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Homo...fetishism? Are there any others similar to me here?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by PeterHuman, Nov 26, 2017.

  1. PeterHuman

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    I'm 37 male and I'm still unsure about my sexuality.

    I'm an introvert person and I can develop deep emotional attachments for both genders, but the characteristic of relationships differ noticeably depending on gender.

    With women, I like petite (most probably because of my own short-ish body height), mostly quiet women who have some spark of activity and with whom I feel stronger, able to protect them.

    With men, I like larger than me, at least 20 years older men, who look and behave intelligently and somewhat authoritatively, such as old-style professors, doctors, scientists etc. and who can make me feel protected and taken care of; who like to play father's role.

    I've noticed that there are specific facial features, clothing and behavior in both genders that can make me sexually aroused. I like hugging, cuddling, and maybe kissing (but not on lips) but when it comes to naked bodies and sexual activities I feel mostly indifferent or even slightly repulsed, especially when something in the real life does not match my fantasies or first impressions about the person. I'd say that the face is the thing I could consider to be the closest to sexual trigger, followed by behavior and only then by body type, but not caring too much about any "stereotypical" sexual body features, such as breasts, hips, muscles or genitalia. I have been watching gay porn and I feel somewhat aroused when I see older suited men hugging and behaving romantically, but as soon as they start doing THAT, my interest completely fades and I wish I didn't watch the video this far.

    I also seem to have uniform fetish, but only in combination with the men I described earlier. If a younger person wears an uniform or suit, I feel nothing at all. But if it's "my type" of men, then it is a strong turn-on, at least for a short time. The problem - if the man takes off the uniform and starts behaving in a way that completely contradicts my fantasies and first impressions, I suddenly lose every bit of any sexual attraction and it might never return again in relation to this particular person.

    I have been on dates with some women and I had been slightly past "just friends" stage, but I could not proceed further just because my sexual drive was absent. I really was crushed, fantasized about our life together, having family, children, but those remained just fantasies and eventually I had to let these women go and have their normal "sexual" life with somebody else. Yes, it was painful, but I had no choice, I didn't want to force anyone into "sexless marriage".

    I have had also romantic one-sided crushes with some men who were of "my type", but it never went further than just a fantasy because of them being heterosexual or somehow causing my sexual drive for them to fade too soon. Sometimes it is enough for me to see a younger photo of the man and suddenly I start perceiving him as in some way equal to me and not "authority" at all, and then my sexual attraction is gone, forever.

    So, currently the closest definition I can give to my sexuality is:
    biromantic homofetishistic fraysexuality

    I'm not sure if short term sexual attraction is good enough for attempting long term relationships, in which I'll most probably will play a role of "a child" in need of "father protection" from somebody who, most probably, has different interests than me (noticeably different ages, different worldviews). I already tried to search some local LGBT web communities but failed to find such men. Also, I myself feel psychologically uncomfortable when thinking about being in such a role, which is kind of an inner conflict for me - my subconscious part is sexually driven by such a role playing fantasy while my conscious part is despising me for such desires.

    So, I guess, I have more chances to find a woman with really low or absent sexual drive and similar interests. I've heard there are many activities how to make women feel loved and sexually desired even without straight forward sexual act, but I'm not sure, I haven't tried anything like this yet.

    Currently, the only thing that's drawing me back from attempting hetero(a)sexual relations is my homofetishistic attraction. I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with it and how to explain it to my beloved woman. "Hey, honey, the face of the man in that movie scene makes me feel sexually aroused, can you please pause the video so I can look longer?" Sounds awkward, doesn't it?

    I don't want to wait my entire life for a tiny chance to meet "the perfect match" and miss an opportunity to have a family with a nice woman who might accept and love me as I am. On the other hand, I haven't yet met such a lady yet but I've been so close to that a few times.

    Can anybody here relate to this?
    Is it still "sexual attraction", if your sexual trigger has nothing to do with "typical" sexual parts of the body, even not in your fantasies? Can you somehow make use of it in long term relations or just consider yourself asexual and go from there?
     
  2. Necrose

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    Sexuality, attraction, and arousal are way weird like that. You can't control what you like or why you like it, but that's your brain for you. If it's to be believed that there's someone out there for everyone, then while the odds of you finding someone who accepts you may seem slim, there's 7 billion people and counting in the world today. I'd be more shocked to learn there's nobody at all who understands, who truly gets it.
     
  3. PeterHuman

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    Yeah, I guess it's about luck (or "higher powers") for those two to meet in this large crowd of 7 billion+ people, and how much time it would take to find each other and also possible barriers (living on opposite sides of the world etc.)...

    I have tried some dating sites but it always feels awkward, enforced, with different expectations, beliefs and fears. Indeed, it seems the most natural relationships come out of "lucky accidents", but for sexually "non-standard" people you have to be really lucky to meet somebody matching at work or in a library, especially adding introverted personality type into the mix. At least, with women I feel like I have had some progress and just feeling free and having fun together while with men it somehow always feels awkward and difficult, but I'm not sure if it's because of sexuality or because most women I've met happened to be much more accepting and open than men. Also, the fact that I'm living in a post-USSR country with high levels of homophobia makes any exploration much more difficult than it should be.
     
  4. Necrose

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    And that is life for you. It may seem impossible, but again, there's 7 billion and then some people in the world. I could get existential and go into how small this planet is compared to the universe as a whole, but the point is, we're all here, not out there. And everybody has different opinions, desires, and fears, so the daunting task of finding someone who makes us feel good and right about ourselves and what we want can seem downright impossible, but in our search to find the people who accept our own personal brand of weird, we tend to find them when we least expect to. I'm not saying you should stop trying, just to try to enjoy yourself more and not worry about it so much. I can certainly empathize with stress caused by what you feel are abnormal desires, I wasn't always comfortable admitting I'm bisexual, or to any of my kinks. Still don't talk about it much, but it I feel better just being honest with myself about what I like.
     
    PeterHuman likes this.
  5. Kugeki

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    asexuality, look it up m8