How can I not know I'm gay?

For me the signs were there all along. I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I just knew I was different. As a teen I was mad at God for making me a girl. In my 20s raising two kids took up time so I was figuring out being a mom. My 30s coming to terms with myself in that I am a women who likes to do guy things. (Hey neighbor, if you see me mowing the lawn, or working on my truck it is because I like to.) Now I am in my 40s and figured out my sexuality. I didnt feel comfortable in my own skin until over a year after I first came out. (Oct 23, 2016). Believe you me, lots of questioning. I am a much calmer and happier person. I have no doubt about my orientation though I have never been with a woman.

 

See, this is so interesting. Physically I'm into men a lot. A big part of my attraction to them is I like to look at them, but yeah when they get close I do get nervous and feel like running. I think it's because I've never had an intimate friendship or relationship of any kind with a man and even though physically the attraction is there, I struggle to connect with them and get over my nerves. Whenever I'm with a guy I'm torn between wanting to be with him, to have all those moments you see in the movies and feeling like I want to bolt because it's all so new and foreign. I feel like with another woman the playing field is more even. The idea of being with a woman doesn't scare me at all really. Okay that's kinda a lie, it does sometimes, but I do feel calmer overall with the idea. I feel like I would get her better, that she would get me and we'd be able better to make each other happy. I am less physically attracted to women in some ways though. I Love some things but am not crazy about others and I am pickier about the kinda woman I like. But still, if given the choice between the perfect woman in my mind, and the perfect man, who would I choose? I am not sure. Right now I'm feeling though that I maybe would choose the woman.

 

The other weird thing is with a woman I feel more comfortable relinquishing control. With a man I need to be the dominant one and with women I'm okay being more submissive. Ideally, I like to switch things up and be versatile but with women I'm more okay playing a more passive role.

 

So maybe that is tied to my ability to relax. I feel like I could let her drive so to speak and then feel comfortable switching it up.

 

You never know. You could think one thing, yet something else could feel natural. I’ve made it my mission in life to try as many things as possible. I didn’t like everything, but I’m glad for the experience.

 

True. I agree, you never know what you might like. I definitely plan to keep an open mind.

 

I understand where you are coming from, as I understand similarly the other posts here. I'm physically attracted to women, and sexually attracted to them too, when I can be bothered to make an effort to think about them in that way (unless they are very hot and/or very flirty, and then it's a different story). Aesthetically, I'm not actually that attracted to men, but sexually, very much so (gay porn has a lot to answer for!!!). I enjoy sex with both sexes, but think about sex almost exclusively with men. And I've had relationships with both sexes but feel overall more comfortable with women (probably homophobic-related in my sub-conscious thought processes). So I'm mostly homosexual, sexually...mostly hetero attracted, physically...and biromantic.
Who said sexuality actually had to make sense?

 

Yes! For me there is a difference between sexual attraction, and physical attraction, in addition to romantic attraction. I see people talk about romantic vs sexual a lot on here but most don't dissect it even further and also talk about a PHYSICAL element which is decidedly there for me. The physical to me is tied to aesthetic, though that can be separate to, but yeah for me, physically/aesthetically it's men, sexually I have no experience but I am pretty sure it's around 50/50 in terms of enjoyment leaning a little towards women and romantic is also 50/50 with a slight lean to women as well. So yeah my percentages are all over the place. I have to separate my attraction types to even make sense of it all!

 

And the above also doesn't take into account that a higher percentage of men that meet my PHYSICAL type. Which sucks because it means it's harder for me to find a woman that checks all my boxes even though on a mental level women are sooooo much easier.