1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How can I help my family member?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Wingtrust, May 30, 2022.

  1. Wingtrust

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi there.

    I'm reaching out on here as I have a situation I'm not quite sure how to deal with anymore.

    I have a younger sister who has confided in me an awful lot about her worries over sexuality and the implications for her relationship over the last few months.

    In short: she is in a heterosexual relationship but does not feel any sexual attraction to her boyfriend, and has started to have fantasies about being with a woman.

    Complicating this, is that she has had no experience - male or female, and reading between the lines likely not even with herself. The closest was with a female friend - with whom there were some clear romantic feelings developing and possibly more before she got cold feet. She had previously considered whether or not she might be asexual, but does not believe that she is.

    Recently she has alluded to having a disjunctive orientation where the affectional component is felt, but the sexual one is completely absent (she used the term "biromantic homosexual" on two occasions). She has expressed in the past a recognition that such a "split attraction" doesn't really exist, and I've said likewise I don't see it as credible.

    It would be one thing if all seemed well in the relationship. But she described her experience to me in recent months as one of "suffering", and filled with guilt and anxiety. She has twisted herself up into a neurotic mess over her sexuality and this relationship. She worries that in some sense she is denying her boyfriend something, and that she'll go through life not validating the "female" side of her sexuality. She has been clear she does not wish to cheat or have an open relationship. From what I can tell her boyfriend has been patient and not put pressure on, but he is not asexual and has expressed the completely reasonable desire for a sexual element to the relationship in the past.

    She said she had started going to therapy with a view to see if she could somehow "fix" her lack of attraction - work through it. Which obviously worried me as it sounded an awful lot like seeking conversion therapy.

    She has confided in me a lot and trusts my view. I want to be there to help. But I'm worried that anything I say the next time the subject inevitably comes up will be pulling at the thread that begins to unravel her relationship. A relationship she clearly values and has made clear she does not want to lose, even amongst all the angst. I do not get the impression she's looking for a backdoor out of it. I think she wants it to work but deep down recognises it's very much odds against.

    What is the best tact for me to take here? Has anyone here had a similar situation?

    Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.
     
  2. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,175
    Likes Received:
    2,348
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Wingtrust.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I make it a job of mine as a staff member to greet our new members, however, what I would normally write doesn't fit your situation. We do have a staff member who I think is much more capable than I am to give you helpful suggestions in this particular situation. His name is @Chip ( by placing the @ sign in front of his name he will be notified about this thread) I'm hoping that he can find some time in his busy schedule to help you with this. I will also drop him a note. I do hope that you can find a way to help your sister and I'm glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #2 quebec, May 30, 2022
    Last edited: May 30, 2022
  3. Wingtrust

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for the welcome and for reaching out. I appreciate it's not the most straightforward case. I have been reading other threads to see if there are similar situations, though. ~W
     
  4. PrettyBoyBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2015
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    186
    Location:
    NJ / USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello @Wingtrust, welcome to EC.

    I have a couple different impressions on your sister's situation:
    • You guys are in agreement that the "split attraction" doesn't really exist. I wouldn't be so sure honestly. I believe I've seen people write in about similar situations before.
    • It sounds like she may have a certain anxiety around sexuality, more generally, regardless of her specific circumstance. I think if she's working on that with (an open-minded) therapist, I think exploring the topic in an open-ended way can be a good thing.
    • As far as discussing the topic with her, I've read that there are 2 main ways of supporting people: either offering advice, or just simply listening to them. If you're worried about further disturbing the balance of her relationship, it might be better to opt for the latter. I think just the fact that she knows you're there for her can be a huge help, even if you don't have all the answers.
    You sound like a super-cool big brother!! I'm sure she is very lucky to have your support. And I hope you can get the support you're looking for on here as well. (There is also a Friends and Family forum that may have relevant support as well.)
     
  5. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey, Its so awesome that you sister feels she can confide in you and that you are doing so much research to try and help her. I am sure with you for support eventually she will figure things out whatever that looks like in the end.

    It is often the case that a non desire for sex if you can describe it as that is the first thing to show itself when someone is in a heterosexual relationship. Sexuality is a spectrum and very few of us sit completely at either end so either 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual, everything in between is a balance of both with people with equal attraction right in the middle. Often I think there are assumptions that if you are straight you are completely repulsed by the idea of sex with the same sex and if you are gay you are completely repulsed by the thought of sex with the same sex but I just dont think that is true. With this being the case I think it is common for someone to be in a relationship with the opposite sex which in most or all other aspects seems great but when it comes to sex there is just no desire or pull for it. To me it sounds like this is potentially what your sister is feeling.
    How long have they been in a relationship?

    I also noticed you have been a member of EC for a year, does this mean your sister has been confiding in you regarding this situation for that length of time?
     
  6. Wingtrust

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you for your thoughts, and I will check out that Friends and Family forum and read threads there.

    I think you may be right that there's a general anxiety around sexuality, and that's perhaps a confounding factor muddying the orientation part. But it seems to me that that anxiety is definitely expressed most strongly towards males. Perhaps a gentle nudge to raise this with her therapist or a general practitioner or even a trusted female friend would be appropriate here?

    For my part, I try to listen as much as I can. I don't tend to offer much in the way of direct advice just questions. But it's approaching territory where any sensical conversation probably can't avoid the issue of the relationship.

    On the "split attraction" thing, I'm open to reading stories. Are there people who have had a happy and fulfilling relationship like my sister's situation for years / decades? Is it really that attraction is chopped up and "split" or is that attraction simply isn't there? Is it genuinely possible to have romantic feelings for someone for whom there is zero sexual impetus? (Arguably here, even less than zero, as there is an outright repulsion to the idea which seems to have strengthened over time). But as much as I don't wish to suggest, even implicitly, that she end something that could be workable (which is, of course, why I'm seeking help here), I also don't want to be tacitly endorsing a form of denial - especially given she mentioned the idea of seeing the therapist with a view to "fixing" herself in some sense.

    Thank you. I'm also glad we have the kind of relationship that allows her to feel safe confiding in me.

    I'm in agreement that I don't think it's true that most people feel actively repulsed by the idea of sexual with the non-preferred sex. I've read about people who had passable if not particularly exhilarating opposite sex relations before realising they were gay. Here though, there is definitely an active repulsion towards male sex in particular. Perhaps that's a symptom of a more generalised sexual anxiety as suggested by @PrettyBoyBlue and a reflection of the fact she's presently in an opposite sex relationship... but I personally don't think it is just that.

    In any case, it leaves the situation as you describe it... a case of "mostly good but the sex". You say a lack of sexual desire is the "first" thing to show itself when in an opposite sex relationship... are there other typical signs for someone who may be gay that it's not just not the right fit?

    I think over three years at this point.

    Sort of. There have been here and there conversations about sexuality and relationships for at least two or three years now, sometimes as a small part of our amateur philosophising about the human condition lol. But they've steadily gone from more general to more specific and personal, particularly in the last few months. In retrospect, it's clear to see that bits and pieces were perhaps hinting at things that have been expressed more candidly relatively recently.

    It's not something we talk about every time we chat, of course.
     
  7. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sorry I read this the other day and then something happened and I logged off and then forgot I hadnt replied.

    Has your sister ever had any therapy about her avoidance of sex? It might not be something you have spoken about but I wonder whether she has always felt like that or whether it has been more recent. Is this the only long term relationship she has been in?

    I feel like I am asking more questions than giving suggestions.