Holding on

Thanks, friends. I'm feeling OK today. A little overwhelmed by tasks, but I'm managing to do a few of them. And eat some vegetables.

I use that clue period tracker app, and with it in starting to realize that I often have one or two super dark days like that right before I ovulate. I think I get down because of a combination of things, but I find some comfort in there being a cycle reason, because that means it doesn't last forever.

---------- Post added 26th Jun 2016 at 03:12 PM ----------

I need to call my dad and revisit the coming out conversation. My tummy is expressing discomfort with my need to bring it up again. .... probably won't be worse than the first time? Right?

---------- Post added 26th Jun 2016 at 03:13 PM ----------

.... imma do this craft project for my friend's birthday instead.

 

I think the craft was more about avoidance than about only calling dad when I'm in a good headspace, but..... Thanks. One thing Itold my therapist last week is that Ihave the advantage of calling dad about sexuality stuff only when I feel like it, whereas my mom is more like a cell phone jack in the box. Though, I don't always pick up her calls, if I'm not in a good head space for it.

I am going to put it on my to do list to call dad. I will see my therapist again tomorrow. I kinda want to talk to him first, even if it's on the drive to my appointment.

 

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of self injury and of eating disorders.



Istill haven't talked to Dad again about it. I need to do that.

I have been sick the past couple of days, probably as a result of sleep deprivation the couple of days before that. Whoops. Maybe Ineed to not do the sleep deprivation thing anymore.

Last night I had these really emotionally intense dreams. Iwas hanging out with my family, Ithink eating dinner at a mall restaurant. I was so angry at my mom. I wanted to hurt myself or hurt her or hurt someone so bad. I got up and left, went to the other side of the mall to this bathroom that had a lot of privacy, probably intending to hurt myself. But, they had remodeled the bathroom, so that it had like no privacy, basically toilets in like a row like at the movie theater or something. I kept trying to post on this thread and the dude taking a dump litterally right next to me kept looking at the screen. Some other dude leaned over the stall door, looked at my phone, and announced to everyone, "You're gay!? You're looking at a website for people who are gay!!" And, I'm trying to pee and not injur myself and ask for help. In the dream, Iclocked this guy so hard, once with some kind of ceramic object and once with my fist. Iscreamed at him, "Right now I'm going to either hurt myself or hurt someone else, and if you don't want it to be you, you'd better leave!!" I went for a walk around the mall, tried to find my family. Eventually found dad. He appologized for mom's bhx, said it was hard for him, too. I don't remember what else happened.

I guess I still have a lot of concerns about privacy and being outed. Like, Ikind of want my coworker-friends to out me to my remaining coworkers, so Idon't have to deal with it. But, I feel anxious about that. And, I have basically given mom carte blanche (sp?) to tell people from my home town in order to get support for herself, as long as she isn't sharing things on social media, etc. I think she has enough need for privacy right now too that she would be fairly reserved. Cognitively, I'm ok with these outings. Heart wise, I'm afraid. Control and coming out has been a big deal. I can't always be perfectly in control.

Also, though I haven't ever really cut, and Ihaven't don't other self injury (other than pulling out an eyebrow) for a long time, I've had a lot of urges lately, and Ihaven't talked to anyone IRL about that. Iprobably should.

Hmm.... I've been sick the past couple of days, tummy troubles. I used to have an eating disorder, so any time I throw up, I get very conffused about whether or not Imade myself throw up or if I did it because Iwas sick. Ihave a lot of control over that particular reaction, and usually if I'm nauseous, I prefer to just get it over with. Purging and desire to self injure have always been really linked in my experience and in my brain. Possible that my dream-brain was jumping too far over into the self injury camp because I have been sick. That also seems possible.