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How did you come to know definitively that you are bisexual as opposed to being bi - curious.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Moxely, Mar 20, 2021.

  1. Moxely

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    I’ve struggled with my sexuality at various times in my life. When I was young I probably never acted on it because of fear of AIDS. Traditional mores were also a factor. I am really not in a position to do anything now. I am married and sadly there is not much sex (not because of an aversion to women). At times a fever for men (more attractive than myself consumes me. Porn is a huge factor. But at the heart of it I want self awareness about who I am, sexually. Never having experienced it there’s no way for me to know definitively.
     
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  2. Kevins1197

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    Once I stopped lying to myself and admitted I’m attracted to other males and always have been made it easier to admit to my self that I’m bisexual.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    Porn like all media is a misrepresentation of reality and not something to really judge by. Also, I do not think that having actual experiences with people is necessary to know what one finds attractive.

    I am older than you and my journey of self acceptance was long and involved. I am not actually bisexual I am demisexual and panromantic. I think that a major factor for me was first accepting that I needed to live as my true self, after transition being in opposition to society in terms of orientation is pretty much a breeze. I spent quit a bit of time not wanting to be involved with anyone due to very poor treatment by "chasers". Having come to terms with that I came to understand that I do not want to be physically involved with anyone who I am not emotionally close to. I also know that I am far more attracted to women than to men but I am currently in an open relationship with a cis man.
     
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  4. Moxely

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    Should avoid porn? Is it relevant at all that straight porn doesn’t excite me?
     
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  5. QuietPeace

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    I do not think that you have to avoid porn though I do not watch it at all. Just do not assume that what you see in it has anything to do with reality or that it can in any way define your own sexuality. Many people watch porn that does not match their own sexual experiences, it all is designed to arouse.
     
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  6. Moxely

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    Thanks. It’s precisely why I can’t say I know definitively that I am bi. I might add that I dream a lot about opportunities I had with men that were not taken when I was younger. I sometimes wake up dreaming am having relations with men. I feel this sense of regret. I also know I don’t relate to gay culture and find women beautiful than men.
     
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  7. QuietPeace

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    What is "gay culture"? I myself find that I do not relate well to most people, though I think that is more about being neurologically atypical.

    Is it possible that your problem is more a dissatisfaction with your current relationship? All relationships go through ups and downs and it is normal for sexual activity to decline in long term relationships. I know many bisexuals who are very happy in monogamous relationships which means that they only get to be with one sex/gender. Being bi does not mean that one has to have sex with lots of people, it only means that the field from which a partner may be chosen is larger.

    If you are really unhappy in your current relationship why not try working on that issue. You could get couples therapy or you could try to open the relationship and explore with other people (this could give you the chance to experiment with men). Though HIV is still a very serious possibility and you would have to be very careful, always have safe sex. This would of course have to wait until after the emergency with the more recent (and lesser) pandemic is reduced. (I hate it when people refer to COVID as the only current pandemic).
     
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  8. Moxely

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    Thanks so much for your thoughts. Yes, not having a satisfying sexual relationship makes things worse. It’s a very difficult situation because my wife unfortunately has medical issues contributing to this. I’m not sure wether it’s possible to have vaginal sex. And she’s extremely conservative and not open to sexual experimentation. Also I desperately have a need to explore whether I’m genuinely bisexual or whether this is a fantasy sustained by porn or dissatisfaction with my sex life. I’m feeling very trapped and frankly horny. Would “knowing”, having real awareness about this, contribute to my sanity?
     
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  9. QuietPeace

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    I think that it is possible to know for sure without actually having the physical experience. I know that I am attracted to different people, I do not know how to express it otherwise.

    There is knowing that someone is attractive and there is being able to be sexually interested in such person. Ignoring reactions to porn, can you think about either sex and find them possibly sexually attractive, not just physically appealing. Anyone can look at attractive people and see that they are attractive, this is different from possibly being able to find them sexually appealing.

    Lynda Carter and Pam Dawber are both objectively attractive women. Even if a man were gay or a woman were straight they could see this and admit it. If however someone could think about them in more of a sexual way then that would indicate something about orientation.

    In the same way James Dean and Sean Connery are both very attractive men, one does not have to be oriented that way in order to acknowledge this. If however you can think about men and also feel something in a sexual way about them then it is an indication.

    If you do decide that you really are bisexual would you want to do something physical in real life about it or are you just trying to figure it out and then stay with the life that you have?
     
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  10. LilLady9

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    This is a great question. I think it's important to start with the difference between bi-curious and bisexual. The way I see it, is that someone who is bi-curious identifies as straight (or even homosexual) but shows some level of curiosity for a relationship or sexual activities with someone of the sex (same-sex for straight people and the opposite sex for gay people) they do not favor to see what it's like, which can lead to bisexuality.

    On the other hand, someone who is bisexual knows they have a romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior toward both females and males, whether or not they have had experiences.

    Although I said someone doesn't have to have experiences to know their bisexual, I do think having an experience can help someone know 100% for sure whether or not they're bisexual. However, I think it's different for everyone.

    Being a cisgender bisexual male myself, who prefers women quite a bit more than men, I think I would identify as bi-curious if it wasn't for the same-sex relationship I had, which I enjoyed very much and developed strong feelings for the guy. I think I would identify as bi-curious because I'm not very physically attracted to men. I have to developed an emotional attraction before I find a man physically attractive (for the most part). So, if it wasn't for my experience, which caused an extreme physical and romantic attraction, I wouldn't know for sure that I'm bisexual. If that makes sense...

    Keep in mind that bisexuality looks different for every bisexual. Some are attracted to both men and women somewhat equally, some prefer women, and some prefer men, with varying levels of degree. As for me, I'm about 80% attracted to women and 20% attracted to men.

    I hope this helps!
     
    #10 LilLady9, Mar 21, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2021
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  11. Moxely

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    It's an interesting point you make. I know I definitely respond to female beauty more than male beauty. But not always. I think the male sex organ is more erotic for me. than the female. Yesterday I was watching an old film, Wuthering Heights and frankly I felt a sense of attraction and eroticism to the Lawrence Olivier character. But its not simple. Ive had erotic dreams of a beautiful Asian man I once was close to. I didn’t dare come out to him for fear of rejection. My first sexual interaction was with a boy when i was young. I’ve had dreams of it going farther. The strange thing is that there were periods in my life where I felt very straight. And its a unfortunate note that all the men i dream about a young, Probably not in my league at all.

    As for your last question I would want to act on it if it weren’t for the risk. Ive got too much to loose. Ive dreamed about meeting an escort or masseuse as of late. Still, risky.
     
  12. Moxely

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    By your definition I probably am Bi, because I desperately want to experience these things. It goes beyond being curious. Its just that after working myself into a state I calm down and the feeling passes. Then i wonder if I am really feeling lust for a man’s body. I think, there is a lot of guilt surrounding this, from, A) betraying my wife and B) betraying some religious code. I guess if I knew I could get away with it - no problem. In the mean time i often torture myself. Just to lie with a man, touch one another- to answer my doubts one way or another.
     
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  13. QuietPeace

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    I am against people just going out and cheating (trying to "get away with it") as I have been cheated on. If you cannot get an agreement to open your relationship then I would say either stick with it wholly or get out of it in order to experiment.

    As far as the religious code, I fixed that one by rejecting religion. If you want to keep the religion then I guess you need to stick with the tenets of that religion, whatever it happens to be.

    As far as this
    I could never do that. I always hated casual sex and the danger with someone who does it professionally is very much multiplied. HIV is a real thing, is an affair worth your life? and your spouses?
     
    #13 QuietPeace, Mar 22, 2021
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  14. BiGemini87

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    Honestly, it wasn't an easy process. It took me a long time of questioning on and off to finally accept it. And even when I admitted it out loud, it took time to be okay with it.

    Your attraction overrules your sexual experiences. Not having had said experiences with men doesn't mean anything; how you feel about them is what counts, in the end. Porn might not be the best indicator, but I would argue it can be something of an indicator if you continue to seek out a very specific type. Fantasies are a lot more trustworthy in that regard, however, as long as they come naturally.
     
    #14 BiGemini87, Mar 22, 2021
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  15. Moxely

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    I’ve grappled with this for years, so I suppose “acting on this” falls under the realm of fantasy. But it’s hard to live like this, without sex.
     
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  16. Moxely

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    Thanks for your response. In my mind gay porn is a huge indication. But I suppose as QuietPeace says you can’t base it on that alone. It’s ridiculous but I wish there was a “test kit” to tell you. I want to put doubt behind me.
     
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  17. QuietPeace

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    I have gone without sex for more than 8 years two separate times in my adult life. For me living without sex is better than having sex with someone who does not care about me. This last time I was very careful to really check and see that the person who I am with now actually cares and it is very much worth it. Take your time, figure out what you really want. If you care about the person you are with now then keep it, if wanting something else is more important then you need to move on (assuming that an open relationship is not an option).
     
  18. Moxely

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    Thanks for standing for what’s right. The answer, on those terms is the status quo. I do care deeply about my wife. An open relationship is out of reach. I suppose I at the very least wanted the satisfaction of knowing. This “longing” is difficult to live with.
     
  19. SevnButton

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    Any Harry Potter fans out there? Wouldn't it be great to have a sorting hat for sexuality!? "Hmmm ... there's something here ... definitely not totally straight ... could be -- yes! Bi curious!! Next?"
     
  20. Moxely

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    Definitely curious!
     
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