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How did you meet your SO?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Canterpiece, Apr 22, 2022.

  1. Canterpiece

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    I live in rural middle of nowhere, so I don't think it's in the cards for me personally at the moment. Which is a shame because I'd like it to be. Dating apps have been disappointing, it's always a shame when I enjoy talking to someone and then she just stops after I ask her if she wants to meet up. Especially if they end up being a catfish, then it's even more disappointing. I do, at times, wonder if the only way to meet someone is to agree to hook-ups, but I don't really want that. The idea of acting physical with someone I don't really know doesn't appeal to me. Of course it's OK if that appeals to you. Some people just...have a safe energy to them that I can't quite explain. It's nice when I find that. When you feel like you can relax and are drawn to them.

    Really I know I should let go of the idea of searching for a long-term situation, that I should be more spontaneous, but it can be difficult to not overthink it all. Such as wondering how I'll know if I like a person or if I just want to be with them for the sake of having a girlfriend. I sort of wish it was more common place to kiss strangers without the added expectation that you'll hook-up. You know? It would just be nice to kiss someone without jumping to sex. I wouldn't consider myself asexual, but physical contact is a big deal for me. Consider it immature, but that's just how it is. I'm an easily flustered mess who feels behind.

    With all that said, how did you meet your SO?
     
  2. TinyWerewolf

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    I met my recent exgirlfriend in real life before we really started dating. A mutual friend introduced us. It went awry in the end but I was really in love with her. I refuse to try dating apps, being who I am I think I'd get harassed. There are plenty of ways to meet new people, you might have to go to the nearest city for some of those though. So my best suggestion is ask friends if they know any single women who are into women (if that won't endanger you/ you're out to them).
     
  3. Aspen

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    A lot of luck.

    We met when we were fifteen, on an online forum for a mutual hobby. I also lived in the rural middle of nowhere and I can't remember when exactly we found out that our hometowns were only about an hour apart. We stayed in touch off-and-on until we were twenty, when we started talking for hours almost every day. One day, she confessed that she had feelings for me and I felt the same. We didn't even meet in person until six months in because our universities were a solid eight-hour drive apart.

    The real irony is that, a few months before we started dating, I'd basically decided that I wasn't going to try dating again until after graduation because I couldn't see anything working out past that, especially because I had big grad school plans.
     
  4. rainbow96

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    At a gay club through a mutual friend. (I met the friend through online dating, but she was toxic, so I just kept her as a friend.)
    Her ex girlfriend had a best friend and that best friend became my wife.
     
  5. Canterpiece

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    I am out to them, so asking is an option...not sure how I'd bring that up in conversation though.
     
  6. BlueMonday

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  7. PatrickUK

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    Online. It wasn't through a dating forum, as such, although I did meet previous boyfriends that way with varying degrees of success.

    When it comes to dating for LGBT+ people, I would say it's important to broaden our horizons. Unless we live in a big city with a vibrant LGBT scene, we're probably going to need to put in some effort and travel a bit. The chances of meeting your SO a few blocks away is unlikely. You may connect with local people on apps for a hook up, but don't expect it to result in romance.

    If you are using websites or apps for setting up dates you need to be prepared play the game. You may have a few hits, but you will have plenty of misses along the way and that's just how it goes.
     
  8. rainbow96

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    Agreed!
     
  9. TinyWerewolf

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    I'm trying to think of ways to slide that into casual conversation but haven't thought of much yet...
     
  10. Yeahyeah2

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    I met my boyfriend on Discord. We were in the same server and on general discussions we started responding each other then we started talking on DM's. After that we started being really good friends and we talked about a lot of things everyday. Then we decided we could meet in real life (he lives in another city). We met and had a really good time, it was awesome meeting him as we were getting along very well. Of course we continued as friends since we did not like each other like that (I did a bit but I reminded myself we were friends and that was more important so I got rid of those ideas).

    The second time I visited, I stayed longer and we had a really good time as well. Although this time we were hugging a lot. We watched movies while hugging each other. At one point we were very close to each other and I thought about kissing him but then I got rid of that thought and got very nervous that my hand started shaking so I got up and it was too late since I had tears in my eyes already. I apologized and tried to explain what I was thinking but that I was scared that I was running something. He told me everything was fine and that I didn't ruin anything. After a talk on how we both rather be friends for a long time we were normal as always.

    So here we are now, after a few months of that last visit, we are boyfriends now. He told me on the phone few weeks ago that he couldn't hide it anymore and that he was in love with me and that he liked me like that. We talked and now we are boyfriends.

    I thought it was a bit unreal since I liked him before but tried not to and he said he liked me as well. That time I thought of kissing him, he said that he most likely would've kiss me as well and that he did want to kiss me.

    I am happy that we both were in the same page but we were afraid of losing each other if we said so.
     
  11. Xochipilli

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    Aww man. Sorry you’ve been having a crappy time finding someone out in your area. It was easier for me since I live near the city, but I was in a similar boat in that I was looking exclusively for a long-term (and monogamous) relationship. Not willing to budge on that. Initially I wanted to meet someone the old-fashioned way (by physically getting out there) and then realized I don’t actually go anywhere. I ended up finding my boyfriend on a dating app.
     
  12. Constellation

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    My husband and I met at the beach. He's 10 years younger than me and we have an open marriage. We both have to approve, but both of us have similar judgements.
     
  13. Canterpiece

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    It's a shame that I live with my parents and have to make up excuses if I want to travel to go on dates. For example, making up that I'm going to see a friend and that we're doing (activity). Then further lying when I get back when asked about how (activity) went. I'm out to my parents but would frankly rather fake my own death then tell them I'm on apps and going on dates (not that I currently am, but if I were to do so). I don't want to do hook-ups. Near everyone seems to want that, but I don't. Hooking up majorly complicates things. It means getting tested and I can't travel to the doctor without questions from my parents. Heck I don't even know what the procedure is to even have that conversation and find a clinic. Frankly sex sounds terrifying and anxiety inducing. I sure ain't ready for that.

    Then there's the factor of would I freak out with someone I don't know that well making physical contact with me? Potentially. I've made significant strides in overcoming my touch aversion but I don't think I'm at the point where I'm comfortable enough to do that. Kissing and hand-holding I would be open to but anything more than that just riddles my stomach with panic. I know that I'm going to be viewed as naïve. However, I don't want to freak out in front of someone and embarrass myself. Yet I do want to date. I feel as though I am ready to do so. To go on dates and meet new people. Admittedly, I know about misses. I've had a fair few of them myself. Where we've planned everything to a T and the day arrives to meet up...only for it to fizzle into radio silence and to never be followed up with an explanation.

    Sure, I have to play the game, but am I ever going to be ready to play it? What does playing the game even mean in terms of apps? To not get my hopes up when asked out on a date because chances are they'll turn around and introduce me to an exceptionally loud silence? Sorry, I know I'm being cynical and ranting here, but it's difficult to not feel a little bitter. I know no one owes me anything. Still, I have to wonder if it'll ever work out. I've been trying with these apps for a couple years (on and off). Perhaps if I stay over at a friends for a couple of days in the city it wouldn't be so bad if a date is a no-show, but then I'd need an explanation for staying over. I feel so restricted, I hate it. There's probably no answer to this, I just needed to rant. Sorry.
     
    #13 Canterpiece, May 13, 2022 at 3:40 PM
    Last edited: May 13, 2022 at 3:43 PM
  14. TinyWerewolf

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    I can understand not wanting your parents to know your sex life or any details of it, but why do you want to hide the fact you're going on dates from them since you're out to them? Dating in secret is meticulous planning and a lot of lying, so if you're out I don't understand why you're making things harder on yourself.
     
  15. bambibat

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    @Canterpiece I can relate to a lot of your feelings tbh!

    I’ve sadly never been on a date, though I can understand the hesitancy around telling your parents about it. I don’t know if I’d be able to admit it to mine either and I’ve been out to them for more or less six years. I’ve also tried on and off with dating apps but it never goes successfully. I swear it’s so hard to find women who aren’t just looking for hookups, or a “third” to join their couple. There have been two I had some inkling of a connection with but both ended up airing me out of nowhere. The last one even indirectly suggested what sounded like a date (saying she and I should meet at a botanical garden we both happened to know “sometime”). And it did kind of make me a little bitter when she stopped talking to me, even though she had every right to do so. I think I’d rather try my luck with the old fashioned method of meeting people now, even though it has its difficulties.

    I suppose we just have to keep our hopes up. I try to have faith when others tell me I might find something when I’m least expecting it, because it’s always a possibility.
     
  16. Canterpiece

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    Frankly it baffles me that some people have the type of relationship with their parents where they'd openly tell them about dates. My sister didn't even tell them she had boyfriend until they were definitely sure they were dating and even then she was a little hesitant. I find it awkward, I don't want them to make a big deal out of it only for it to not work out. Personally I view my parents more as mentors and I'm more likely to talk about emotions with my friends. Don't get me wrong, I have a good relationship with my parents, but maybe it's cultural? I don't know. Coming out was awkward enough. Thankfully they're accepting.
     
    #16 Canterpiece, May 13, 2022 at 4:54 PM
    Last edited: May 13, 2022 at 4:56 PM
  17. Canterpiece

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    Just to clarify, neither have I. My initial point was that if I were to go on dates, I would likely not tell them.
     
  18. bambibat

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    oh, I see! well regardless I can totally get that
     
  19. TinyWerewolf

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    Oh ok, gotcha. Sounds like you have the opposite of my parents lol. If you asked them to not make a big deal out of it would they listen?
     
  20. Canterpiece

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    I think they'd make a big deal out of the apps part. Which is understandable, safety and all. So if I were to mention a date, I'd definitely leave that part out, otherwise I'd have my parents trying to get me to delete them and freaking out. I'd have to deal with a whole lecture. However, if I worked in an angle of 'I know them because X' then it wouldn't be so bad. I know them through (friend) or I met them at (event). As much as I complain, I'm a fairly decent liar. The key is consistency. I'll have an easier time justifying travel costs to myself once I'm employed. Train fares and such. Hopefully the job hunt won't be much longer.

    Still, irregular one-off type journeys are fairly easy to explain. It's when such journeys potentially become more regular it's trickier. Unsuccessful dates would be easier to pull off than ones that could potentially lead to a follow up event. Ideally, if I met someone at Pride or another event that I could go to with my friends, then I don't think it'd be too bad explaining that, as long as I knew enough information about the person and had a safety plan / escape route to put my parents' minds at ease. They worry a lot. I appreciate their concern but it can make things tricky. Where there's a will, there's a way I suppose.