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Holding on

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Katchoo, Jun 24, 2016.

  1. Katchoo

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    Trigger warning, self injury impulses.

    I have a psychiatrist appointment scheduled for 2.5 weeks from now. I need it.

    Im feeling depressed. I have no intention of hurting myself, but im swatting thoughts about self injury and suicide like flies buzzing around my head. I keep telling myself, I dont want my life to end, just to get better, that I want to make it better, not make it end. Idk.

    I have some history of self injury in the shower, and I have been avoiding the shower hard core. Today, I am the smelly kid...... since I'm waxing legs and not shaving pits at the moment, I can probably just remove razors from the shower and also cut/file my nails pre shower. And put something happy to listen to on the speakers before getting in the shower. That might be fairly safe and tollerable.

    While I have been out of my antidepressant, i have been abusing caffeine for mood regulation and attention regulation, and in turn trashing my sleep cycle. I have tried to cut caffeine the last few days, and I am swatting way more thoughts. So.... sleep be damned. I will take 2 more weeks of sleeplessness and caffeine abuse until I can get back on an antidepressant.

    Ok. Plan.

    1) Keep it up with the good self talk.
    2) Remove razors from shower
    3) Keep nails trimmed and filed as not to self injure with them
    4) Drink all the coffee
    5) Look for the last few antidepressant pills and take those this week.
    6) Look for iron tabs and take those this week, because for me, anemia contributes to depression.

    All right. Thats doable. I can move.......
     
    #1 Katchoo, Jun 24, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2016
  2. Katchoo

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    Moved the razors. Made a pot of coffee. Found 8 antidepressant pills, which will go a long way towards a mid july appointment. Found the iron tabs. Gonna keep swimming.
     
  3. Tomás1

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    What's underneath your depression?
     
  4. Justasking100

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    Keep going. Exercise as good as antidepressants.
     
  5. Katchoo

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    Dude, I dont even have time to answer right now. 1) My genetically inherited chemistry. 2) my life, per several hundred other posts.

    ---------- Post added 24th Jun 2016 at 12:53 PM ----------

    Yeah, it really helps. There are just so many things I have to do in order to go exercise, though, and every step feels like swimming through jello to get there.
     
  6. baristajedi

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    Katchoo, sending love, hugs, encouragement. Keep talking to us. We're all here to listen and support. (&&&)
     
  7. baristajedi

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    How are you doing honey?
     
  8. Adray

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    Hey Katchoo, I'm sending good energy and hugs your way, too.

    Would an enjoyable distraction help at all? When I am in a dark place, I will put on the xbox, fire up the Dragon's Dogma game, and go lose myself killing monsters for a few hours. Or, I'll go for a bike ride. Maybe a movie?

    Hang in there, you are awesome.
     
  9. Katchoo

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    I made it to my 3 hour afternoon appointment. Got that done at least. Now I'm eating dollar general snacks and playing ingress. Yay, distraction. I'm okay. Just kinda gets tiring swatting away my own unwelcome thoughts at the end of a long week helping traumatized children do the same. I need to get back to the only working 4 days a week thing, even if I can only do that every other week.
     
  10. Bunny45

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    Why are somedays dark holes! The work you do with children is amazing. You are funny, interesting, and have excellent taste in comic books. You are doing super brave and difficult stuff right now which makes you even more awesome. Hugs.
     
  11. Katchoo

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    Dear tummy,

    I prefer to express my feeling with words or playdoh or silly made up songs. I do not need you to express my feelings in your many tummy ways.
     
  12. Adray

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    Anything you can eat or take to calm the tummy?

    Hang in there, keep the good distractions going if you can. I just finished a 3 hour monster-killing session, they had it coming.
     
  13. Katchoo

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    I took a really long nap earlier this evening, which further messes with my sleep cycle, but, yay naps. I think my tummy has simmered down to a normal level. I need to write a copule work things real fast and then go to sleep soon.

    Yesterday I bought like 12 cichlids and a pleco from this person who is moving. Yay non-sexual craigs list! Only paid like $20 for at least $150 of fish. After a couple months with just one fish in a 55 gal tank, I'm really happy to have so many blue and orange fish swimming around to look at.
     
  14. baristajedi

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    The fish sound lovely :slight_smile:

    I'm glad to hear you're finding ways to calm your tummy and your emotions.(*hug*)
     
  15. yeehaw

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    Hi Katchoo,

    I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

    I think your plan is an excellent one.

    The fish sound really cool!

    Why do tummies have to be SO expressive?

    Ever heard of "The Samaratins?" It's free, non-religious, TOTALLY anonymous, run by trained non-professionals. Sometimes I call them for a chat when I get too deep into the land of thoughts and impulses I don't want.

    Big supportive vibes coming your way.
     
  16. Katchoo

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    I may be sleeping at all the wrong times, but I am getting a good amount of sleep, so that's a big move up from a couple weeks ago.

    I feel like half as anxious or better compared to yesterday afternoon. I will be ok.

    What will help me today.... Productivity, moving, seeing the sun, hygiene, food groups, relaxing in the evening. What probably won't, binge watching Netflix/hulu for the whole day.

    Ok. Gonna work on my to do list now and make a plan.

    Yall are the best.
     
  17. YeahpIdk

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    Hey Katchoo. Just reading this now. Your plan is a great one! I can really relate to your feelings, swatting away unnecessary dark thoughts, but mine stem from a chronic illness I've been dealing with. Besides a psychiatrist, do you see a therapist? I'm not sure exactly how much council psychiatrists give, but antidepressants mixed with a lot of talk therapy is a good combo to get to the bottom of things.

    Keep holding on. For right now, just take moments at a time. Keeping up with hygiene, sleep, and nature are all good soothers.

    It sounds like you're doing better than when you originally posted. Happy to see it! :slight_smile: Keep talking on here when you need to.
     
  18. Katchoo

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    I do have a therapist. So thankful. Shes great. The psychiatrist is new. A general practitioner previously handled the antidepressant, but he retired, and the follow up doc is irritating and doesnt know what shes doing, so I avoided her and ran out ofmpills. Whoops.
     
  19. womaninamber

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    I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I'm lucky that my psychiatrist is pretty cool. I hope things keep going better. I can really relate to what you are going through.
     
  20. Icecold3710

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    Hi Katchoo, I hope u are feeling better now. If you needed someone to talk to just message us here or pm me or us.. hugs and kisses for u