Okay so I’m just going to preface this by saying it’s a bit explicit. If you’re not interested in hearing about sexuality and crazy teenage drama, please don’t read on. Also! This may be in the wrong section, but I’ll mark it up as fitting here by saying that it may be relatable for any trans-feminine people on EC that are looking into taking HRT. This is like, part rant, part observation, part “woah seriously what’s happening to me I need to chill out”. So first of all, I’ve never been big on sex. Even as a teen going through highschool, I never really had much of any kind of sex drive. I mean I had the typical testosterone-driven moments, like any teenager who happens to be experiencing a biologically male puberty, but I never really wanted it. It kind of grossed me out, really. That is, until I got with my ex. It took my ex like, months, before I agreed to actually take part in full penetrative sex. We had fooled around a bit, but never went the whole way. I found the whole idea disgusting. I hated my genitals and the idea of using them with another human in any way kind of repulsed me. But he opened me up to it. We were long distance, so going for a long time without sex was pretty easy for me. But we ended up at a point where when we did see each other, we were engaging in the act basically every day, multiple times a day. When we finally split I wasn’t worried about it. But now, holy teenage hormones! What is happening. It’s like I’m interested in every boy I look at, even ones that I would never in a million years get with because of standards (I’m pan but lately been interested almost exclusively in boys for some reason). And like, even the most vague positive attention from boys kind of gets me all excited like “okay woah take me” sort of thing and sex is like always on my mind. The issue is, unlike with my previous, testosterone-induced drives, I can’t seem to use my hands to deal with it. While I resented my genitals before, it’s only gotten worse since taking HRT and I seriously CAN NOT wait for SRS. Not to mention, it feels way more intense. Allow me to explain. When I was in high school, any sex drive I had was kind of just related to my genitals and I had to just get it over with and get it out of my system. But now, it’s like it’s consuming me. I crave touch, I crave the feelings you get, the smells, the closeness to another person, the excitement, the awkwardness. I crave it all. And I feel like I’ll turn nearly anywhere to get it. But here’s where the observations end and the rants start. Because I’m also stupidly insecure about my genitals. Because realistically, how many boys will want to sleep with a girl who has a penis? Not many. And it drives me crazy because it feels like I’m forced to wait until after I get SRS before I have sex again. I was lucky with my ex because he was also trans, super comfortable with everything, and created an environment where I could be comfortable in my own body for once. But it feels like I won’t be able to get that again and every single time I get interested in someone, I stop myself and back away because in the back of my mind there’s this constant itching that “this can’t happen because I’m trans and I have a penis and oh god what if he doesn’t know but then finds out and it could even end up dangerous and he might think I was trying to trick him or something” aaaaaand it goes on and on and on until I drive myself crazy with stress about it. Anyways, in conclusion, insane, hormonal 18 year old experiencing female puberty and practically drooling over the idea of getting with a boy because I can’t control myself! The weirdest part is that I’m happy in a way that this is going on. Like in those teenage dramas you read where the “good girl” didn’t want anything to do with sex until a new boy comes to town or she changes schools or something and then all of a sudden bam! Hormones. As stereotypically ridiculous as it is, going through something similar is almost like validation that I may be somewhat normal. (Again, completely ridiculous thought process, but it’s there and I acknowledge it.) Sorry for the ridiculously long post! I realize these may be common experiences for some people, but it's super new to me and it's exciting and scary and a whole bunch of stuff at once.
