Day ??? In the closet. I think it has been years. I hate that I keep jumping back and forth between whether or not I'm trans, hoping I won't have to come out some day, hoping that being my self won't make people hate me, hoping that dressing in a bra and badass system of a down tank top with complimentary gorgeous blue hair won't make people stare in disgust. If it weren't for my liver transplant I would have turned to the bottle, and i already effed up with morphine so I don't even smoke weed lest it led back to that hell. I hate being indisisive about my self. And. I hate. The persona of a imature, lazy, unkind male that the bully's in my school unknowingly created in me to mask my love of gorgeous things, and singing, and dancing, and getting In peoples business to ask what's wrong, then helping them. Then go to prom with a flowing purple dress with my honey wearing a complimentary light green dress. Highschool was a waste and if I don't fix this my community college years will be to. I want to start hormones quick but don't want to tell my family. They care so much im afraid that they will say it's the male hormones, or it's a faze, or those dreaded words;"are you sure." My grandparents are still coming to terms with my cousin and his amazing boy friend, but me saying I'm trans may put them over the edge. to them 'trans' probably just means, 'cut we-we off, dress funny.' How ever well they took my cousin coming out they are still 70 were born when transgender and transvestite were the same. It doesn't mean I like earrings, or boys, or even allot of makeup. But I love pretty things, I hate my body now, my chest feels like something is missing and EFF body hair. How do I hate myself less for not having the guts to say " My name is Samantha" to my family? What now?
Hi Samantha, Your struggles kind of hit a note with me. I struggled to accept myself as gay in college. I dropped out of high school because I was acting up, ditching, fighting, etc. My parents pulled me. I ended up going the GED and Community College route. In Community College, I started drinking heavily to suppress my gayness. By the time I moved on to a 4 year (it took me 6 years to graduated CC) I was a full blown alcoholic. Long story short, I went to rehab, finished my 4 year and went on to get a masters. In all of that, I had to realize that I am who I am. Hiding myself, denying myself, or just plain old self-doubt is a waste of time. Once I accepted myself as gay, this huge secret that I'd been carrying around seemed small and insignificant. People either didn't care or were supportive. The few snide comments I did get were quickly shot down by other people. Being part of the LGBTQA+ community is not as big a deal as being an a**hole on the college campuses I attended. That may not have been very helpful, but I wanted you to know it can be done. As far as family is concerned, I don't have any helpful advice. I'm still working on that one. Anyway, good luck with your school work, and congrats on getting clean! I hope things get better for you.
