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Homosexual Hetroromantic?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jmiller85, Apr 18, 2016.

  1. Jmiller85

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    I know I am attracted to both men and women, however, I have only had sexual attractions towards men, never emotional. I know I am attracted to women, and while I have sexual feelings towards women, my sexual experiences with men are always more intense and I am always more aroused with men. However the weird thing is I am cognitive of the fact that I haven't fully accepted my gay" side. I feel uncomfortable initiating and after sex. I also just in general can't picture myself with another man romantically. I am trying really hard to accept it, but I don't know how to let my mind/body become accustomed to the idea with being with another man.

    Basically, I think I prefer sex with men, but relationships with women. Anyone with any experience and how they went about it? Could this just be hormones? (20M) Could this just be a phase since I discovered this side of me just a couple of years ago.

    I'm not necessarily worried about labels, because who I choose to have sex with is my business right? It's just when I think of having a family and kids someday I picture it being with a woman. Maybe this is just a phase? Maybe I'm actually gay? I'm so confused.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated!
     
  2. Calf

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    Perhaps the issue here is your perception of gender roles rather than sexuality. Your sexuality doesn't really matter here because although you are attracted to men, you may have a biased opinion of what a man is. The same can be said of women. I think that before you can start to understand if this is the case, you need to ask yourself the question, what is it that you find romantically unattractive about men but that you do find attractive in a woman? You shouldn't be worried about offending anyone with this because it's purely part of your development process.
    When you say you picture yourself having a family and kids with a woman, there is no reason it couldn't be with a man. It may be the case that you really do want that only with a woman but are you sure it's what you want and not just what you think you should want or what others want you to have.
     
  3. darkcomesoon

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    I think you should wait to label yourself until you've fully accepted your attraction to men. Not being able to picture yourself in a relationship with a man is not unusual when you haven't fully accepted liking men. Also, imagining yourself ending up marrying a woman is really common because all (cis) men are told for their entire lives that they are expected to grow up and marry a woman and have some kids.

    I don't know what your sexuality is, and I don't think you will be able to be sure until you've taken some time to get used to and accept your attraction to men.
     
  4. Ghostling

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    I have a similar attraction. I'm super sexually attracted to men, and not so much to women but I can't ever imagine myself in a relationship with a man and I love girls!!!

    Everyone has preferences and comfort zones and figuring out what yours are would probably be helpful to figure yourself out. Do some people watching, analyze how you feel about them, and how you feel about yourself when you do that. I agree with dark that you should probably work towards accepting your attraction towards men, but that being said, if you find yourself still not romantically attracted to men, thats ok!

    Sexual and Romantic attraction can be the same, but they don't have to be. Take some time, figure yourself out. There's no rush for this kind of stuff.
     
  5. Jmiller85

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    It's not that I haven't accepted I'm attracted to men, because I have. It's just that I could never be in a long term relationship with another man. For me when I have sex with a man its just that sex, like a friends with benefits type thing I guess. I'm so confused!
     
  6. Chip

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    I think darkcomesoon has the right idea. If you were to dig through our archive, you can probably find 500 threads of people saying, almost word-for-word, what you're saying... and then, a few months later, coming around to the understanding that they are gay or closer to the gay end of the spectrum.

    The piece to understand here is the process of self-acceptance and processing the loss of being straight. In doing so, there are stages... denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential and can take anywhere from days to years (but usually weeks or months) to go through.

    During the bargaining phase, people typically say things like "OK, I know I like guys, but I can't imagine being in a relationship with one, and so I can still see a future with a woman." This is a normal part of the process where the conscious and unconscious mind are basically fighting with one another because, let's face it, nobody *wants* to be gay.

    Now... I want to be clear that in describing this, I'm not saying you're gay and not bi, only that for what you describe, being gay or closer to gay is a more common outcome (at least, what we've seen anecdotally here) than being truly bi. However, there are certainly people that come out of the process totally bi as well.

    Also, it's worth knowing that, tumblr and various other non-credible sources aside, there's pretty much no credible evidence for a separation between romantic and sexual orientation. While some people identify that way... and that's certainly OK if it works for them... typically what we see is that label is part of the bargaining process and is often discarded once people come to fully accept themselves.

    Finally, for most people going through this process, it's pretty scary to consider the possibility that they may be gay. Often it's a complete shock, as those feelings may not have been in your conscious mind until recently. So give yourself permission to feel uncomfortable, scared, angry, and all those things... it's part of the process of exploring yourself.

    The important takeaway here is... there's no rush to come to a conclusion, you shouldn't take anyone's word for this but your own feelings, and I suggest simply taking your time, exploring the possibilities, and coming to the conclusion yourself, based on what you feel.
     
  7. Invidia

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    I think a good point is to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling and take things in stride. Your feelings may change over time, believe it or not. It sounds to me like you're somewhere on the gay or bi spectrum - only time will be able to tell what is what.
    Godspeed! xx
     
  8. Jmiller85

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    Would it be wrong for me to experiment more? Not even sure if that would help?
     
  9. Invidia

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    Of course it wouldn't be wrong. :slight_smile: And no, you couldn't know, really, that's why it's called experimenting. But it might help.
     
  10. Chip

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    Experimenting is fine, as long as you're authentic with the people you're experimenting with. In other words, casual hookups are fine, but it's not OK to lead them on for the purposes of "experimentation".