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homophobic friend who won't change

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ilovesg, Jul 10, 2016.

  1. ilovesg

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    (sorry this is long)

    i have a friend who has said homophobic things in the past to me and we always got into arguments about it. our other friends didn't like us fighting (they said i shouldn't care what her "political beliefs" are) and im always forced to make up with her. recently my friend told me she saw my friend like a picture on instagram about a lesbian who prayed to God to help her and God eventually "turned her straight" because she was wrong/bad for being gay.

    i can't bring it up because 1) i wasn't there to see it 2) i really hate starting drama with her 3) i have no way to prove it.

    but it bothers me so much. to me, gay rights are not just part of my political opinion, they're my life. i don't have a choice to support them or not like she does. i find it so disrespectful that she thinks she can have these hurtful opinions and expect me to continue to be friends with her.

    i just don't know what to do anymore. i am exhausted trying to get to her all the time. i can't quit being friends with her because ive tried it before and the rest of our friends get mad at me. i also don't want them to have to choose between us.

    at the end of the day it just hurts my feelings and i don't know what to do.
     
  2. mirkku

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    I am sorry to say that none of your friends, and not only her, seem to be very supportive of who you are. You are not forced to get along with anyone you don't have a contract with, remember? This girl seems awful. Her beliefs are one thing to be respected, yes, but the respect should stop at the pain it causes you directly. You should not pursue a "friendship" with her, and your other friends should hold you hostage of the situation simply because they can't choose a camp. (On a side-note if they can't choose between someone wishing to impose restricted freedom of love to the other camp, and somebody else simply trying to live their life without harming the freedom of anyone, they might want to reconsider their screwed up priorities.)

    What you could try to do is to "start drama" a rational way. When she's around, and your friends too, very clearly state exactly what you think of her behaviour, how it makes you feel, and also how unfair the situation your other friends put you in feels like. Then, move on. Either they understand that they are not helping nor showing you respect by brushing of your "political beliefs", either you'll have to part ways with (at least some of) them.

    Stay strong! And remember that friendship is everywhere, and you'll find friends willing to support you in better ways, in time - or your current friends will stop compromising with bullies. To quote the Lumberjanes: "Friendship to the max!!" That's what you should aim for. :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  3. Reggie

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    I can imagine a post from your alleged friend.

    "I have a gay friend who just won't change. She just keeps wanting people to be tolerant."

    You cannot change this person. It seems like her having an intense bigotry toward who you are would put a damper on any type of friendship. I'm not sure a friendship is possible.

    Avoid her. Don't include her in your life. She's not a friend.
     
  4. n3ko

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    if your friendship is destructive and hurtful then the friendship is impossible. if the other friends become upset with you they are deciding between you, and that isn't something you influenced them in. they made that choice alone. hopefully you can keep those friends as separate from this friend. but I overall think that to have someone in your life who is challenging toward something that is a fundamental part of your life,it isn't healthy.
     
  5. Shorthaul

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    Find new friends. Because it sounds like none of them actually understand what you are going thru. True friends would avoid topics they know their friends have vastly different beliefs in. They also wouldn't make you be the one to apologize.

    My wife and I have polar opposite views on some subjects; for that matter she is pretty religious and I am not at all religious. It is simply a matter of agreeing you disagree on something and just drop it.
     
  6. ilovesg

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    thank you guys!
    i am going to tell my one gay friend (who is also friends with her) about what happened and see what he says. i wish i could just leave her for good but i don't have many friends and they are all friends with her :/ i told one of them that i am sick of her saying these things and next time she does it i am going to tell her she needs to stop or i will really stop being friends with her for good. they all say she doesn't mean it, but when you say hurtful things over and over after being asked to stop, you mean it. until then, i am going to distance myself from her a little bit