I’ve been thinking about hormones. I have every physical marker of a man with high testosterone. I also have a powerful disgust response whenever I am aware of testosterone driven feelings (anger, threat, fear, defensiveness, etc). In those situations, I start off by hulking out for a second and then almost immediately turn my anger inward. At this point I shut down and isolate. It last as long as 3 or 4 days. I’m considering the possibility that my misery is tied to the experience of occupying a testosterone fueled body. While appearing feminine is a desire of mine, it’s not a desire I am capable of acting on because it would only benefit me. If there isn’t at least some collateral benefit for the people I love, I can’t do it. If my discomfort within my own mind and skin is indeed caused by a hormone balance that I’m psychologically incompatible with, then the benefits of hormone therapy don’t stop with me. If I can be the person I am when I’m not thinking about my gender, then everyone benefits. Has anyone here had any experience with hormone replacement? Does any of this sound familiar? I keep reading about peoples experiences. The internet wants to know all about peoples boobs and hips and facial feminization… I however am stuck at the “being sad stopped being a catastrophe” or “I was able to be present” stuff.
But that's not true, surely? If it would make you happier, wouldn't it make your close friends and colleagues happier in turn? The pursuit of happiness is not selfish in itself. How would you taking hormones impact negatively on anyone else?
It’s largely internalized transphobia, or perhaps anticipatory transphobia. I feel woefully unprepared for the questions and concerns mainly of my in-laws. Im scared of what it will mean for my wife’s relationship with them. Her mom has a gift for finding crisis where none is. Show her an actual crisis? You’d think the sun had exploded. I feel better about things with my wife. We had a good talk about her gender identity last night. She’s glad we’re exploring my gender identity because it’s given her space to give voice to her own. I’d always known there was something adorably boyish about her, but it was nice to hear her say that it’s a part of her that she values. Im feeling really together with her right now. She’s being very supportive. We have a shopping trip planned. We had a date night where we tried a fairly haphazard attempt at girl mode. It was fun, exciting, and proved that we need to watch YouTube before trying again. So we’re going to. I talked to her about hormones. She’s also onboard with exploring hormonal solutions to my depression. She’s also there for it if my appearance becomes more androgynous. She’s always liked guys who are prettier than handsome, and that’s me. Funny, getting fit and sober feminized my features a lot on its own, and that’s a big part of why I’m on this train. The better I care for myself, the more feminine I feel. No wonder my repression years were marked by making myself feel as bad as possible for as long as possible. It kept the woman who I am quiet and invisible. I am not stable right now, but I feel like I’m stabilizing. The pendulum swings are getting shorter, and the moments of clarity are clearer. There’s one thought that’s starting to emerge, a very new one. It’s so unfamiliar that I don’t know what to do with it yet. Right now I’m just enjoying the ability to finally believe myself when I say “I’m fucking amazing”
