How do I fulfill my needs and stay in the closet?

I am pansexual and I am only interested in fwb or non-monogamy. I looked online as well. I found that but not easily. I am looking for a woman in addition to the man I am friends with now. I felt like a weird person wanting that. Especially that I came from a hetero marriage before the divorce. I think it's good that you know what you want and your expectations.

 

From what I have found, most of the men on the sites and apps are only looking for sex, and have no expectations or desires for love. Their only expectations or desires are time and place — now/later, once/ongoing, and your place/my place/other places. Problems are mostly related to availability, being able to meet up can be more of a challenge if one or both of the men have other commitments. Just my perspective.

 

Each of the sites/apps have their own design features. Some are geared toward specific interests. Most have the ability to include personal info about yourself and who you are looking for. Within the rules of the site/app, each member decides for themselves what info to include. When I go on a site/app, I will review a member’s entire info. I might find 1 out of 1,000 who may be a possibility, and decide to send a message. The member might reply, or might not. The process is daunting, to be sure, but I have found a few (very few!) like minded men this way. Now whether we actually meet is separate matter, since most sites/apps are global.

 

Of course bi men exist. But do you limit your search to other bi men? I think each of us is rather unique. Sure, there are some broad categories, but I choose to read beyond the category to find out about the man.

 

Just my suggestion — focus instead on a different specific. Maybe locations within a certain distance, or your city/county. Or maybe your interests, such as weight training, hiking, etc.

 

You definitely do exist, and I don't think it's that bi men are less common than bi women--but that out bi men are less common. I've heard tell many bi men either remain closeted as straight, or come out as fully gay to avoid the stigma of "bi now, gay later" (which is a nonsense stigma all bisexuals face, but it seems to be more predominately applied to men). There's also the stigma that if a man comes out as bi, he's really just gay and afraid to admit it; while cases such as that can and have been true, it's sad to see people paint every bisexual person with the same brush.

As to the site issue--well, that's a tough one. I understand wanting the fwb situation to be with someone who shares your orientation since they're the most likely to understand how you feel, but I think any gay men open to fwb would be as accepting too, as long as you are honest about yourself.

 

Well I do face this stigma and have for almost four years now. The thing you said about painting everything person who is bi with the same brush is very true and is a big issue. I know there are a lot of misconceptions and they are most of the times misunderstood.

How do you get past those issues?

 

@SeattlebiM

I wonder if you are really comfortable with the “gay” side of your sexuality? I know that in order for me to accept that I really was bisexual rather than “straight with a kink” I had to accept that I was gay.

Along with accepting that I am attracted to men sexually, I learned that I am attracted to men romantically. Really, the two are pretty much the same thing. Our brains aren’t really wired to separate sexual and romantic attraction even though they may manifest differently with different people. In other words I may be attracted romantically to one person but find myself more sexually attracted to another. This is different than defining that I am sexually attracted to men but not romantically attracted to men.

If you are single, I would suggest not entering into any sort of a relationship by deciding ahead of time how that relationship should develop. As you become more accepting of your same sex desires, you may find that you can be (are) attracted to men romantically. It is really about letting your guard down.

I am capable of having sexual relationships with men or women and romantic relationships with men or women. It is really more about the person. It took me a long time to understand this.

If all you want is casual intimacy with men, it is easy to find plenty of guys for that. But, as someone pointed out, they might be more promiscuous than you are comfortable with. Finding another man who is willing to only have a sexual relationship, who is not promiscuous, is a tall order. You might find someone in the poly community (I don’t know how this is done) who is looking for a third for a casual relationship.

I have both a wife and a FWB. But, this situation is rather rare I believe and I have no misconceptions that when my FWB moves on that I will find another arrangement like this. I met this guy on a hook up app even though we were both looking more for friends than a hookup. So, it can happen.

 

There definitely are a lot of misconceptions. I've been lucky in not having to deal with too many of them directly, but the few I have have been enough. I think, difficult as it is, the only thing you can do is educate people where you can, and move on from those that you can't. Some people just need an inside perspective to shed their misconceptions; others never will, no matter how much evidence you have contrary to their expectations. It's not our job to educate everyone--that's too heavy a burden, and considering bisexuals are no more a monolith than any other group, what they learn from one bisexual wouldn't be the truth for all of us. For those who want to learn though, they'll make the effort to get it from as many bisexual people (or people who at least understand bisexuality) as possible.

Remember, not all gay men are necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, either. Just like any other orientation, you have people who want relationships, yes--but you also have people who want casual hook-ups, or short-term relationships. As long as you're honest in your bio that all you're looking for is an FWB, they can't hold it against you when it doesn't go further.

 

Hi @SeattlebiM ! What you wrote here seems like exactly what would work for your info in the apps. I have found that knowing (or at least deciding) what I want and then being clear with others helps immensely toward reducing my angst, and actually getting me closer to what I want.

 

... as for whether bi men exist, here's my guess: We "later in life" guys came of age in a time when there was a lot more fear, misunderstanding and shame about being something other than full-on straight. So for those of us who are somewhere between straight and gay, it's actually a pretty workable solution to present ourselves and live as full-on straight. It's not the best way, but it's manageable.

 

Hey @SevnButton

So how do you deal with it or manage that? Are you married?

 

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It can happen. Yes. But it has to be secretive and in the closet. Because not many people will accept it. That’s the main problem. That’s what’s it’s like for me at least. I know what I am and I can live with that. But it’s too complicated for our life partners and people to understand that we may have other needs.So to avoid and minimize complications and internal and external conflicts arising from this. I try to deal with it in my own time with other ways for now. With no intimate contact. Friends is good. I guess it’s a compromise I will have to accept it considering the only time I had a fwb he wanted everything or nothing.

If you are single or have your life partners acceptance that’s a different matter for sure.

 

I get the impression that (and feel free to connect me if you think I’m wrong) maybe due to the different ways we are brought up and society in general men are initially more comfortable thinking of other men in a sexual way and thinking of men romantically can take more time. Where as I think women can more easily think of other women in a romantic sense as we are more used to being emotionally close and talking about our emotions. I know women who have had emotional’ affairs. I think women might take more time to be direct about what they want sexually. So in this way we maybe approach same sex experiences a bit differently?