Hi! It's my first post here and I'd really prefer to just comment, but I can't without posting. Apologies for a rambling post - also I'm still figuring out how this forum thing works! So here we go. Back story: raised conservative Christian in the south. That says a lot already. But I was always very interested in girls. I had romantic crushes (not sexual) on my female youth leaders, pretty teachers, and even actresses in a couple of plays I saw. I remember being 11 and one of the youth leaders said she loved me, in a big sister way, and suddenly my diary was covered in her name and hearts and I couldn't stop thinking about her.. for like, years. I never had crushes on boys/men. I invented them when my friends asked if I couldn't avoid the question any longer. I could appreciate a good looking man but I never spent any time thinking about them. When I started fantasizing in middle school, it was really vaguely about men, I never thought sexually about women because hey, that's not an option, right? I didn't date in high school, I couldn't create enough chemistry with the boys I thought I liked. I did stare at this one girl in Spanish class a lot and tried to find ways to talk to her but I never considered it a "crush" though obviously it was. Most of my life has been a dating desert, all through my 20s as well. I never considered myself anything but straight, but anytime an opportunity for sex came up, I shut it down, and therefore stayed a virgin until 30. Many times I'd fantasize about the "almost sex" experiences I'd had (all with men), playing them out in my head and sort of wishing I hadn't been such a prude. So at 30 I moved to a European country and lost my inhibitions and decided to go ahead and have sex with a guy I was seeing, despite a lack of attraction. I'm starting to feel like my sexuality is now blossoming the way it should have in my teens/20s. But after a couple of failed relationships with men in the last two years and a LOT of time spent fantasizing romantically about a female friend (which I finally let myself fantasize about her sexually) I'm realizing I just prefer women. If I meet a new girl and we hit it off, I think about cuddling, kissing them, holding hands. In the last few months I'm allowing my brain to imagine sex with them too. The problem is they're always straight. I never act on my impulses in person because I'm afraid of scaring them. I really don't know how to explain myself - I'd almost say bi, but it's because hetero sex/relationships is the only experience I've had. I've also considered asexuality. But I'm tired of living in my head and playing all these things out. I want my crush life and my sex life to start matching up and I want to crush on someone who can actually love me back the way I need. I've never been in love and I'm terrified of being rejected by women. Also, I'm an only child of extremely conservative Christian parents so part of me wants to just forget about it and say it's all in my head. I'd like to hear from people who have crossed this bridge. I know it seems like I'm asking for a "diagnosis" but really I just want to know I'm not alone and some advice for navigating this. THANK YOU!!
Welcome to EC! I think almost everyone comes here a little confused and worked up and needing a good rant. It always feels a bit self-absorbed to write out your whole life story for people to analyse but that's exactly what this place is for and tbh, I sort of enjoy hearing people's stories! Thanks for posting! I definitely tried to tell my whole life story and get people to diagnose me when I joined. I'm gonna be pretty clear and to the point. At least I'll try, I'm a rambler. You have identified 3 key ideas here: 1. You have been drawn to women romantically all your life. 2. Your experiences with men have ended badly due to your lack of sexual attraction to them. 3. Now that you are opening up, you are more comfortable fantasising about women than you were about men. These 3 key points you have made would lead me to beleive you are a lesbian. If you decide this is true, this is great! This can explain your need to back out of relationships with men when sex becomes involved and means that you can have a more fulfilling relationships with women. Thats pretty exciting. But the prospect of being a lesbian can be scary too when you come from a conservative Christian family yeah... The upside is that you are an adult and you already are very independant in living abroad, so if and when you become sure enough that you wish to tell them, they don't have great control over you and you don't have to be around them all the time as they go through they're upset phases of processing and accepting you. Hopefully if you're patient they'll slowly get used to it generally even if they don't truly accept it. I'm trying to be optimistic here; although my mother can be pretty homophobic from time to time, I have never had to deal with true religious conservatism. I understand that you sort of want to forget about it and beleive its in your head. However, I think it would be very sad for you to continue to force yourself into relationships with men that you only end up backing out. Its time for you to explore further. I also understand your frustration in crushing on straight women. I think all girls who like girls and guys who like guys have this problem a fair amount. You have to deal with it... yeah its sad, but straight people also crush on unattainable people a lot in their life. Its just a part of having attraction to human beings in general. Its something you have to deal with. Though of course there are less queer women than straight men, so you may need to go out of your way to find groups, use apps, etc to find women to date if you have no queer women in your circles. All of this is scary, but life is scary, I don't know what I can say other than do everything in your own time. You ought to ask someone other than me about this. I am young and I have crushed on many unattainable girls and acheived nothing. However, the majority of these girls were not unattainable because they were straight, they just were. This sort of proves my point, you wil always have to deal with unattainable crushes. It also makes sense how the fact that sex is the thing that truly makes you want to backout of a relationship with a guy may cause you to consider that you are asexual, but I'm not sure this can really be determined from the information you have provided. If you decide that sex with women also does not appeal to you, then it would seem most likely that you are a homoromantic asexual. I do not think it is very likely that you are bisexual though. The feelings you have described about men are not the feelings of a bisexual; you do not appear to really be attracted to men at all. I consider myself more on the homosexual side and I have definitely demonstrated more interest in men than you describe. The fact that you've had some experience with men does not mean you are attracted to them, it just means these things occured. This is the best "diagnosis" and advice I could give you from the information provided. I hope that other people continue to give you advice, and that you mull over both your own observations and my musings and start to become comfortable with your feelings. Good luck.
Wow, Schach - your response blows me away. Thank you for taking the time to read, understand, and give such a thoughtful reply. You have quite a depth of insight! I completely agree with you on unattainable crushes.. I suppose we all do it, it's nice to be reminded I'm not alone. Thanks for the "diagnosis" - it helps to hear from an outside perspective.
No problem, dude. I'm just here to give you my fullest observations and all the support you want. I'm not half-hearted, I keep writing until everything seems like its been adresssed! I'm really glad you got something out of it and that you think I'm insightful haha. If there's ever anything else you want my long-winded and comprehensive opinions on, feel free to ask.
