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How do I deal with internalized homophobia and not feeling legit?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Tre, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. Tre

    Tre
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    I'm dealing with some pretty bad internalized homophobia. But I also panic about not looking truly gay. It's just so confusing for me. One minute I panic about possibly bisexual and wishing I could be gay. Another minute I panic about actually being gay and I worry it will define and limit me. I'm just a mess.
     
  2. Necrose

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    Can't help with the internalized homophobia all that much, I mostly dealt with it on my own years ago. The internet has helped with what I couldn't work out my own, and what I can't get over, I accept I may never because who honestly is completely accepting of everything? I can really only tell you that the rest of your life is not set in stone. How do you want the world to see you? How are you comfortable expressing yourself? There's no right or wrong look or behavior when it comes to being gay, bi, lesbian, whatever. There is, however, you and what definitions and limits you place on yourself. Others may not understand, no matter how many times you explain yourself. I, however, feel that nobody really owes anyone an explanation of themselves. Do you want to be gay? There's plenty of people who will love and accept you as that or any other thing you want to be seen as, and of all the people you could possibly be friends or lovers with, your life experiences with them as friends or lovers could very well be so varied and diverse in terms of what you do with them that really, the only limits I can think of is how many people you meet, how you met them, and what you do together. Monotony can strike as you do the same things with the same people over and over again, but with the right people, even the monotony can be interesting or one such routine outing with one person could in theory lead to a host of new experiences, friends, and/or love interests. And when you do meet someone with whom you know you are in love after getting to know them, it is my sincere hope that any lingering feelings of homophobia you still feel are cleared up. I do understand the feeling. It's why I didn't come out to my family until I was 30 despite having told a few friends years before. I'm the first to tell you that whatever your everyday, garden variety bisexual man looks and acts like, I'm not him. I'm me. I know I'm bisexual despite not having had sex with both a man and a woman. I know I'm bisexual despite not having at least one Bi Pride everything. I know I am, and that's all the legitimacy I need.
     
    #2 Necrose, Dec 8, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2017
  3. Lin1

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    What about not labeling yourself and just going with the flow? You are afraid to be bi but also afraid to be limited. Labels limit you so why not skip them? Call yourself queer or any other umbrella term or simply skip giving your sexuality a name altogether and just be you!

    Date who you want to date, do what you want to do, wear what you want to wear, without label, not to fit in, just because you want to.
     
  4. Lexa

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    I agree with Linning. I just wear what I like. I don't care what people think concerning my sexual orientation based on the way I look. At first I needed to label myself, and I still do label myself but not because I need it myself. I'm even thinking about not using the label anymore as Linning suggested. In my opinion loving someone, being with someone, it should mainly be about behaviour, and less about identity.
     
  5. Tre

    Tre
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    I tried going label-free. I just notice I get pushed into the bisexual category and pressured to date guys. People don't like that I don't want to date guys.
     
  6. Lin1

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    I would tell people who push me to date guys to back off and explain that while I appreciate their concern I will date whoever I want whenever I feel like it and that I, for now, don't feel like dating guys.
     
  7. fadedstar

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    The latter issue sounds like 'impostor syndrome.'
    In short: Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud".

    It's a fairly general term which applies to lots of identities and situations not just just the lgbt+ ones but I'm wondering if it might be rife in "the community?" I don't see it being discussed much. In my own case I imagine myself going to a gay venue or something like that and someone tapping me on the shoulder and saying "excuse me, you don't belong here and need to leave." How likely that is I don't know since I've never tried.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    #8 OnTheHighway, Dec 10, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2017
  9. Tre

    Tre
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  10. OnTheHighway

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  11. Soundofmusic

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    UGH same. This happens to me all the time.
    Wish I could help :frowning2: just commenting to say, you're not alone in this thought process!