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Hopeless

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Fattrash17, Feb 23, 2017.

  1. Fattrash17

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    Hi guys,

    I don't know where to post this and if I am even in the right forum but oh well. I wanna start of saying that I feel so hopeless and demoralised at the moment. Like, there are so many things and in all honesty I do feel like taking my own life.

    I just do not see the point in life, not now and not the future. I am from a Muslim family who are very very religious and as such are against LBGT. I really hate it and I just hate the fact that I am what they hate. I really do and I wish that I was straight. All I feel is alone and isolated, like there is no point going into tomorrow when this is the only thing that I'll feel. I have joined a forum for LGBT Muslims but they have stopped replying to my messages. I just feel like that there is no hope.

    I don't know what to do, I feel so lost and hopeless and isolated. I thought that finding a BF would be something to help me feel less like this but the more I think about it the more I realise 1) why should I bother when I won't even be able to bring him home and 2) who is gonna want to date the fat and ugly Muslim kid. I mean most guys who have BF's have like these perfect bodies and have large packages and just have the best situation to come out in. What makes it worse is that I can't stop myself from liking guys and feeling isolated and such.

    All I want to do is sleep and never wake. Why is that so much to ask for? Why does my god hate me so much to make me like this? I do what they ask me to do, I pray, I fast and other things and yet, I am made gay? Why me? Why put me where I will not be accepted.

    I just don't have the energy to carry on much anymore. I have been told to be more positive but I barley have the energy to carry on and see the light.

    Just why bother. I just feel damned to be amongst the living
     
  2. Geochick96

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    Please don't give up! I know life is hard and that at times it can really suck, but it does get better, find something, just one thing, it doesn't have to be important just one small thing and live for that, like feeding/ taking care of a pet or doing something simple that you have always wanted to do but never had the time, just please, please don't give up.
     
  3. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! You've got a bunch of inter-related things going on, so I'm going to sort of give you a brief overview rather than tackle everything in-depth. That can come later. :slight_smile:

    I really hate it and I just hate the fact that I am what they hate. I really do and I wish that I was straight.

    I realize how difficult this is for you, but do try to keep something in mind. Your problem isn't that you're gay. Your problem is that you're gay and you have a homophobic family. Their homophobia is the source of your conflict, not your sexuality. Your sexuality is what it is.

    I thought that finding a BF would be something to help me feel less like this...

    It's a common thought for somebody in your position, but it's actually rarely a good idea. Not because you're not worthy of a boyfriend or anything like that. But because you're still living with your parents, and you don't need the stress of trying to navigate your family and a boyfriend while you are. And also because your self-esteem is in shatters right now. This often leads to people desperately reaching out to somebody - anybody - which leads to some pretty dysfunctional and damaging relationships.

    So I'd hold off on trying to get a boyfriend right now. Sure, if you meet a guy, and you hit it off famously, and he and you think you can make a go of it, I'd be the last gargoyle to say no. But I think it's more important that you work on yourself first.

    who is gonna want to date the fat and ugly Muslim kid. I mean most guys who have BF's have like these perfect bodies and have large packages and just have the best situation to come out in...

    Being attractive, and being well-hung, and being rich are sort of like shortcuts. They enable some people to attract more folks right from the get-go. That doesn't mean the rest of us mortals are doomed to be single for the rest of our lives. Take a peek at the couples you see out on the street. Chances are, you'll see most of them aren't exceptionally attractive or rich. So how'd they do it? The slow way. They met people, they got to know them, something clicked with somebody, they pursued it. And in fact, most of the really stable relationships tend to go that route. The hot body might drag somebody in, but there better be a good personality under there if he wants that person to stay put. :slight_smile:

    What makes it worse is that I can't stop myself from liking guys and feeling isolated and such.

    And this is what we're here for. We're here to help you with those isolated feelings. Because we're all non-straight here, and we're all cool with everybody else being non-straight. Liking guys is awesome, so glad to have you aboard. :slight_smile:

    So here's my advice for the very start.

    * Interact a bit more here. Feel free to wander around, join in on some of the more frivolous threads if you'd like, ask questions if you have any. Get used to us. Get more comfortable. No, that won't solve all your problems, but you'll hopefully feel a little less alone.

    * If your depression gets so bad that you ARE seriously thinking of suicide, do get help. We can help with that if you need to.

    * The door's always open here. Post here if you'd like. If you'd rather talk more one-on-one, click on my name and post something on my wall.

    Hopefully, we can help start getting you to a better spot. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. Gravity

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    First, I want to echo some of what Lex said, because they're good point - first, that your sexuality isn't the problem, homophobia is. And second, while boyfriends are great, yes, they do add to stress as well (because it's a part of our life that needs attention), nor do they automatically fix things in our life. If you feel badly about the way you look, you'll still feel that way when you're dating someone, counter-intuitive as it may seem.

    As far as being Muslim, though, it might surprise you to know that there are several LGBT Muslim organizations throughout the world, including in countries such as the United States, Canada, the UK, and elsewhere. This might not change your situation with your family right now, but it's important to make yourself aware that you aren't alone. There are a lot of people out there just like you!

    Also, if you'd like to talk one on one, feel free to contact me or any member of staff via PM - we'd be happy to talk. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Fattrash17

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    That is the thing, I don't see it as getting better. More so I see it as getting worse and worse. For some it may but for me I don't see it as getting better. I don't really know what I would do, currently I don't have time for much since I am in full time education. I just feel so drained of energy.

    ---------- Post added 24th Feb 2017 at 10:59 AM ----------

    I realize how difficult this is for you, but do try to keep something in mind. Your problem isn't that you're gay. Your problem is that you're gay and you have a homophobic family. Their homophobia is the source of your conflict, not your sexuality. Your sexuality is what it is.

    I just hate it. It can get so uncomfortable when the homophobic jokes start getting thrown around. I just wanna be like every other kid in my College who doesn't have this stupid conflict like I have and can can go home and be who they are and not feel like that their parents are going to judge and hate them for what they talk about to them.

    And also because your self-esteem is in shatters right now.

    It has been for a while. Always has been thinking about it and more so when I realised that I am gay. It just is such a blow to my self-esteem when I see gay coupes who are married or even couples in my College. I just sorta think am I that ugly? I even googled that last night.

    I don't even know how to work on myself, hell I don't even know if I have any energy to or even if I should bother.

    Take a peek at the couples you see out on the street. Chances are, you'll see most of them aren't exceptionally attractive or rich.

    That's the thing. I see most of them as much hotter and more attractive than me. I do tend to compare myself to others a lot. See what makes me so unappealing to men that they don't even give me a once over.

    The hot body might drag somebody in, but there better be a good personality under there if he wants that person to stay put. :slight_smile:

    I feel more gay men prefer the hot body. Just look at it, the more average gay men and less attractive ones like me tend to get pushed to the side and end up staying single because nobody likes us. I just wish that I had the body of a twink than a cub :/

    Liking guys is awesome, so glad to have you aboard. :slight_smile:

    I just feel like it is a curse from god, like he thought "here, let me make someone's life miserable and difficult in a way that nobody around him will understand. Oh, let's make him ugly whilst I am at it" Like thanks G, that's just great.






    I just get much more lonely when I don't have someone with me like in bed and stuff. It sounds pathetic I know but man, I just want to feel some sort of comfort once in my life.

    It does get bad and I do think about suicide a lot. I did attempt a while back but I didn't succeed unfortunately. I do hate myself for not succeeding. I also notice that I get suicidal a lot when I feel alone and isolated. Just don't get why. I'm just hoping that death isn't far.
     
  6. Fattrash17

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    your sexuality isn't the problem,

    I feel like it is. If I wasn't like this then things would be so much better and I would actually feel normal for once.

    And second, while boyfriends are great, yes, they do add to stress as well (because it's a part of our life that needs attention), nor do they automatically fix things in our life. If you feel badly about the way you look, you'll still feel that way when you're dating someone, counter-intuitive as it may seem.

    It just seems nice to have one. Just a guy who likes you and think's your're attractive when you don't think you are would be nice. I mean damn, I want it.
    Well, I am short, 5"2, hairy and hold most fat on my stomach even though it doesn't effect my health meanwhile the tall hunky hairless model just got engaged and bought a house in the Hollywood suburbs.

    LGBT Muslim organizations throughout the world, including in countries such as the United States, Canada, the UK, and elsewhere. This might not change your situation with your family right now, but it's important to make yourself aware that you aren't alone. There are a lot of people out there just like you!

    I have joined the one in the UK. It has been okay, it has just been quiet for a bit now and nobody is replying to PM's. Eventhough I am not alone I feel like I am, like this own personal prison cell with no way out except death.
    I am expected to marry a woman once I finish education. It is what I fear the most and what will probably drive me to suicide. I hate that some can live a life that others can only dream of.
     
  7. SgWay

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    Hi Fattrash, I am also a Muslims and gay.

    I have similar problem to yours, I live in Muslim majority country but and coming out is difficult if not impossible.

    I was slightly overweight most of my life too. I am at a stage where I accepted that I am gay when I was in uni , later in my late twenties, I started feeling loney and depressed iver the thought Id be alone. Suddenly, For a year, I began to be less social, stayed at home when not at work...of course i got bored with this lifestyle, eventually, I randomly joined a vacation group where a bunch of random poeple go on holiday, the first trip was to a rainforest and I enjoyed it. This is followed by a trip to an island and eventually did a diving license at anotherr island with randome people. All happened within a few months. Within that period, I started working out at the gym, lost some weight and gained confidence. What I am telling you this, whether you are gay or straight, meeting new poeple and doing new things will help you to stifle the loneliness and depression, from meeting new people, I have met some good looking friends, if I cant get bf, at least befriending some men that I like is ok for now, we hang once a while out and watch movies, things i have not done since uni..i guess i pretend i go on a date with my friends.

    As being unattractive, you can change that, seriously, go to the gym and just cut down sugary water, and you will lose weight and look betterr, get a better haircut and dress smarlty, it will boost you confidence. Most important, try meeting new people and socialize, so that the chances you find like minded people and even a bf increases...for me I enjoy outdoor activities like hiking and diving..for you maybe its sport. Try to take action to change the course of your life to better circumstances.

    As being a gay Muslim, yeha..just pretend to be straight and religious(pray and fast to make the family happy) , once you move out you know what to do, i still live with my family(Only 3 of us in the house with plenty of space) and I am fine keeping my sexuality secret.

    I assume you live in a Western country, perhaps you can meet other LGBT people to talk about your problems.
     
    #7 SgWay, Feb 24, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 24, 2017
  8. Gravity

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    Perhaps - but you could turn that around just as easily and say that things would be so much better if other people weren't so upset about you being gay, or possibly being gay, or about gay people in general. It's easy to blame ourselves - we're taught, in a lot of different ways, to be ashamed of being gay, plus when nobody else knows yet it's easy to see ourselves and our own thoughts as the source of the problem. You can also feel normal if others don't make you feel abnormal. :slight_smile:

    True, other people, and specifically partners, can help pick you up when you're feeling a little down. But, more deep-seated ideas - such as "I'm gay and I shouldn't be," or "I'm really very unattractive" - tend to be harder to set aside, even with a partner's help. I've known people who think things like that about themselves to actually sabotage relationships when they did meet somebody.

    The thought process ran something like - "I'm with this person now, and I really like them and they're really attractive; but I'm really unattractive; so why are they with me? They must be fooling themselves, they could do better with someone else," and they actually end up angry with their partner, pushing them away, or not able to trust them because they keep "lying" and saying that they find this person attractive - all instead of trusting them and enjoying the relationship.

    That's not to say that everyone who gets into a relationship has perfect self esteem - but on some level it's important to see yourself as worthy of a relationship and a boyfriend before you start dating someone.

    That's great that you joined the UK organization! I'm sorry to hear that they haven't been as active as you'd like, but maybe there are other places to look for as well. If you're reaching out to contact them, chances are others are as well.

    Can I ask you - do you have any contact with LGBT people where you live? Any community centers nearby, or places to interact with others? Any places where being gay could be seen as a good or normal thing? Or is your only experience with your family and such?
     
  9. Fattrash17

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  10. Gravity

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    Being geographically isolated can be tough - if you'd like, I'd be happy to talk over PM and see if there is anyway in the area. Assuming you are in the UK, in my experience, it's pretty easy to get around on the train system, but I suppose one never knows.

    When you think about hurting yourself, what do you see as the primary goals? Preventing family from finding out? Escaping stress? Or something else?

    Also, as for the fit and white thing. It's true that in gay online dating (as in any online dating - we're not unique in that aspect), race plays a role, unfortunately, and you wouldn't be the first to notice that. That's part of the reason I would suggest getting to know people in person - not just for dating, but as friends or anything. Even getting to know one person that you can talk about this with could be a huge pressure release, maybe more than you'd even suspect. Plus, getting to know the person as a person, and not as a category on a site or app, will make it a lot easier to eventually date, when things do come to that.

    And regarding being fit - from what you describe, there are lots of people out there who would be interested in a hairy cubbish guy! Most probably won't care about height, but some might like a shorter guy too. Of course none of this will matter if you don't believe that they would, or if you don't believe you could be attractive, so again it comes back to you and how you view yourself. That's really the most important. But from what you've described I don't see your appearance as any barrier. It's good that you're going to the gym though and eating healthy - even completely aside from weight or whatever, staying active is good for your mood and other aspects of health. You're taking good steps. :slight_smile:

    Also, out of curiosity, have you ever tried counseling? Or are you perhaps in counseling now?
     
  11. Margaret

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    I'm really sorry you feel like this, I've been there, many times. Maybe getting a bf isn't such a bad idea? Living feeling like your parents secretly hate you is only doing harm, and I really don't advise dating in secret. I think you need to tell them, and I also think your right that it likely won't go well, but they are your parents and given time they may come to realize your a good person (I'm guessing) and whatever nice guy your dating is too. I don't think they will hate you forever, especially if you explain this isn't a choice or a desire to go against the values you've been taught.
     
  12. Fattrash17

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    I have never tried it no. I am really terrified of it of getting judged when telling the person things and mainly because the waiting list for it is very long and I would have to tell my family and that would lead to unkind things

    ---------- Post added 27th Feb 2017 at 07:24 PM ----------

    I want to get one but it doesn't seem like guys want to be mine for whatever reason. The thing is with my Muslim parents is that they really stick to their values and so telling them would go to them denying it, telling me that it is just a mistake and then after me telling them that it isn't I would eventually be disowned and would cut all contact off with me. I do see myself as then taking my own life. What would be the point of living if nobody wants to date you and your own family have disowned you and made you like a stranger on the streets?

    It pretty much is like that for me. I've been scoping out the whole thing for a few years now and it seems inevitable that that would occur. It just seems likely that I will die in the closet. Either by natural causes or through me taking my own life.

    Life is just that bit poo sometimes
     
  13. lifestruggles

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    I just want you to know that I am going through the same sort of pain. I did come out to my parents and lived with my ex for a number of years when we split I felt pressure from my parents to date men (they are very religious Church of England) and as at the time I wanted an easy life my next relationship was with a man for 8 years. Although it had good times, I was not really sexually attracted to him and he ended up cheating on me. I have had to return home in my 30's and now feel so alone as my parents think I am "cured" of my gay phase and now all they can talk about is me finding a nice boy to marry and have children. My problem is with my lifestyle I do not go anywhere to meet women and I feel so isolated and alone right now. I know your pain…… you are not alone…..
     
  14. Fattrash17

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    It sucks. I do feel you, South Asian culture can be very irritating at times because literally your're expected to get married and people look at you funny if you don't. I would have thought that christian parents would me much more accepting of LGBT, but obviously not. Your parents do need to be shown the countless experiments conducted by psychologists showing how a person can't be 'cured' from being gay. If they could then wouldn't it have happened by now? Neither do I don't worry, you are not alone. I just don't see the attractiveness of gay clubs and bars. I just hate hook-ups that so many gay men have and would rather have sex with a man that I am dating not some stranger that I exchanged like three messages with.

    You should not however be forced to marry a man. Even if you do stay singe for the remainder of your life, you should never be in a relationship that you aren't happy in. It isn't fair for you nor your partner. I would suggest finding a way out of living with parents, it can be hell with homophobia being the general vibe around the house, it is for me anyway and it drives me nuts.

    You aren't alone either and I feel a lot of the pain you may feel too.
     
  15. Ljjgreat2017

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    I understand your situation, even though I don't have the same experience. I am in a bit of a rut today myself. I have been overthinking and stressing since yesterday about something irrelevant to this topic.

    But I think you must find something to be positive about. Please find at least five reasons to stat alive. There are millions of reasons to stay alive. There are people on this forum that care about you. We care about your well-being. You deserve to be on the Earth. You did not choose your sexual orientation. It is pretty difficult to live with a prejudiced family but you still need to write five reasons to stay alive. If you want to, write a hundred reasons to stay alive. Find any positive energy you can, whether it is from the internet or other people. I don't know exactly how to help you but you need to hold on.

    I hope I helped.
     
  16. Fattrash17

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    Life can be a bit rutty at times, more so that others I guess. I guess humans always overthink, our brains never able to get awat from one topic for less than a minute.

    At the moment, I can't find any reasons to stay alive. I can think why not to stay alive but I can'y find reasons for the latter. It is hard to be positive at the moment, I am so exhausted that even small things take so much energy. I was falling asleep on the bus when coming home, had to stay awake though. Just don't see the need to hold on when it is causing me more pain and grief than good. I guess that is one of the reasons not to stay. Even if I did let go, I would simply be one of those who let go too.

    With or without me the sun will set and the moon will rise as life continues to be born into this world.
     
  17. TrevinMichael

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    The sun will set yes and the moon will also rise, but then it is doing that with you too.

    Find something to hold on to even if it is my hand.

    Trevin Michael
     
  18. Fattrash17

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    Even if I do take my own life it will continue to do so. It isn't like it will stop doing without me. I just can't be bothered seeing the sun rise and set again, so pointless.

    I would reach out and grab but what is the point when I am already do down and deep. It would take me using energy that I do not have to come to you
     
  19. PatrickUK

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    I have been following this thread closely and reading the various posts and thought I would comment.

    It's clear to me that your confidence and self esteem is at rock bottom. You describe yourself in a catastrophic way and have even set your profile name on here as Fattrash. If you see yourself in such a negative light and feed off those thoughts every day, what do you suppose it does to you?

    You have been ruminating about your situation so much that you can no longer see a way out, but there is a way out and every prospect of better days, providing you embrace that hope. It will not be easy (life rarely is) and it may upset and offend some people if you choose to live your life on your terms, but it is your choice to make. You can choose to live and love, just as much as you can choose to wither and die. The change begins with you! As things stand you seem to have your mind set on the idea that there is no prospect for change and few options, so you are entertaining the idea of death and suicide all the more. Is that what you really want? What would dying now actually mean?

    Like you, I live in the UK and I can tell you that I am more isolated from the LGBT community than you are in Greater Manchester. I come from a rural county with no obvious LGBT scene or community and have to travel some distance (sometimes to Manchester) to enjoy that sense of community. For you, it's right on the doorstep - just a short bus or train ride away. Manchester has one of the most vibrant LGBT communities in the country.

    Yes, it is difficult when you are still living at home, financially dependent on parents and subject to their rules and moral values, but as you enter into adulthood you have the freedom to make choices and decisions of your own. It's your right, in law. Nobody, including your parents can deny you that right. It may bother them if/when you make decisions that they disapprove of, but they cannot physically prevent you from doing anything that is legal.

    Coming out is a process and part of that process is working towards a situation where you can be a person of independent means, able to make choices and decisions for yourself - including the decision to come out and live as an openly gay man. Coming out isn't simply a case of telling all to everyone, with no regard for your safety, security or the consequences. At this stage, you don't want to end up on a collision course with your parents, but you can put in plenty of effort at college and work towards a career that will provide you with the means to be an independent man. Make it part of your coming out master plan.

    There is hope and there are places and organisations that you can turn to for help, guidance and support, if you need it. If you want to know the names and contact details for those organisations, send me a private message.

    When I was 17 and struggling with my sexuality, I too felt depressed and hopeless. I too imagined that life and love would pass me by and that I would never come out, but that's not what happened. If it can happen for me, it can happen for you, but you need to believe and cast off the cloak of negativity. You are young and you might be surprised at how quickly circumstances can change, providing you keep an open mind.
     
  20. Fattrash17

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    I just feel lost and I don't know what to do