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How did I get here?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Nov 29, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Hi there,

    I find myself getting to this point every once in a while where I wonder, how did my life get to this point, how did I end up here? I feel like I'm struggling sometimes to maintain some sort of anchor or compass to keep me feeling as if I can clearly see my way.

    I know this all sounds a little vague and melodramatic, so I'll give a little context. When I started this journey, about a year and some change ago, we were (and still are) living here far from my family and friends, far also from my (soon to be ex) husband's family as well. I didn't really feel I had any real friends here, and was quite isolated in general because I was working from home, doing the majority of the parenting...

    And everything just started blowing up, I knew I wasn't happy, I knew I had to look at the things in myself that I wasn't being honest to myself about, and so i came out to my husband...

    Now we're separating, we're telling our daughter after the holidays, moving to separate places in spring. And I can't help but feel a bit lost sometimes. I just feel like all these things about myself, who I am, how I see myself, is being completely shaken up.

    Through this journey, I got to a point where I felt really comfortable about understanding my orientation, but in that process all my gender questions came to the surface too. And the deeper I look at that, the more complex and murky everything feels. I suppose it's mnot an exaggeratuon to say I'm going through a huge identity crisis.

    I'm finding that my anchor is - first, my little girl (her needs, her sense of stability, the community we've built for her). And second, the community I've started building for myself. Honestly, it may sound weird, but the only place where I feel I'm on solid ground is the LGBT centre. It actually feels like a home in some sense to me. I run a group there now, I have keys to the building. I find myself in the kitchen washing dishes there on my group night, and I realise that's the closest I feel to a sense of "home" right now.

    I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm just voicing all of these internal feelings of insecurity (not insecurities of self, insecurity of a centre, a sense of solid ground).

    Can anyone relate?

    ---------- Post added 29th Nov 2016 at 06:57 PM ----------

    I should add:

    I do see that I've come a long way, I actually have made some really good true friends over this year (mostly in the LGBT community), I even feel I am able to be more real and vulnerable even outside of my orientation and gender identity... that has allowed me to feel greater confidence and have more fulfilling experiences. But this lost feeling keeps coming and going. And there's that part of my head that leans just for a minute sometimes toward staying with the familiarity of my marriage. But I know that this (leaving) is the path I need to take. Sometimes it's hard to remind myself of that. The familiarity tugs strongly at me sometimes....

    Sorry for rambling
     
  2. BrookeVL

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    You have certainly come a long way Barista! I have as well. As you know I went through a similar path with first coming to grips with my sexual orientation, which then brought up my gender questions. Questions I've had my whole life. Funny how that works, huh?

    I do often wonder how I got here. It's a bit surreal to think about.
     
  3. Landgirl

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    I can relate to all of this. I've found my local LGBT centre to be not much use in terms of social activities and companionship, but it's the members of my local gay women's walking group above all who provide me with my sense of "home".

    I also feel I've spent the last couple of years going through a massive identity crisis, with questions of sexuality leading on to questions of gender identity, but for the time being I'm concentrating on moving house (finally got my own place last week as opposed to renting) and trying to find a girlfriend, and just letting the gender identity evolve over time.

    And yes, the pull of the familiar is strong, especially since I've had to leave my son living with his father. This will be the first Christmas Day I will be spending without seeing them (we got together last Christmas Day to keep things familiar for our son, but it went very badly).

    It's very unsettling to be in a position of insecurity, especially when there is a sense that you have been totally responsible for putting yourself there. It is so easy to think "what have I done" and our natural instincts tell us to cling to what is familiar. Change and exploration are so much easier when you are starting from a position where you have a secure sense of self and of belonging and being loved. Doing it in order to acquire those things is very brave indeed.
     
  4. Linkmaste

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    I can almost relate this exactly. I'm still saving up to move out and I need to seperate from him but I have this hesitation to jump into the unknown.

    I geuss you know how that feels huh?

    I want to get more involved with my local lgbtq but it's difficult to find one for adults. Most of these are for teens.

    Don't worry. I get where you're coming from.
     
  5. looking for me

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    How did I get here, an eternal question. I guess we all follow our roads, with their potholes, and bumps and even total washouts. but we get there, hopefully in one piece and growing along the way. I've watched you navigate your path and watched you grow, your insight and self questioning have amazed me.

    (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Your doing fantastic! Your well on your way. Better late than never!
     
  7. baristajedi

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    You've certainly come a long way cluster!! The journey has a lot of ups and downs, doesn't it? How are you doing in terms of understanding your gender at this point?

    ---------- Post added 6th Dec 2016 at 01:10 AM ----------

     
  8. hexamum

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    You're doing fab!!

    I've not moved out of the marital home yet. Husband has stuck his head in the sand and is acting as if all is rosey!
    There have been a few blips over the past few months, where I've just wanted to hug him, hold him, tell him we'll sort it out and all will be good......but as soon as I've thought it, I shake my head and know it'd never work. He's a guy. End of.
    I also feel lost, and I guess it's just clinging onto the familiar cliff edge now and then.
    I very often think of the end game. Just to stay focussed on where I need to be. Xx
    Hugs.
    Right here for you x
     
  9. BrookeVL

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    It does have many ups and downs. I've been doing very well, actually. I know deep down that I'm a woman, and SHOULD have been born as such. I still find myself questioning sometimes if transitioning is even worth it, but I know in my heart that it is something I need to do, and it is totally worth it.
     
  10. baristajedi

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    Everything you're saying is so familiar to me! I have gone through all of those same feelings.

    I was thinking the same as you say - visualising my future, myself with a woman in the future, my daughter well adjusted and my ex having moved on. It's the only thing to keep me on the right path.

    ---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 01:52 AM ----------



    You're making such huge steps, I'm really proud of how far you've come (*hug*)
     
  11. BrookeVL

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    Thank you!(*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 08:30 PM ----------

    You are making very big steps yourself. I'm very proud of you Sam.