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How did YOU know you were Lesbian/Bi?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jewel99, Aug 24, 2018.

  1. Jewel99

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    Hi all,
    Just wanting to hear your stories on how you came to the realisation that you maybe weren't %100 straight, or weren't straight at all. I'm currently questioning, or at least I think I am. I can't decipher the thoughts I'm my head and what they mean.
    I posted on here a while back, but to sum that last post up, I'm kinda lonely, don't have many friends, i don't get out often, I have been in one relationship with a guy that went on for a while but never went anywhere sexually (ie. we didn't get there!). I haven't been with a girl, but hey, don't knock it 'till you try it, am I right? (And I certainly wouldn't mind trying it if the opportunity arose) There was one girl I was friends with that I thought I liked, (always wanted to hang out with, a close friend who I found myself looking at in ways that I've never looked at guys before) and another girl who was an old friend I didn't hang out with anymore; but since I stopped hanging out with her and her group of friends, she came out as a lesbian and all of a sudden I felt drawn to her and found myself trying to be around her whenever I could. (But unfortunately I'm a person who acts 'out of fear of judgement', so I never really got to reconnect as much as I'd liked, as I feared her other friends,my old friends, would judge me for all of a sudden becoming friends with her again as soon as she announced she was a lesbian.)

    I don't know if I'm just wanting genuine friends or if I actually had a crush on these girls.
    And due to the whole 'fear of judgement' thing and lack of friends atm, I don't really have anyone to talk to. I think part of the problem is actually admitting to myself that I'm maybe not %100 straight.
    I don't know, basically I'm just really confused. Maybe hearing other people's stories of realisation will help me?!
    Thanks in advance :grin:
     
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  2. Jax12

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    Well since I was around 10 or 11, I noticed that I would look at guys a little... differently. I was also able to connect and converse with girls much easier than guys. In hindsight I didn’t know what this meant.

    I did not have any crushes and didn’t find my classmates attractive. In addition to being the only guy out of all (except 1) of my cousins, I just figured I was straight and that I would carry on my surname.

    It was basically a journey of self discovery. You’ll find that everyone’s realization is similar yet different in many ways. Chances are you won’t realize this over night, but overtime it’ll make sense.

    Cheers!
     
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  3. Loves books

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    I had crushes on girls my whole life but thought I just admired them. I can remember being 7 with a crush on an older girl. When I was 15 a retreat group came to my school and I had my first major crush. All the girls in my all girls school were crushing on one of the guys and I honestly didn't get it. He wasn't ugly but he did nothing for me, but one of the girls did. She was average looking but I loved her personality and I only knew her for that one day and would never see her again. Funnily enough it was in the church next door to our school when we were all spread out left alone to think when I had an epiphany. I was a Lesbian. Everyone was crying, they had told us that would probably happen. Our group leaders for the day (mine the girl I was crushing on) went around and prayed and talked to their group members and I pretended my tears were about a great uncle who had died the previous year.But I was kind of sad my brother hit puberty and was literally a stranger to me when we had been really close at kids. If they hadn't mentioned crying I wouldn't have cried I wasn't sad.Then I remembered my previous crushes and my current ones, my admiration for the girl on the football team I covertly stared at wasnt admiration. I was half worried God would strike me down because I had this realisation in a church of all places. We had been told ironically enough by the retreat team that it was okay to be gay as long as you didn't practice it. Everyone was whispering saying the exchange student who had asked about gays was probably gay but I said she was probably curious. I was head over heels for the exchange student. I kept the hair elastics I wore that day in a special place and I literally dreamed about her. I think back now and know it was crazy but I'm glad it happened. I didn't feel so bad about not having kissed a boy and knew why I didn't want to. There were a couple of times afterwards I thought I might be bi but they don't happen anymore.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey I don't think your story is that dissimilar to mine, I was never really interested that much in guys but the thought of it also didn't repulse me so I just assumed I was straight. I did however always yearn for the closeness of a best friend or at least that's what I thought. I came to the realisation I wasn't straight eventually when I was watching a program called sugar rush and decided I liked the lesbian story line a little more than the average straight girl does. It took me a while to get my head around it and accept that actually I liked girls. I guess when I look back now there were lots of clues but at the time I couldn't see them.
    I think you have to try not to over think it too much, which is I know much easier said than done. Maybe try getting up in the morning and saying to yourself today I'm going to be gay or bi or whichever and allow yourself to just see how that fits for the day. Maybe sit in a cafe and watch people go past and see who catches your eye more guys or girls.
     
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  5. BrainTrain

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    Hi Jewel, I can definitely relate to feeling lonely and not having many friends during this journey of transitioning sexuality. It's interesting, being in a state of fear about my sexuality actually makes me afraid of making genuine connections and relationships with other men. I think the underlying fear is that they'll get close and realize that I'm bisexual, then reject me for who I am. It's a really wild cycle, and sounds like you're going through something similar with your fear of judgement.

    I think I realized I wasn't 100% straight when I was 12 and had a sexual experience with another boy. But even before then, when I was really young I enjoyed experimenting with my body in different ways. I think over time that all gets pushed down for one reason or another.

    You know what I'd love? Genuine friends that accept me for who I am. It sounds like you're in a really intense period of feeling out your sexuality, so the line between attraction and wanting companionship might be a blurry mess. This is totally where I am as well. If you want to talk at all feel free to shoot me a PM. I wish I had some guidance or suggestions on how to move forward, but I think we're both in the same place.
     
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  6. notaprincess06

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    I never thought much about it and here where I am I rarely meet/see men or women who I find attractive because they're just not my type, especially in attitude(I don't like macho men or women who see themselves through a patriarchal eye)and I'm a bit introverted, I wasn't in a position to make a lot of friends and such growing up so I had few opportunities anyway. When I did get feelings, it happened to be for men and it was unrequited so I didn't get to learn much of anything from that about my sexuality. Whenever I had interest in a woman, whether someone I knew or a character on some tv show/movie, celeb, etc I would just assume it was admiration(after all, it is part of it if u think about it so it wasn't even entirely wrong) and didn't think much of it.

    Anyway, a couple of years ago I just became more aware of it and it was enough to start questioning it. Once I took that into consideration it started to become clear pretty fast that I am attracted to women too. I think society, especially as a woman, makes it a bit hard to realise you're bisexual in some cases because you already tick the straight box and women are socially allowed and it's even expected of them to be aware of and admire each other's looks and have a more intimate platonic relationship with other women. So depending on the people you meet, you can just be sort of oblivious to it til later on.

    Plus, bisexuality doesn't mean you like men and women evenly, you may have a preference for one gender or you may simply meet more people who are your type from one gender and fewer from the other, just by chance.
     
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  7. Jewel99

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    Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and share some words of support. Im kinda new to all of this so it's great that people are so willing share their stories, and it's great that spaces like this exist. Thank you again!
     
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  8. Airisofparis

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    I knew when i had my first crush. I wouldnt stop thinking about her and everything reminded me of her. When i saw her i got butterflies and struggled to talk around with her. After my first i assumed i was gay, as I never really had an attraction to boys, until my next crush came along and the same things happened to me. It was a little weird at first because at this point i was already out to everyone as gay, so i basically had to recome out. It was alot of 'you have a boyfriend? but arent you a lesbian?' People are fun.
     
  9. Love4Ever

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    Hmmm... Well I don't really know how to explain this. I saw this thread for a while now and kept thinking about responding, but I wasn't really sure if I had anything of value to offer or anything that would help you. But today I had a kind of epiphany and so I felt like I should respond. Basically it is all about how you feel. How do women, (in your case), make you feel? You may not feel exactly the same as you do towards boys. There are levels of attractions and something can be different and still equal. Or you may have a preference. It doesn't have to be equal. Have you ever looked at a woman or seen two women together and thought that you wanted that? What are your feelings towards men? The best way to know what's going on with you is to examine your own feelings. Trust them. They will tell you what to do, even if you might be too afraid at first to acknowledge them. Don't allow fear to inhibit you. Allow yourself to let your mind wander where it will and notice how you feel. I also would recommend just trying some lesbian type media. Watch a lesbian movie, or read a lesbian romance novel. Let your mind go to that place, a fictional place where there is no pressure and then notice what is going on. You can do this!
     
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  10. Love4Ever

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    Also I wanted to add I relate completely to being blindsided but this newfound attraction. I have not really "felt" bi for all that long and so I sometimes still doubt, question, wonder if my feelings are legit. I would be happy to talk with you further on my wall if you need someone to confide in.
     
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  11. BrainTrain

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    This is an awesome suggestion, love the idea of listening to your feelings and where your attractions lead you. There's this guy at work that I find attractive and find myself struggling to make eye contact with him. I'd guess you'd call that a type of nervousness. My first "man crush" perhaps? Then there's also women that are just absolutely beautiful to admire. Not just their looks alone, but how they seem to radiate this kind of energy. I find myself wanting them just as much.

    It seems like the more I accept my bisexuality, the more that I enjoy taking in the world around me. I never thought my sexuality would slowly blossom into a positive relationship with the world around me. Baby steps, it takes time.
     
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  12. Jewel99

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    Thanks for that:slight_smile:
    I think as someone said earlier the line between wanting friends and/or a partner is kinda blurred. Naturally, (given the structure of high school/ college friendship groups(generally gender based groups)) I find it easier and more comfortable to talk to and become friends with girls, and I generally enjoy spending time with them more than what I do the guys. with guys, it's a little more tense and...well it's hard to describe, like "was that a hint?" "Why does he want to talk about this topic?" "That eye contact he's making is a little suss" "whys he standing like that?" etc...basically my brain is scrambled in a textbook, teen-movie kinda way. I mean, by what I've written on here and what I think in my head, I'm bi: I just don't know why I struggle to accept that myself and question it. Probably just time will help me, thank you for your kind words.
    Ps I watch HEAPS of Tv shows that have or feature Gay, Lesbian, Bi ect characters. Orange Is the new black, the 100, Orphan Black, Brooklyn nine nine, and many more I can't remember but the funny thing is I watch all of them either with family or my mother...I'm kinda surprised she hasn't gathered enough suspicion to actually ask me about it yet
     
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  13. Jewel99

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    Thanks, that's nice of you to offer:slight_smile: I think I'm just going to chew on these thoughts for a while and see what happens. Feelings hey! Why do we have them! ;D
     
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  14. Love4Ever

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    This is funny because I watch shows like this with my mom as well and she has never asked either. She has looked over at me a few times though so who knows? She has also made some rather revealing comments.
     
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  15. Love4Ever

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    I really relate to this. As a girl who grew up boy crazy I'm a really natural flirt but in terms of being super comfortable with guys outside of that? I prefer to spend time with girls. I have actually found that even though I like hanging with guys in groups or for a little while one on one I have yet to meet a guy I wanted to devote my full attention to for more that an hour when it's just the two of us. I know that sounds terrible, but I tend to get bored with guys in terms of conversation fairly quickly,and I end up wondering where all the the women went? I'm just not able to have as many conversations with them. I hesitate to use the word homoromantic because I can be romantic with guys, but with women I'm like homoemotional, which isn't even a thing but I seem to exclusively be this way with women.
     
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  16. Hedwig242

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    Loving this thread. I've only recently accepted that I'm les/bi. I kept magazines feat. women for way longer than needed and then I started noticing lesbians in media like Sugar Rush and Rent and I was FOR it. I started getting little crushes on girls in secondary school but always pushed it aside. Then I started getting into lesbian porn and going on dating apps. AND STILL I was looking for a sign to tell me that I might be bi/les! It wasn't until I had a crush on a girl that went deeper than physical attraction that it hit home. It's scary how much the pressure of being straight stopped me from knowing and accepting that I was bi/les.
     
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  17. lookingup9

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    Gosh it's hard to even put it into words, I feel I could write a whole paper on this topic. Especially because it took me so long to really come to terms with it.

    Basically, everything people do when they have a "crush" on someone, I would feel that for various girls from 4th grade on through high school. Some examples - I would hear songs on the radio and the lyrics would be about a beautiful woman or a perfect girl and I would imagine the song was about my crush, instead of a guy singing it about me.The times when I would get to see my crush would be the best part of my day, whether this was in class or track practice or work, and if I didn't get to see her enough or she seemed too busy to talk to me, I would get way too frustrated, more than one would feel at just a friend. I would get genuinely excited to go to lab or work or whatever - even crappy stuff immediately became fun to me if it meant spending time with the girl I liked. My heart would start beating and I would always try to be funny and get the person to like me. Even if I knew she was straight and would never "like" me romantically, I just wanted to make her laugh and become friends.

    Seems painfully obvious this was same-sex attraction,:laughing: but when you've been raised to believe being gay is the wrong way to be, your mind will go to any lengths to convince yourself it can't be happening. I never thought in a million years I'd ever be gearing myself up to ask a girl out like I am right now:couple_ww:
     
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  18. silverhalo

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    Hey Sugar Rush is the program that gave me a heart stopping moment of 'OMG I think I'm attracted to girls'.
     
  19. nicolettek

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  20. Halley

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    I have personally identified with a whole lot of orientations. I always knew I was queer but I didn’t really know in what way, so I looked around.
    At first, I thought I was Bi. I mean I’d never actually had any sort of crushes before, but I guess I sorta liked girls? And I’d been with boys before? Sure, why not?
    Then, I thought I might be on the aro spectrum, because all the boys I had ever dated I’d been friends with at first and I hadn’t really had any feelings for them outside of platonic.
    Then I went back to bi and went on a vacation to Turkey. Now, when at the beach I’d look at the girls and think: “they’re hecka cute. I’m totally bi!” (Even though I only looked at the girls.)
    Then I met Zoe (my first ever real crush) and then suddenly, I was in a gay panic. (Keep in mind I had a boyfriend at the time.)
    After talking to her about two times, I went home to Norway and started identifying as pan. (I guess I just liked the term better?)
    I came out to one of my best friends first (because she is Bi, so I knew she’d handle it well.) And then later to my mom and my other friends. I broke up with my boyfriend and came out to him at the same time, and then came out to a couple other people I was (and am) good friends with.
    Then I came out to my dad. (Who I just said, “I like boys and girls, ok, byeeee” and promptly ran away.)
    I told two of the new girls in my squad. (One of them couldn’t remember the word “pan” and instead called it “ping-pong.)
    Now, suddenly, It’s the summer after I went to Turkey. It’s the summer of my second pride parade and I’m at a hut with 3 of my best friends.
    The whole summer I’ve been alone with my thoughts and have been suspecting I’m not really pan.
    We’re at the beach and suddenly a SWARM of teenage boys with abs show up. My friends all die of excitement and start discussing which one’s the hottest. I’m completely silent. I don’t really think anything of them.
    “Which one do you like?” Asks Karoline.
    “Ehhhhh...” I shrug.
    “You don’t like any of them?” She asks confused.
    “Ehhhh..”

    Later that evening we’re all in a shared bedroom and talk about the boys and the shock of me not liking any of them.
    “How could you not like ANY of them??” Asks Avi.
    “I don’t know.” I answer.
    “Yeah, are you a lesbian or something?” Karo asks jokingly.
    I Go completely silent.
    Then the shock ensued.
     
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