Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Moxely, Mar 20, 2021.
My history is very similar to yours.
I was married for almost 30 years when my wife became unable to have intimacy. This triggered an underlying desire that I had my whole life for same sex intimacy. I considered myself bi curious. TBH, I don't believe that bi curious is something a middle age man can be. My desires for same sex intimacy has lasted my entire life. It is not a curiosity. I've chatted with at least a dozen guys who have similar histories. Some, it turns out, are gay. A few are bisexual. But, I don't know of another middle age guy who tried it with a man and then decided it was not real.
I almost cheated on my wife with the excuse that I was "just needing to get this out of my system". I didn't and instead came out to her. I won't sugar coat how difficult this was. I was, physically, sick with worry and dread. I got some counseling to learn to deal with the anxiety it caused.
The short version of my story is that my wife accepted my sexuality, I joined the LGBT community as a member by attending Pride and gay parties and functions. After some time and a LOT of conversations with my wife, I now have a FWB who is part of the family. I would never have thought this would be how my life would end up.
All I can advise is to stay honest and don't cheat on your wife. I know I wouldn't be where I am now if I had gone that route. I also know that had my wife not supported my same sex needs by allowing me to be intimate with men, I would still be married to her and I could work through these desires with her support.
Best of luck man.
Your a good man. Thanks for your advice. Though I fantasize about it constantly I know I’m in a box. I’ve never cheated thus far and I don’t want to live with the guilt. I probably should avoid porn- it seems to fuel things for me. I suppose my intent is this post was in search of clarity. I can’t imagine my wife being open as yours. And what would be the point to take such risks if I didn’t know for sure that I was bisexual. I don’t really know that I’d feel those feelings with a flesh and blood man. Are dreams a barometer. I suppose there’s no test I can take to tell me.
I'm not sure that there is a possibility to have the clarity you seek since sexuality is unique. But, here's what I know about myself. When I was a young man I fantasized about both guys and girls. I would visualize the sex with a female because it made sense to my uneducated mind and it turned me on. But, I would also yearn for another guy in a way that I could only describe as hunger. I did not have access to porn really. And, gay porn not at all.
Others have advised you to leave the porn for a bit. I would say that is good advice. I assume since you and your wife are not intimate, that you have a fantasy life. When you fantasize is it m2m sex a lot of the time? This is, probably, the most important determinant. The other thing that made me decide I knew I was bisexual was how I felt about another guy I would see out in regular life doing something I saw as sexy. For me, this was when a young guy would lift his shirt a bit and rub his flat stomach a bit. Sometimes it would be hard to look away. It wasn't that I wanted to have sex with him. It was just that I was very desirous of him. Do you ever feel something similar?
Between when I came out to my wife and when I started having m2m intimacy, my wife and I did some role playing. Not so much like a strap on sorta thing (because sexual fulfillment for me is not about the mechanics of sex) but, more like we would guy watch together. This fulfilled my need for validation of my desires and allowed them to be OK. I know I could go back to that at this point in my life and be OK.
Thanks! Ill avoid the porn for a while and listen to my heart more. I think, i haven't had any incidents like the one you describe as of late. With COVID I haven't gotten out all that much. Ive had recurrent fantasies about gay men Ive known earlier in my life. Generally when in the street I find myself responding to women more. It seems that with men the standards are just higher. Interestingly, as far as "porn" goes I mostly look at naked still images of men and that really turns me on. I've avoided hardcore pornography. I'm not sure if that's relevant.
I don't know if you told us how old you are?
Often, there is a re-awakening of same sex attractions in men when we are 50 ish. It may be a combination of many things and I'm sure it varies from person to person. For me, the trigger was that on top of my wife losing her sexual desires, I also had a pretty serious back injury skiing. I was always a strong, youthful appearing man...for my age. I went from this to someone who could barely walk for a period of time. I became aware of my mortality. This prompted an urgency to explore my same sex desires.
I've talked with other guys who have gone through "mid-life" changes...kids leaving the house, losing a high profile job, changes in our physical relationships with our wives. Something stimulates us to re-examine our lives and along with that our sexual desires. The thing is...often these desires are much stronger than when we were younger. And, to a person, the desires don't seem to go away.
Of course, no two people are the same. I can only go by what you've written so far. But, I would say that a robust same sex fantasy life that includes men you knew in your past is a pretty good indicator that you are not totally straight for sure. Honestly, it's not a bad thing because it is who you are.
I’m a youthful 59. That’s pretty much the same with me. Ive had periods where i questioned, but as I got older the feelings became more pervasive. My sex fantasies are mostly male to male, though i find women, overall, as I’ve said more alluring. I suppose there is this fear of acting on these impulses or of dying without ever having known/experienced.
So now the crux. What to do about it?
I have no idea.
1. Engaged this group a bunch. At the time there were several others of us going through the same thing. So, I had support.
2. I got into therapy.
3. I really worked on my relationship with my wife. Rekindled some romance. started touching more. Just connecting.
4. I got into good physical shape again. This helped me with my self esteem.
5. I accepted my sexuality. I decided that I’m a good guy and my sexuality was not an enemy.
6. I prioritized my life and what I wanted/needed going forward.
7. Finally, I came out to my wife because I needed her to help me navigate going forward. Because I decided engaging my sexuality was a priority.
This is a process. For me, it took a couple months. For others, it can take a lot longer. Some of us don’t come to the same conclusion or process.
When I came to this forum, my approach was to do battle with my sexuality. I wanted to defeat it. My theory was I could hook up with a guy and then say “didn’t like that, I won”. Pretty sure that doesn’t work for the vast majority of us!
Thanks so much. What you say makes a lot of sense. I’m not sure if I have issues accepting my sexuality at all. I imagine myself “hooking up” as well, as though that would solve everything. And the thing is circumstances make #7 impossible for me. She’s going through a lot of issues, and knowing her mindset, I can’t imagine a circumstance where could come clean. I couldn’t do it to her. Feeling alone.
I’m sorry that you are in that situation. I know that feeling of loneliness.
I think that what prevents many of us from coming out is this sense that we have betrayed our spouses. And, many of our spouses may very well feel the same way.
Only those of us who have lived this really understand what we go through. I don’t know a single person who got into where we are with intent. It just happens a little bit at a time.
Thanks for your kindness. I’ve had a good deal of sexual frustration in my life. You’d think I’d get used to it. I’d be happy with a small degree of physical affection at this point. Unfortunately she, partially because of arthritic type pain is not into it. There’s no one to blame. I think I’ve minimized the impact of a lack of intimacy on my psyche over the years. Anyway, your thoughtful comments have definitely resonated with me.
Physical intimacy is a basic human need. Many of us need this to be healthy. I would encourage you to discuss this need with your wife and maybe with a couples therapist.
There are other ways to express physical intimacy. Massage, touching, dancing etc. I know some of this may not be possible with your wife’s condition. But, it may be time to work on it with her.
You do need to let her know that the loss of intimacy is a difficulty for you. It’s only fair to both of you to understand what each of you is going through.
You don’t need to discuss your sexuality to do this. But, it is very difficult to maintain a real marriage without some intimacy.
Yes. I've broached the subject now and then. Sadly we always fall in default mode. Add to the mix children with special needs. Not that many opportunities for intimacy. But I will try again. Sadly she doesn't seem to care that much. But thanks for the thought- I mustn't give up on this relationship. I just wish I didn't feel like the clock was running out.
When I first started having fantasies of being with another male I obtain a dildo & lube if that didn't put me off the next step was finding myself a like minded male witch I did,
See the way I look at it is if you fantasies about it you have to participate in the act to witch your fantasies about otherwise how are you to ever know its what your truly want,
Watching porn will not help you feel any better about what you fantasies about, I fantasies about being female looking a pitchers of females dose me no favours just makes me more frustrated I'm not im
I get satisfaction in the same way. That's a part of it. Obviously moving beyond that is a huge problem. I sometimes just wonder how It would feel to touch or embrace a male. I'm not sure id need to go so far. I can't pay the price of destroying what I have.
If you enjoy anal stimulation is that an indication you are gay or bisexual?
No, plenty of straight men enjoy pegging. All it indicates is that you enjoy those nerves being stimulated. (and maybe that they have a bit less fear about their masculinity)
Agree with other posters. Enjoying anal stimulation is not owned by gay guys. Some of us enjoy anal stimulation but still find ourselves more often being the "top". That doesn't make me any less attracted to men, or less "gay". Being the receptive partner doesn't even, necessarily, mean that one is being submissive.
What makes one gay or bisexual is a lot deeper than just the act of sex. Just like straight guys aren’t just about intercourse with a woman.
For me, it’s when I see that guy that just pushes my buttons. I don’t want to, necessarily, have sex with him. I just want him in a hungry sort of way. That’s how I knew I wasn't straight with a kink or bicurious.
One stereotype is that gay or bi men are all about anal intercourse. I think this has done a lot of damage to gay men and to men in general. Gay men get defined by a sex act that is considered by society to be dirty or perverse. So, that allows us to be defined as dirty or perverse by some. And, straight guys miss out on a lot of fun by not exploring anal/prostate stimulation because they don't want to be defined as gay. Any of us who experience a prostate orgasm know this isn't just a dirty or perverse activity. And, a straight guy who experiences this knows it has nothing to do with being gay.