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How do I find a partner in later life ?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jamie1975, Jan 14, 2018.

  1. Jamie1975

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    Hi guys

    Please be patient with me as I explain my situation.

    I am a 42 year old chubby male, who has only recently accepted I am Gay. I am out to a few people but not to everyone.

    I am now struggling with how to find Mr Right. I certainly don’t want to rush things, but also want to be heading in the right direction. All I want is to wake up next to “my guy” and to turn the key in the lock to know he is waiting there with a cuddle and a cup of tea, or me to do that for him. Probably sounds silly and I am sorry if it does.

    I have tried sites like ###### and ###### and ###### but feel people on there are very superficial. Once they know you are large build and small tackle (sorry if tmi) they don’t want to know. It’s always “sorry not my type” after I send a pic. And due to my age night clubs aren’t really my scene.

    I have tried to find lgbt social groups in my area but they are very limited due to living in valleys of South Wales. Cardiff is about 45 mins away but even that offers limited opportunities and not living there limits number of visits due to cost and early finish of trains.

    I also have this attraction to younger guys than myself, late 20s and early 30s and of a smaller build than myself. I know I am being fussy but hate my own heavy weight and am just not attracted to older guys.

    Sometimes I feel like giving up as 42 seems old to me and I feel like I have left it too late to embrace my sexuality and find it hard not to feel jealous of attractive guys in their 20s.

    Any help gladly received.

    Many thanks

    Steven
    Xx
     
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  2. Flynn S

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    This is an interesting question. Unfortunately I cannot provide an answer though I’d like to see how other people respond. I know there’s a stereotype that gay men are very fit and only want to date other very fit men. To what extent is that true? I’m sort of a scrawny guy on more of the twig end of the spectrum and have almost a natural aversion to the gym. So does that put me out too? I’ve also heard it’s tougher for trans men.

    Overall it’s an interesting situation Steven, I’d be curious to see how it ends. Just don’t give up, 42 isn't that old!
     
  3. Choirboy

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    I would say you're shooting yourself in the foot if you are both down on your own physical appearance, AND are looking for a specific physical type for a partner. I'm 56 and probably the kindest descriptors of me would be that I have a beautiful smile and a nice thick head of silvery white hair. Everything else is pretty average for someone my age, and the weight is definitely above average. But I had barely come out to my wife when I met a great guy online, and we're at almost 3 years together, best friends, very much in love, and have never so much as had a fight. I have a physical type that I'm attracted to, and he really isn't it, but as he puts it, we're more into "the you" than "the view". Maybe look for a person first, and consider the look an added bonus, rather than starting with the look, and then trying to find a personality that works?
     
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  4. OnTheHighway

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    I know you feel compelled to try and find a life partner. Whether your 42, 48, 52, there are matches to be found.

    However, having recently embraced your sexuality, you should consider working more on your own development as your continue your journey to self actualization rather than focusing on finding a partner.

    You have much to learn about yourself. And as you do, you may find an evolution on how you perceive your own physical appearance and learn to love whom you are. You need to love yourself before others can love you. This will take work, determination and fortitude.

    Be patient. Take the time on yourself. Then all the other pieces may fall into place.
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    I agree with OTH and would add that when I found myself in your situation (that is, new to gay dating after coming out), my goal was to make connections with other guys and not find a BF. These connections could be friendship, a hookup, a date/nice evening, a series of regular get-togethers, or dating. As you gain experience making connections with other guys, you'll figure out what you like in guys (both physical and personality) and prepare yourself for more serious dating efforts to find a BF/partner. Take your time and enjoy the journey!
     
    #5 SiennaFire, Jan 14, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2018
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  6. BosiMalkia

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    its never hard to find a partner at any age, weight, height, etc. It only becomes hard when we add on all these my types. When we add on what we find attractive, alot of the times we are putting an X out on his we look. I find it extremely funny if you say you wouldn' date yourself. It says alot. Do not get discourage when getting rejected, sometimes it happens
     
  7. heyrita

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    I totally agree with OTH, you have to love your imperfection first. Time will come and someone will see how beautiful you are inside and out.
     
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  8. Rana

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    Hi Jamie,
    I can really relate to what you wrote. I'm only a year younger than you and came out to myself as a lesbian only last year. All of these thoughts have gone through my mind in the last year. How/if I will find my life partner, and even how will I build a community of LGBTQ friends late in life. My old life suddenly didn't fit anymore once I realized my sexual orientation because I didn't have many people in my life that I could relate to.

    I didn't try the online thing because I didn't feel I'd like it. I'm sure it's not all that bad but I haven't wanted to do that yet. I find that meeting people the old fashioned way is less stressful for me. I understand this may not be possible because of your location, but you never know!

    As for attraction, I certainly have a type that I'm attracted to as well (though not a younger type). Nevertheless, I'm discovering that it's possible to be attracted to someone you wouldn't expect after getting to know them. So much of attraction is related to who the person is and not just their esthetic. That's why I'm trying to keep an open mind and not limit myself to only getting to know people who I have an instant attraction to. In my experience, the attraction often comes after I get to know the person.

    Like others have said, definitely work on your own self esteem before dating because that's so important. Insecurities make relationships way more complicated and negative. Don't lose hope. You're in your early 40's! That's not old! ❤️
     
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  9. Markieg64

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    Hi Jamie
    I know were your coming from but I came out to a mate recently and I met another gay guy there we started chating then later on had a kiss which turned into a snog
    Then I pulled away I was just not ready

    There is so much more I need to learn about my new self and rally be happy with myself before I can contemplate a relationship with another guy .
    So just take time it will come
    When you least expect it
     
  10. bingostring

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    Chubby men have their own social strata - and their admirers - you’ve just got to find them.

    You may have to google furiously to find the right place.

    But try these ideas:
    • Widen your social circles generally to include more contacts with all sorts of people. Gay and straight ... and you will improve your chances of crossing paths with someone really interesting
    • Put yourself out there in some new group activities. Eg Gay Outdoor Club for hiking
    • “Meetup” groups in your area.
    • Look at week long residential groups like Edward Carpenter Community
    • Long weekend groups like TheQuest
    • There are special clubs and groups that specialise in chubbies
    You may have to invest a bit in travel, hotels and costs .. but what better way to enjoy yourself for long weekends away whilst opening yourself up for some chance encounters with other people?

    Put yourself out of your comfort zone and get out there!
     
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  11. YermanTom

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    Hi Steven


    I'm in a similar position, or soon will be. I'm starting the separation process with my wife of 31 years and I'm terrified of the prospect of the 'dating scene’. I’m 62 but look older. The idea of meeting someone just for sex is a big turn off, I prefer having a relationship.

    There is a support group for gay married men, that I attend, that I find helpful and supportive. Any of the guys, from the group, that left their wives ended up with a boyfriend within a short length of time. All of them worried that they would end up alone. It was a matter of putting themselves ‘out there’ joining clubs and getting involved in various organisations. Some even met people in ‘non scene’ clubs.
    One guy I know assumed he was too old and past his ‘best before’ date ended up with a super hot boyfriend within weeks of coming out and leaving the wife.

    So, as regards giving up don’t. You are only too old after your last breath.


    There is someone out there for you and you’ll probably meet him when you least expect it. It’s a matter of putting yourself In situations where you will meet loads of people.


    Keep looking, he is out there looking for you.
     
  12. SevnButton

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    Steven, the more you are OK with yourself, the more other people are OK with you. My wish for you is that you get in touch with that light within yourself and that you let it shine. My sense from reading this thread is that you are a wonderful person.
     
  13. bearheart

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    I agree with most of the advice here. most importantly is that there are dating sites for chubby gay men and their admirers, a quick google search with those keywords will reveal some.
    At 42, you are young and the time is all yours .. don't rush into decisions and take your time knowing the other persons, for their personality is going to stick, their look, and especially their body type, will change with time (as will yours)!
    Good luck
     
  14. Andy T

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    Trust me, you will have admirers - Just try to work on your self-confidence and keep getting out there!

    I inadvertently seem to attract 20s lads since groving a beard and getting a sleeve tattoo (long story behind that)
    One said he loved 'douchey tough-looking' men so that's obviously my subtype in the gay world lol.
    In reality I'm quite shy and insecure but it boosted my ego no end.
     
  15. butterfly1

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    As some have said here, starting with who you are and the kind of person you are, is probably a good idea. When someone sees the inner confidence that you have worked on and built within you, that would get some attention. Building the foundation of you will be a great asset to what ever else goes on in your life. Some one doesn't just go out and run a race and expect to win the first time. They start with figuring out how to run, maybe get some coaching, get the proper shoes, etc. Just trying to suggest (as others have said), work from within on yourself.

    And age has nothing to do with where a person is on their path in life. I'm 64, and just learning about me. You'll be fine.
     
  16. PatrickUK

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    I agree with many of the points that have already been made and I would definitely encourage you to explore the idea of making social connections with other gay men in the first instance. Sometimes, we get so fixated on the idea of finding love that we almost make ourselves ineligible by appearing desperately keen. I don't know why it works that way, but it was always my experience that when you look too hard for love you never find it, but when you just chill out, go with the flow and try to connect and make friends with other gay men (with no preconceived ideas) opportunities open up in front of you.

    When it comes to the sort of guys you want to date, keep an open mind and try to broaden your horizons. We all have a 'type', but if we take time to look beyond our pigeonhole we begin to see real qualities in people we might otherwise dismiss. If all you want is a nice guy to wake up next to and meet you with a brew and a cuddle, does he need to be a 20 or 30 something with a lean physique? In the ideal world, maybe, but there is a real problem when we begin to idealise relationships. Again, it was my experience that a guys real depth and beauty emerges over time as you get to know him and like him as a person. I'm not suggesting that initial spark of attraction is irrelevant, but we need to stay open minded and base our choices on more that what he looks like.

    The one thing that did come across in your post is a negative self image and I think you need to work on that, because you may be giving off bad vibes without realising it. If you don't like yourself or value yourself, you make it hard for others to do the same.

    Some food for thought, I hope.
     
  17. Jenny1515

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    You will find the one the moment you stop looking for him. Best of luck.