Home Sexuality vs. Public Sexuality

I'd say this is fairly common for those of us with one or more feet in the closet. When we're home alone, we're free to be who we are but out in public, we're more guarded, protecting our true sexuality and thus it can make connecting with people more difficult. For some, it can take many years to truly accept who they are and longer to embrace it. When out in public, I act straight but that's all it is, an act, I still know I'm gay. I also went through stages of doubt and denial over the years but not anymore. Connecting was easier when in denial of my sexuality because now I feel I have to be more careful what I say or I could slip up, however I feel it's worth the risk because friendships and relationships take time to develop. There's connecting with people, showing them what we want to see and then there's truly connecting with them, showing our vulnerability.

We're all at various stages of our journey and it's down to you to work out which direction you want to go in, like it is for perhaps some of the women you meet. I'm sure you'll meet the right person at some stage but you'll need to work out who that is for yourself. For me, the alone person was who I am, the public person is a fabrication of who society wants me to be. Take some time, reflect and work it out. I wrote a journal over this period, where I self reflected and looked at my life up until that point. It really helped me, it may help you too. Good luck with your journey.

 

Hi @jjusa, I can identify a lot with this. I would think a lot of us can, actually.
I love being alone, at home. I become very relaxed and a little flamboyant. But it shuts off when there's people around.

I think what @zgaynz said was really helpful; that it can be harder to connect with someone when you're not trying to connect them with who you really are.

I'm a gay guy, and when I was growing up I found it so much easier to make friends with girls! I think that's often a stereotype, but it was true for me. Because I wasn't a tomboy. With the girls, I didn't have to fight, or act tough, or roughhouse... I could be me! It got easier when I got to adulthood (everyone is generally more mature), but I still get intimidated sometimes by my male coworkers because they are really, really traditionally "manly." And you know what? I still like men! And I'm thankful that despite how different I am, the men around me are really, really wonderful, which unfortunately isn't always the case for others.

But my coworkers are just not my type. Not attracted to 'em at all. And I think maybe that sounds like where your struggle is? That you definitely like women, but that it's hard to meet someone who's a certain type?

I think what you said above could be a little self-limiting. I don't think it's healthy to go from putting yourself in this "heterosexual box" into this "homosexual box," this mold. I think maybe just focusing on being who you really are (what it sounds like at home), and bringing that out into the world instead. My thought is, that once you're as comfortable being around women as you are with men, maybe their walls will come down too?

I certainly hope I'm not sounding pushy or anything. I hope something I said can help with your journey!!

 

I don't know if this is quite on topic, but I'm sharing. Before I was even close to being out I was working part-time in a bookstore. There was a guy there training to be manager of another store. When bantering back and forthui, there was this weird, pseudo flirting thing going on between us. At one point he called me princess jokingly. With a dramatic flair, I said, "I am no princess, I am A QUEEN!". Probably the gayest thing I have ever said in public. For a few glorious moments my guard came down and I didn't self-censor

 

@jjusa It makes sense that you feel differently at home to when you're out in public: home is your safe space, especially as you live on your own. It's the place where you don't feel the need to put on a particular mask to appease others, be they friends, family, acquaintances or complete strangers. So at home is when you're most honest.

Your sexual orientation isn't changing in this regard (going out in public), but rather is exhibited differently; your anxiety around these other women is the product of your lack of self-esteem, perhaps even internalized homophobia (most likely, in fact). In essence, I think it's safe to say that you're still working through how to feel about this side of yourself, but that's there's also more to it; some deeply rooted issues revolving around your sense of self that you've likely been dealing with for a long time, yet perhaps haven't given much thought to because as people, we often repress things when we don't know how to deal with them yet. Your sexual orientation might be the catalyst right now; a turning point that's forcing you to examine these other feelings, both related and not.

It's not something you're going to overcome overnight, but as long as you start the work--towards bettering your self-esteem, your sense of self and worth--you'll get there.

 

I think I've always known it was an act but I was trying to fool myself more than anyone else. I had no interest in dating women and always found an excuse not too. I felt it was more an obligation than a need or a want. One day, I'll be able to just be me, but until then I still act straight but do so with the knowledge/acceptance that I'm most definitely gay and if given the choice to be straight, I wouldn't.

 

Like so many here for some time my public sexuality didn’t match my actual sexuality. I was involved in an exclusive relationship with another man privately but publicly I acted straight. Not that I was dating women but I just wouldn’t acknowledge I was gay. The internal pressure built up trying to lead a double life and I “unintentionally “ outed myself at a party. It was a relief to let the private and public sexuality finally merge into being an openly gay man.

 

@jjusa I'm sure for many lesbian and bisexual women, that ease of being around other women is true. But like you, I've had many tumultuous interactions/relationships with other girls while growing up, so I tend to be a bit anxious and a lot more self-conscious around them than men (as, like you, I've had an easier time making friends with guys). So while we're not necessarily the exception, we're not the rule, either; I think it's safe to say for lesbian and bisexual women, it's probably about equal where the disparity lies between the two interaction types.

And there's no shame in feeling like you haven't developed that sense of self yet. I think there are more people who can relate to that than we realize. I know I sometimes still struggle with it, as well. It could be the product of the times, a product of our upbringing and early experiences--a whole host of things. Just trust that you'll get there when you're ready, and likely it'll happen without you even realizing it.

 

I am still early in my journey, but I can say that I felt like I had to act differently once I realized that I am bi. Once I got that out of my head, I was a lot more comfortable. I'm still me. Nothing has changed except I don't wear specific underwear depending on whether or not I'm leaving the house.