wear masculine clothing and have short hair all the time. Also, like you mentioned, I would often play video games where you could create your own character and make male characters I could present vicariously through since it wasn't safe for me to do in real life.

    The second thing was how I wanted to be seen by others. I wanted to be referred to as male, being called "he/him" has felt more natural and comfortable. Being called Alec as opposed to my birth name also helped. For a long time I was unable to come out and start my transition. The early stages of experimenting with presentation and even coming onto forums like this to be seen as a guy were very important.

    A couple of questions which helped me think it through:
    -If you could wake up tomorrow and have your body be any way you wanted it, what would it look like?
    -If there was a guarantee of full acceptance from family and friends, would you transition?
    -Thinking of yourself ten or twenty years in the future, do you see a man or a woman?
    -If you were to have kids, would you want to be a father or a mother?

    Being trans is not about what you wore or what toys you played with as a child, though for some reason those details are always included in trans narratives. It is more about the inherent sense of identity (e.g. self perception, relationship with your body's sexual characteristics) and where that falls on the gender spectrum. It's about your body and who you are in relation to others. It's about whether transition would alleviate dysphoria and be a fulfilling step for you. Gender expression is clothing, makeup, hobbies, mannerisms, haircuts, etc. Expression is often an important part of transition because those are ways to alleviate dysphoria and pass better, but being gender nonconforming doesn't mean someone is trans.

    A good way to test the waters to see if medical transition is right for you is to start experimenting with reversible changes such as with your expression. You could also try going by a different name and pronouns. I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist with experience in trans issues as they are trained to help you work through these thoughts.
     
    #10 Kodo, Mar 15, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2019
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  11. Mark543

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    I'm in a similar position I thought I was naturally feminine due to my personality but now I find myself hating my body hair and wishing I had a higher more feminine voice and look I honestly think It would have made more sense if I was born a girl
     
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  12. Gearless

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    The thing about that is I wonder I am trans just because a like certain things and that if society codes certain things as male/female, if such things weren't coded that way then would I still feel like this or would there be something else entirely. Gender is somewhat defined by society so that complicates things for me.

    The thought of a transition feels like a mistake and a good idea at the same time.

    The thing about testing the waters is that I get bored. It's like it's more of a pet project or whatever, not something I want to permanently be. My "identity" feels more like a shapeshifter, just changing to the latest whim or fancy that crosses my path, and then I'm off to something else. Reexamining my claims before, transitioning would be a mistake. Because then I can't go back.

    These feelings have been with me for a few years I think, but they fade eventually and it's something that feels more fun to have than to actually go through. Like something I would play around with just because of the IDEAS I have about it, but never actually go with it because it sounds like a mistake. Like dark fantasies I guess would be the parallel, things to mull over and enjoy but NEVER execute.

    Though if I could wake up with the body I want I wouldn't know what that would be. I mean I don't have any strong attachments to either outcome, but I guess it would be something like a monster. That's kind of what I felt more like to be honest.