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Homophobic Workmates and fear of being known

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JayR, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. JayR

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    Ever since I was a kid, I had this fear of straight guys. I've never had a straight guy friend because I was afraid they will find out I'm gay and torment/make fun/hurt me. I've been carrying this fear for more than a decade. I'm 21 years old and since then, I was pretending to be straight. It gets harder everyday as you grow old and that you have certain responsibilities. At work, I can't function well. All my co-workers are straight homophobic judgemental guys and everyday is a struggle. I always keep quiet in the corner wallowing in fear "what if they find out" and even on simple things like talking to them, I stutter sometimes and when I walk. I constantly check myself on the windod glasses just to see if my bum wiggles "I straightly". Most parts of my body, the way I move speak, react, live, I've changed it. I need to act straight to save myself from being the victim. I never let my guard down and now this added fear is really pushing me harder into something so hard. To be more straight looking and tough. It's hard, so hard everyday. I just wanna cry because I need the job, I love the job but it's so difficult. This fear, all my being is surrounded by fear, I try to be like those people who "doesn't care what everyone else say" but I do care, a lot. Being in closet is so hard, I feel suffocated and slowly withering. I want to make things better but I don't know how. Coming out isn't a choice either because coming out means I could be a potential prey for judgement/criticism and bullying. I don't know what to do anymore and sometimes, just sometimes, I wanna end it all. My life. I can't imagine myself surviving endless of years like this. I can't, it's not worth it. :tears:
     
  2. mirkku

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    Ok, that sounds bad.
    I'm sorry, I don't know what "PH" in your location stands for (Philippines? Philadelphia? I'm so bad at this...), but isn't there an anti-homophobia / anti-bullying law in place in your country that could protect you from your co-workers harrassment? You cannot go on living in the closet seeing as this closet seems very hurtful to you.

    Of course I understand your need for the job, particularly if you like it, but perhaps at this point it might be better for you to find another job elsewhere. Which is not easy, I know, but you seem genuinely distressed. Do you work in a chain store? If so, could you ask for a transfer in a potentially less homophobic area? You seem in dire need for a change.

    Side-note: have you come out to someone outside of work? Someone who could perhaps help you out outside of work to find a better situation in regard of work and/or life in general?

    You get all my hugs and sympathy, man. (*hug*)
     
    #2 mirkku, Jul 7, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2016
  3. JayR

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    Thank you Mq
     
  4. Shorthaul

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    Working with less than ideal coworkers is difficult. Mirkku raises a good point about anti-discrimination and bullying at work. The PH also doesn't help me figure out where you live either.

    Depending on where you are, many if not most jobs have a number you can call anonymously to report problems at your location. I would recommend getting in touch with the Human Resources department of the place you work. As they could answer any questions you have about what the company policy is about bullying or hostile work environments.

    I know you said you love your job, but I have to agree that maybe looking for a new one is a pretty good idea. Since you are already employed that makes looking a bit less stressful, as you are still getting paid so you don't have to take anything. You can actually take some time and really look for something better. I spent two years at a job I hated before something better came along. Only three weeks into my new job and I am so much happier.

    As a final note, you deserve to be happy and their are people who understand what you are going through. Hang in there, it will get better.