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How do I fulfill my needs and stay in the closet?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SeattlebiM, Nov 4, 2020.

  1. Bastion

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    You are correct. Men and women are different when it comes to thinking about and expressing their sexuality. Women in general tend be more emotional and men thinking in general about the sexual acts themselves not necessarily romantically.

    Also what you said about society. And this is also an issue than can cause conflict. That Men and women are expected to act in certain ways. Not necessarily how they would like to act or be.
     
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  2. Tightrope

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    Common. But harder to identify and find than gay men, it seems. I don't know what the exact percentages are. They seem to do a better job estimating the gay and lesbian population and still don't do a good job. Some studies go way high and some seem low, like the Williams Institute report coming from California. They seem to base their findings on media usage in some studies.

    The tricky thing with bi people is the sexual and affectional part. They're looking for different things and open or closed to different things. If you find a friend who is bi, you've done well. If you find a FWB, you've gotten closer to what you need. Remember that most FWB situations eventually end but you may still remain friends. That's more important.

    I have had two bi male friends. One was married and one was single. The friendship with the married one ended because of family situations going on that were not related to me. The friendship with the single one ended because he was an alcoholic and it got to be too much to handle. I didn't get it because he had an incredible mind when he was sober and that's when he was good to be around. I was friends with him for about 6 years. Over 10 years with the married one.
     
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  3. SevnButton

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    Hi @Bastion -
    I've taken the approach that the best path is to be honest and open. My wife has not done well with me telling her I'm bi. But keeping that secret would surely lead to a bad result. Eventually my wife would know the truth and I would always feel it's wrong. Sex with anyone outside of my marriage is out of the question. It's important to me to be able to be honest and open with at least a few people. What I'd really like is to have a social situation where I could hang out with a few people and feel totally free to be myself without hiding. Empty Closets is the best thing I've found.

    I'm still figuring it out. This pandemic isn't making it any easier.

    =Sevn
     
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  4. Bastion

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    Hi @SevnButton

    Thanks for the reply. You are right and what you said makes sense. I did the same. With the same results. I kept going over it and thinking there’s no point. It’s better that way.
    Am also still figuring things out myself. While I would like to get to know and befriend like minded people. We can only do so much with this COVID thing hanging over our heads. I agree, it makes things much more difficult.
     
  5. SeaSpell

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    @SeattlebiM Your post speaks to me on all levels. Coincidentally enough, I'm also in Seattle. I'm a curious married man interested in finding someone to at least crack the closet door open a bit. I'm also not interested in changing my current situation, but would love to get to know someone of like mind on a deeper level. Weird to talk about this on an open forum, but would love to discuss more.
     
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  6. Drent

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    I am bi. I don't know any other bi guy. My wife and me have speculated who could be bi in our friends circle...I am starting to think we are extremely scarce...red list near to extinction.
     
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  7. quadratic

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    I am now 60. In my early 40s I joined a local bi-married men's support group, that used to meet for regular lunches, and that had a very active online forum - at one stage there were over 200 men involved in the forum, and far more that signed up but never posted. I got immense value from this - and some lovely liaisons. Through discussions - both online, at the lunches and one-on-one - I learned a lot about myself, and it helped me greatly in firming my sexuality. Since then the group has died a natural death, as these things do (also the system it was using no longer exists), and I myself have come to consider myself no longer bi but gay. But judging from myself and at least 200+ others, being "actively bi" and in the closet is certainly possible. One of the perennial discussions in the group was coming out to our wives; a very few did but most did not - the group existed as a place to let off "sexual steam", as it were. I have since come out to my family, but as you will read elsewhere on these forums, it has not gone well!
     
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  8. Nickw

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    I wanted to express something on this forum that I think should be reinforced once in awhile for new readers...

    it is, usually, a very bad idea for those of us in heterosexual marriages to “explore” our same sex desires with other men. I’m not judging those that have when I say that. I almost did myself. It’s just that, for many of us, either we want to maintain the marriage (it is important to us) or we need to live a gay life.

    Consider this. If one’s same sex desires are so compelling that one will risk that marriage, then one should take a good hard look at both the marriage and their sexuality.

    Some marriages do allow bisexuals to have intimacy with others of the same sex. Mine has DEVELOPED into that. But, my wife may very well have kicked me out if I had been having intimacy with men outside the marriage without her knowing. It is VERY difficult to regain the trust once you lose it.

    Again. I am not trying to be a moral authority. I have no high ground. But, this is the practicality for most of us I think.
     
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  9. eron

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    Rest assured you are not alone, and you are not a freak. I'm single and in a similar circumstance. It's challenging to find a like-minded guy, and the journey will uncover all sorts of characters - as you can imagine in any online endeavor. I wouldn't limit yourself to bi-men only. I've met a few gay guys who were open to an FWB situation. The hard part I discovered is a lot of bi and gay men will initially react favorably to a FWB situation, but after digging a bit deeper, they may be looking for something else. Perhaps my criteria are too rigid, and I offer no value judgment, but I shy away from the "experimenters," married guys, and if the ones who pretend to want an FWB but really looking for a quickie hookup. Again - no value judgment - just not my thing. Of course, now Covid has thrown a wrench in to everything.
     
  10. Tymee

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    I'm past the deadline and not looking for a soulmate. I'm looking for someone to talk, laugh, and fool around with. I stayed on line because the men only know me on line. We talk about anything and everything. Some guys have stayed some have left but thats ok. I'm for the most part still in the closet. I get to be me on line and have my true life here. Some people say will just come out to everyone and be happy. Well, for me its not really an option so this is the next best thing. I think I will come out eventually but not now. So until then I stay here in the virtual world where I am truly alive.