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How did you know you were NOT attracted to the opposite sex?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Mifora, Oct 25, 2016.

  1. Mifora

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    It might be a strange question, but from what I can read on this site, a lot of people have been confused about their opposite sex-experiences and whether or not they felt REAL attraction at the time. For the people who turned out to be gay, how did you know that your past attractions were "fake"?

    I feel like all the evidence points to me being bi, but for some reason I am still confused about it. I have accepted my attraction to women, but I am confused about past and present feelings for the opposite sex. I am in a straight relationship, I enjoy the sex, I have had a lot of straight fantasies and still have them, especially about a male coworker, so I feel like there is no way I can be 100 percent gay. But on the other hand my attraction towards women is much more immediate and visual, and it feels stronger right now even though I don't have a crush on someone specific. I am confused about the stories about gay people who used to be turned on by straight sex, but lost all interest once they started dating people of the same gender.

    I love my partner, I don't want to hurt him, I think he is an amazing person and I really want our relationship to work out. But I am so conflicted about everything right now. I feel like I want to experience being with a woman, but I also generally miss the feeling of going on a first date, kissing someone for the first time and so on. It makes me feel really guilty, but I can't stop feeling that way, and now I worry that I am trying to convince myself that I am a lesbian because it would be an excuse to end the relationship. If we were just dating I would tell him that I needed a break to sort this out. But we have a child together, so this is super complicated.

    I know I have been posting a lot lately, but it always helps to get new perspectives. I would be so grateful if anyone wants to reply.
     
  2. stretching

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    For me the knowing what I'm not attracted to is the easy part... when I think about looking at or touching a man's uniquely male parts it makes me really uncomfortable, I don't want to think about it at all. Throughout my life I've had lots of straight sex, and I'm not saying it was always horrible, but I never got off on it completely. At this point in my life I have no desire for physical intimacy with a man and have to put out a huge effort if I'm going to be even remotely intimate with my husband.
     
  3. Creativemind

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    For me, it was because I find penises and heterosexual sex to be physically repulsive. I was attracted to some girly boys as a teenager, but once I realized sex involved "penis goes in vagina", my reaction was "Eww!" and "Do I have to do that??"

    Also, I have never had heterosexual fantasies.

    I also realize that other lesbians might not feel this way, so don't think this as an automatic indicator. I feel like I relate more to how straight men know they're straight (they find gay sex repulsive). I'm a 6 on the kinsey scale, while others are closer to a 5.

    It's also possible you might be a bisexual that leans more toward women. Your experiences are closer to most bisexual experiences that I read, they enjoy straight sex, they have straight fantasies, but they still feel desires to be in a relationship or sex with a woman as well. Most lesbians I know don't have any sexual fantasies toward men, and don't enjoy sex with men except for in a way that they tolerate it to make the partner happy, etc. Or they might convince themselves they like it but find out that only women will do it with experience. I assume it is similar to how asexuals compromise sex with a partner.
     
    #3 Creativemind, Oct 25, 2016
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  4. Mifora

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    Thanks! I realize that I am probably bisexual, but for some reason I have a hard time accepting it. It might be because I used to think that bisexuality didn't exist, and it might be because I am scared that I will never be fulfilled by one partner. Some gay people say that they used to fantasize about the opposite gender and enjoy straight sex before they figured out their true orientation - that is the only reason I am not 100 percent sure I am bisexual.
     
  5. Creativemind

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    Bisexuality definitely exists, but there are a lot of biphobic beliefs out there that can make many bi people doubt their sexuality. It is unfortunate.

    As for not being satisfied with one partner, that depends on the person, and it can be hard to tell what you feel personally without experience. Some bisexuals need to stay within poly relationships, while others are fine with being monogamous and don't want more than one partner.

    I feel like a lot of gay people enjoy straight sex simply because the parts work and they don't know what they're missing, especially if they were pressured into a straight relationship. There's a lot of pressure to be heterosexual in this society, and sometimes we try to convince ourselves to fit in. Imagine being fed a specific food that isn't so great, but your parents force you to eat it your whole life. You might think It's good and have interest in it since It's all your parents will allow you to eat. But as you reach adulthood and start cooking for yourself, you realize that food was not so great after all and there are far better options for a dinner.
     
    #5 Creativemind, Oct 25, 2016
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  6. Mifora

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    Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. In your experience, does it generally feel like something is missing if you are a gay person having straight sex, or do you just enjoy yourself and feel good about it until you realize everything could be so much better. I know it all depends on the person and the situation.
     
  7. Creativemind

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    I've never actually had straight sex (or even sex with a woman), so I can't be much help answering your question.

    However, I did have a short term boyfriend at one point, although we didn't really get physical (I was 14). I felt like I loved him at the time, but whenever he talked about sex, I would feel weird/grossed out/turned-off. I thought I was just being a typical young person who wasn't ready for sex, but it occurred to me later that women talking about sex never gave me the same reaction.

    The romantic attraction part was the most confusing....It's confusing to think you might love a guy when It's really just friendship in the long run, so I assume that other lesbians who sleep with men might feel the same about the sex confusion.

    I actually have an aversion toward being penetrated (a strong disgust toward it), that if I slept with a man, I'd probably just be "traumatized" and know right away. That's probably why I knew I was gay so early, the extreme aversion toward straight sex mechanics. Other lesbians aren't as lucky, but maybe they like the feeling of straight sex more than I would.
     
    #7 Creativemind, Oct 25, 2016
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  8. guitar

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    It's really tough to say because I had tried to date girls for years and something just always felt off. But I wanted so badly to fit in and be like all of my friends who were dating girls. I pushed down gay feelings down inside of me for most of my teen years. In my early 20s I finally kissed a guy and I just felt so "right." That was when I knew 100%.
     
    #8 guitar, Oct 25, 2016
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  9. Mifora

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    Thanks again! It must feel good to be so certain of your orientation. I feel like I am more attracted to women's bodies, but the thought of "the mechanics of straight sex" has always been a turn on to me, probably more than most things I could do with a woman. But I like the thought of both. I guess I am just attracted to different genders in different ways and overthinking it.
     
  10. Jax12

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    As soon as I realized I was attracted to the same sex, and met up with other guys, it pretty much told me that I was into men not women. Both could not compare, and it certainly felt more natural to be with a man than a woman.
     
  11. Jolly Hermione

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    I think I'm attracted to both sexes; however, I'm surely NOT attracted to a specific male body part :wink:
     
  12. pinkpanther

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    I don't feel the attraction toward girls.
    I've never become infatuated with a girl.
    I've never "stalked" any girl on the Internet.
    I've never gotten butterflies in my stomach from kissing a girl.
    I almost never get sexual phantasies about girls.

    However I can get sexually aroused around a girl if she starts touching me and stuff, but I think that's more of a physiological rather than a psychological response.
     
  13. SHACH

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    I feel similarly about guys, although I used to fantasise about them till I gave myself another choice. I am beginning to conclude I'd much rather be with a girl but I find it odd that guys sometimes get me aroused physically like you mentioned about girls in your case.

    Since I did previously have interest in guys I imagine I may in fact be a bisexual with a preference for women. The idea that I should remain open to men because of that is stressing me out though. So Im finding this thread quite interesting. I started to question whether I really liked guys after the second kiss I had with a guy. Which made me just sorta disgusted and want to hide under a rock, the first one having been just as bad but I reacted less dramatically to it.
     
  14. BookWriter1994

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    I never once thought of my male crushes sexually attractive. NOT ONCE! and I do find that having sex with a guy gross to me and I honestly do not like the image of a penis..

    I don't really remember having any sexual dreams about men.. But, recently they have been about women though most of the time, its not sexual.

    I actually tried a few times picturing myself having sex with a guy and I really can't? and that was before I knew that I liked girls.. It just gives me the creeps.

    I don't find men sexually attractive. But I do find them romantically attractive. Though my main preference is for females and I wanna marry a female and have babies and stuff.
     
  15. Shasta

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    I have always liked girls, but would represse those feelings. As child I had small crushes on actresses and teachers. When I turned 17 I met this girl who I was really into, but she wasn't into me. I tried to like men, but I have always felt more comfortable around girls. I would get people who ask me I'm into girls and I would deny it. Then I met this woman supposedly straight according to her Fb profile and for some reason she really makes me question myself. Trying realty hard to get over this person. Focusing on the fact that she's too old for me and probably not that nice of a person and is intimidating. For someone she seems determined on cracking my shell and getting me to explaining things to her. I'm glad she's a friend hours away. Trying to throw myself into my school work and working on landing an internship. Trying meet new people and move on. I guess she's here to say But it will run its course and I will move on.
     
  16. ladykiki

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    I had to be drunk to kiss guys, I just wasn't interested otherwise. I used to date guys and ignore their texts and calls when they tried to get hold of me. I thought I was dead inside because I couldn't understand the fuss over Mark Owen or any of the Backstreet Boys.

    It never occurred to me that I was gay though, not even my infatuation with Sigourney Weaver or Gillian Anderson gave it away...
     
  17. Anthemic

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    I grew up having crushes on boys (and even a male teacher). I now realize that I have had crushes on my female teachers and other girls because I would daydream about them; I hardly ever daydreamed about my male crushes. I think I had crushes on males because I thought I was supposed to. I had my first serious relationship when I was 13, with a boy my age. I know that is very young to be in a serious relationship. But our hormones were raging and we rode the same bus, and we even lived about 2 miles from each other. We saw each other all the time and went as far as "3rd base" sexually. I always wondered why I never saw the rumored "fireworks" when kissing him. I know that I enjoyed kissing him and being sexual, but it was never really breathtaking. We broke up after dating for 9 months because he was extremely immature (he didn't care about his grades). Even at such a young age, I was able to see that his lack of responsibility for his schoolwork was a bad sign of more possible immature decisions and possibilities in our future. So, I dumped him. I did regret it for about a month, but I got over him pretty quickly.

    When I was 14, (a freshman in high school) I met a girl (Kathryn) who was almost 3 years older than me. We became friends instantly, but I noticed that she was extremely touchy and affectionate with me, which I always wondered about. I realized I was bisexual before I met her, because I had a crush on another girl who was about 2 years older than me. I admitted my sexuality to Kathryn, and she admitted that she was bisexual, as well. I always wondered if she was, so it wasn't shocking. At this point, I did not have a crush on her because I had my eyes on another girl. But one night, while we were in the back seat of my mom's car, she said, "I think we feel a certain way about each other that is stronger than just friendship." I thought to myself, "We do?" But I accepted this because she was my friend, and I was extremely flattered by how she felt. I just went with it, even if I didn't know about how I felt. She eventually wrote me a note the next day in school and told me she liked me a lot. I realized that I was so flattered and excited, that I began to feel the same way. We got even closer and she even asked if she could kiss me soon. I was EXTREMELY shy and nervous about this, because I had no prior experience with females. The thought of even being kissed by a woman sent chills down my whole body, and it scared me. I wrote back saying that I needed time because I was too nervous. She was very understanding.

    Eventually, she became more and more desperate to kiss me. So one night she spent the night with me. While we were laying in my bed, she told me to lay next to her; I did. She pulled me closer to her and started rubbing my hair. By this time, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I felt light-headed. She then turned my face to her and kissed me on the lips gently several times. I was not kissing her back, but she knew it was because I was so nervous. She then slid her tongue into my mouth, and I knew at this point that I had no choice but to give in because, I mean... Her tongue was in my mouth, lol.

    We made out for hours. When I finally gave in to her kissing, I saw the "fireworks". I know that it was just my blood pressure shooting up from excitement, but it was a sure enough indicator that I liked women. We dry humped and made out all night, even until the sun came up. It was a magical night for me. That was the night I realized how much I liked for my butt to be touched. I felt so many waves of excitement throughout my whole body by the way she touched me.

    Unfortunately, the closer we got, the more aggressive she became. She tried forcing my legs open to fondle me down there. I never let her touch me there under my clothes; only above. She even went as far as trying to touch me there while I was asleep. I was just too nervous to be touched there because I wanted to take things slowly. She felt so rejected that she began seeing another girl. I was heartbroken. It took me two years to get over her. I finally got over her when I got my first girlfriend; I was 16 and my girlfriend was 24 (that's legal in AL). I then realized I felt little to nothing for men.
     
    #17 Anthemic, Oct 25, 2016
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  18. Ryler

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    I was always confused about whether I was bi or actually gay. I originally came out as bi to my family, but knew deep down that I was being disingenuous. For me, I noticed that there was a difference between being attracted to someone versus thinking they are beautiful or pretty. Sure, I found women very beautiful, but I just could not find myself ever being in a relationship with them. But I used that as a mask to justify that "hey, I find some ladies to be pretty, so I must be bi and not fully gay."

    I was also never able to quickly be turned on by ladies as I was to guys. With guys, it was much easier and felt "right." I tried to force fantasies into my head with girls, but it always felt like a lot of work to be turned on by them. I've had dreams of both women and men in the past, which made me very happy because there was still a "chance" that I was maybe attracted to females. But in all honesty, that dream was probably forced into my psyche during my extreme denial phase. I just knew that emotionally and sexually, I can only see myself being with a guy. Being with a lady would only be a disservice to her because she deserves someone that loves her emotionally and sexually, not just as a friend. It is very confusing at first to come to terms with, but you can only figure yourself out through thorough introspection. Just remember that there is a difference between liking someone's presence in a platonic way versus being attracted to someone and falling head over heals for them.
     
    #18 Ryler, Oct 25, 2016
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  19. jenne

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    i don't know i just.. i never feel the need to be near a guy to touch him to look at him.. like i do with girls.. i never had a relationship with a guy because it never felt right to do it.. it didn't feel normal..
    i guess i'm an extreme case because some lesbians had relationships or just sex with guys before to try it or becase they hadn't realised their attraction to girls..which is perfectly normal but i couldn't even do that! it feels soo wrong haha
    i had crushes on male celebrities when i was younger though! i guess it was admiration..
     
    #19 jenne, Oct 25, 2016
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  20. Nils

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    I realized that my 1 single crush on a man wasn't a crush. It was, in fact, me hating him with a burning passion. It'd probably be wise to mention that I was 8 at this time, and had a crush on my BFF. Who was female. sigh

    I guess I sort of realize I wasn't attracted to the opposite sex when I started feeling attraction to the same sex. And I was like "Oh. That's what it feels like." I was convinced I was asexual until like 2 months ago LOL