Homophobic thoughts

Oh absolutely, I’ve been out for coming up on two years and I still have bits and pieces of internalized homophobia. It seems to take time for most people.
Spending time around and communicating with other lgbt people is a good way of getting over these thoughts.
I’m sure therapy from the right people could speed up the process as well.

 

Some gay people don't like being public about their sexuality, and this can be perceived as internalized homophobia.

Often the gay people who are more public about their sexuality are living up to stereotypes that the more private gay people are trying to avoid. Whether its the way they dress, the way they have their hair done, the music they listen to and the way they dance, even the TV shows they watch. There's this uncomfortable feeling that if you're not following the same trends as the more loud and proud gays, then you're not being gay properly. It creates a barrier within the gay community.

As for "unlearning" internalized homophobia, I find that the best way is to actually talk to straight people who are gay friendly. They don't judge you for who you're having sex with, they don't judge you for who you find attractive and they don't judge how you talk and act or what your interests are. They just appreciate you as a person. Meeting people like that gives me more of a sense of humility, and I feel less likely to judge another gay person too harshly just because I disagree with how they express themselves.

 

This is a very true feeling that a lot of my friends have felt in the past.

I think the way to tell whether its internalized homophobia or not is if you throw the "other gays" under the bus to make you feel/look better. If a straight person says "you aren't like the other gays" and you take it as a compliment then that's internalized homophobia. or take "Wow, what a surprise. You don't look gay" and taking it as a compliment is a sign of internalized homophobia.

Your pride or concern shouldn't be about passing as straight or being better than the other queers around you.

If you don't like to dress a certain way that is fantastic. If you don't like to dress a certain way in order to not be like the other gays and for straight people to respect you, that is a problem.

Very thin gray line and hard to tell which is which, but there is a distinction.

Once you are able to stop judging other LGBT people for the way they act, that's how you know you have been able to unlearn some of the toxic messages from our society.

For me, talking with the gays who I thought were the worst is what helped. Talking with the flamboyant, so loud its annoying, walking sterotype people is what helped me. Seeing them as people, their strength to be able to survive all the horrible shit thrown at them, and their courage to just be who they want to be is what helped me understand that they weren't my enemy.

And its still a struggle sometimes.

For example, watching Queer Eye I was so annoyed by Jonathan's persona. He was just SO much. I felt so strongly about it though that I had to sit down and examine why I was feeling just so annoyed by this person. Turns out I was annoyed because he was everything that I tried so hard to not be perceived as. He was the type of gay that I was afraid of when I was younger because to me he was the reason why people hated me. Of course all of that is bullshit, but those are the things you feel by "instinct" because its how we were taught to think.

I had to start focusing on him as a person to understand how smart he is, how courageous he is for pushing the envelope and challenging people to accept him for exactly who he is.

Keep working at it!