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High School Locker Room

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by nichison, Mar 4, 2014.

  1. Ravi-VIXX777

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    This isn't the best advice, but if it gets physical, fight back. No ones going to always be there for you to fight your battles. People thought I was a wimp, overly nice but I get psychotic when you tick me off. I hit them once it got physical and they don't talk to me again-which is what I wanted.

    I would go to a corner and get dressed. Or get dressed in the bathrooms if there is no other choice. Would showing up late or early be a possibility?
     
  2. GayDadStr8Marig

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    While I understand and empathize with the urge to fight back, we have to keep in mind that most districts have zero-tolerance policies on violence. So, unless you feel like your life is threatened or at risk of serious bodily injury, if you fight back you are treated no differently than the aggressor. The amount of punishment may vary if the case can be made about the circumstances but there will be recourse taken against the victim who fights back. It's stupid but that is the knee-jerk reaction of bureaucrats who find it easier to institute these zero-tolerance policies rather than do their job and find out what really caused the violent behavior in the first place. :bang:

    Besides, this guy has already been put on notice that if he gets involved in anything he's suspended or expelled for some period of time because he already reacted to being bullied and intimidated. :eusa_doh:

    @nichison: could you reach out to one of the EC Advisors via private message? They may be able to help you get in touch with someone on the ground to help you with this. I'd love to be able to help myself, but I cannot ask for personal information like where you are specifically or anything like that to get in touch with the right resources. An Advisor may be able to at least point you in the right direction on that front.
     
  3. nichison

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    I am going to a tech school but will still be living with my mom. None of my other family is supportive, my dad makes fun of me, my grandma is very religious and is concerned "I might not be doing what is best for me" concerning heaven and hell, and my step dad refuses to even acknowledge that I'm gay. My mom is the most supportive of them all.

    And in response to SnowWhite, if I fight I will get expelled since I'm under expulsion order. And showing up early or late is not an option, my gym class is 2nd hour.
     
    #23 nichison, Mar 7, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2014
  4. GayDadStr8Marig

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    I'm glad you at least have some support from your mom, but the rest of this situation is just complete bull:***: that just breaks my heart. You deserve better, and I know it seems like every adult in your life has failed you or doesn't care, just know there are people out here who do care, who do wish there was a way to make this situation better for you. Nobody can fix your family, they have to do that themselves. Just remember when they are not supportive and accepting of you, it is in no way a reflection of you or your worth as a human being; it is entirely a reflection of them and their shortcomings.

    For the situation at school, that can be fixed if the right resources are brought on board. I hope you can reach out to an EC Adviser to help locate some resources that can help you.

    You mentioned you're going to tech school after next year when you graduate; that's a great plan, what do you hope to do with yourself after school, you know that whole nebulous 'where do you see yourself in five years' thing...? But really, more about you as a person than just a job or place to live. The point is, don't let the present situation define who you are and who you want to become as a person once this has passed.

    Take care, be safe, be strong, but most importantly be you.
    (*hug*)

    -Rich
     
  5. Ettina

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    What about the nearest big city?
     
  6. StillAround

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    GayDad pointed me to your thread late last night, and it was too late for me to compose a thoughtful response. But I did take the time to skim through your previous threads so I'd have a better sense of who you are and what you're going through.

    As you know, this site is anonymous, which makes it a safe place for you to talk. But, being anonymous, it also limits responders (like me) who don't know a lot about your specific location or school. I'm not asking for that information. It would violate EC rules, and possibly expose you even more.

    So I'm just going to work off what you've shared here... This could be long, so bear with me...

    First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. As others have said here, you have nothing to be ashamed of. There. Is. Nothing. Wrong. With. You. That may not help in the short run, but it's so important to your mental health in the long run.

    I was a high-school teacher for half my life, and a closeted gay man for over 50 years, so I get what you're going through on every level. And it makes me unspeakably sad.

    You really have, I think, two choices, and neither one is necessarily better or more correct than the other. This is really about survival, about having a future, and we all do what we can to survive. You can just try to ignore it all and survive the next year and a half, because it really does get better after that; or you can stand up to it. Only you know what the right answer is. But a lot of my comments below apply no matter what decision you make.

    Now, issue by issue...

    Depression & Anxiety
    Are you on any meds for depression or anxiety? There are lots of them, and many are inexpensive. If you are already, get a medical appointment and see whether you should be on different meds or a different dosage. And if your sexuality and/or the abuse you're suffering because of it are the cause, come clean with your doctor. He/she is bound by federal privacy laws wrt any patient 13 years old and up. If he violates it, his ability to practice medicine will be in jeopardy, and he'd be liable to a pretty big civil law suit.

    If you're not already on meds, see a doctor to evaluate whether they'd help. Tell your mom this is important, and she needs to do this to help you

    You already know this, but depression and anxiety have a pretty big impact on your grades, so it's important to remove any obstacles to learning that you can.

    If your mom is willing, try to find a gay-friendly therapist. Even if he/she's an hour or more away, it will be worth it. Again, you'd need your family's support to do this, but you can always try guilt. You know, the "If you really cared about me, you'd do this for me" sort of guilt. See "Support Outside of School" for some more on this.

    Support at School
    You said that you have an accepting friend at school, and that your Study Hall teacher is on your side. Any others?

    I know that this is hard to talk about with people you know, but doing so is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength--that you're brave enough to open up. Real friends and advocates will see that. Asking for help when you need it is true courage.

    If you can assemble a small cadre of supporters, ask them to help. For example, every time someone says "That's so gay," are they willing to call that person out on it, whether it be a student or a teacher? The behavior you're being subjected to needs to be exposed to the light in one way or another. Do you have an accepting friend in gym class who'd be willing to stand up with you when those comments come your way? As for your counselor, more later. She disgusts me.

    You shouldn't have to go through this at any point in your life, and it's most hurtful, I think, when you're young. You're only 16, and even though you're a junior in HS, you're on the young side of of your class. That makes it even harder.

    Support Outside of School
    So now we get to the nitty gritty. Google is your friend. If your computer at home is broken, go to a public library and use one there. School computers usually block sites that might help you, but I don't know about that.

    Find the nearest PFLAG chapter, and tell your mom that the two of you need to go to a meeting. There you'll find people just like you and your mom. And not only will they let you share your burden in a safe environment, to realize you're not alone--they'll also help your mom understand just how serious this all is, and maybe even point you to other helpful resources. (Free counseling and/or legal services, other support groups, even resources within your own school)

    If your mom is unwilling to go, ask a friend to go with you. If you have a license and a car, or a friend does, transportation doesn't have to be an issue, and, while it would be good for your mom to go with you, it will still be a tremendous support for you even if she doesn't.

    Check your school district and your county and state education web sites. Look for anti-bullying policies--those policies are not just about physical aggression, but verbal and emotional harassment as well. And let's assume for the moment that there is a zero-tolerance policy in place (because there is in almost every district). Print out relevant sections. You'll need them later. (And by the way, the harassment you're facing over being an atheist is the same kind of bullying as any other you're subjected to, and falls under the same policies.)

    Check out the Human Rights Campaign and ACLU. Both have a presence in every state, and both are tremendous advocacy organizations. ACLU has an army of lawyers in addition. Let them know your situation and ask for their advice and support.

    Before you approach your counselor and school administrators, write up what you want to say to them. It can even be a prepared speech. Ask your Study Hall teacher and your real friends to read and critique it. You need to be as composed and rational as you can be.

    And finally, when you have all your ducks in a row, so to speak, start up the chain of command in your school. Start with your counselor. Let her know that your classmates don't need time to adjust. They just need to stop the bullying. And set a deadline. Tell her that if, by that date, nothing changes, you'll schedule a meeting to include her, you, and the principal. Don't settle for the assistant principal. Ask your Study Hall teacher and one or two of your accepting friends to attend with you, if they're willing. And lay out the pattern of abuse. (By the way, if a kid so much as tries to grab your junk or pushes you into a wall, he can be charged with criminal assault. The police might not be sympathetic, but the school wouldn't look good. And schools hate negative publicity.) Try to have it all well-documented, even down to dates and times if you can.

    Let your school administration know that your next stop will be the superintendent and school board. Trust me that school administrators don't like negative publicity either. They have no tenure as administrators and can be fired for cause--and they know it.

    And at each stage, let them know that you're prepared to go to the Human Rights Campaign and ACLU if you have to. Just the mention of the ACLU can be enough to bring about change. But be prepared to actually follow through if it comes to that.

    As for the silent treatment, nothing to be done about that. They're shunning you. OK, shun them. As for your "friend" who outed you, nothing to be done there either. Revealing someone else's secret isn't a crime. It's just reprehensible.

    And finally, about your mom betraying your trust... I'm sorry. She just doesn't get it. But PFLAG might help her understand. If not, maybe you just have to limit the confidences you share with her. But you do have an adult in your life that, it seems, you can trust--a teacher. So trust him.

    There are so many of here who are just torn up that this is happening to you. Keep talking. We're listening.

    (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

    /Ed.
     
  7. Ravi-VIXX777

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    By fight back I mean self defense: if the bullying becomes physical. Whether you do something or not, there will always be conciquences. But obviously the best fight is one that is avoided.
     
  8. BMC77

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    Policies probably vary from school to school. But I think even self defense could result in punishment. I have a vague sense that that was the policy at my high school, more than 20 years ago.
     
  9. nichison

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    I live about two and a half hours away from Madison.
     
  10. GayDadStr8Marig

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    ok, in that case if Madison is your closest resource you may need to reach out to organizations like HRC & ACLU. Both are active organizations in Wisconsin and in Madison in particular. These two groups should definitely be able to get resources available for you if needed. As Ed so beautifully wrote earlier (thank you Ed!) try to line up your allies at school, work up the chain of command and try to get your mom back in the game. If the prospect of forcing the issue is too much right now, you are the only one who knows if that is best for you and if that is what you need to do to survive through graduation then do that knowing you have my full support and understanding. I had an awful coming out experience in college with my parents and am still dealing with the repercussions today. In fact I am preparing to come clean with my wife, probably tonight..... so you are definitely not alone in these woods, but we are walking the same path to learn how to be true to ourselves.

    Take care,
    -Rich
     
  11. bingostring

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    most of the advice here is good
    random thoughts...
    do you have any friends gay or straight at the school to support you?
    speaking to that teacher, or school counsellor, sounds a great idea and it will make you feel better to have got it off your chest
    I think you might be within your rights to boycott gym classes if nothing changes, nobody should have to go through that
    the guys ignoring you ... could that be partly in your imagination if you know what I mean?
    Good luck with everything and I hope some good changes happen soon
     
  12. nichison

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    I don't think the guys ignoring me is part of my imagination because they are always talking, it's only when I walk through that they quiet down. That, and my friend has noticed it as well, and I payed attention to that after I began to notice it.
     
  13. GayDadStr8Marig

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    I wouldn't advise boycotting gym class for a couple of reasons, unless as a last resort. First, at your age you are setting habits that will be good and bad influences on you for the rest if your life. Having a healthy active lifestyle is important to you physical and mental health. I gave up on gym class in high school and have struggled with my weight and activity level all my life because I never had a healthy lifestyle habit in my younger years.

    Second, in a sense boycotting the class because it is a stressful situation sets you up, at least unconsciously, to avoid stressful situations by shutting down or hiding the emotion instead if dealing with it honestly and working.your way through it. Here too I have dealt with the impact of conflict avoidance on my life. I finally came out to my wife last night because I could no longer look at myself in the mirror knowing she and I were not happy with the state of our relationship and there was no way I could ever be the husband she deserved.She kept asking why I never told her before, earlier in the marriage or even when we were dating preferably. It is so hard to explain, but the underlying issue is avoiding conflict.

    I hope you find a way to get through the remainder of school with some peace. In some ways it is better for the guys to get quiet as you pass by, certainly better than being teased or grabbed at or worse. As Kong as they are not being aggressive toward you, leave them be; it could be simply they are uncomfortable knowing someone who is gay, it is a small town after all, I've been there and the prospects of someone being different are daunting for both sides of the "normal line" .
     
  14. WhiteShadows

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    Have you spoken to your hall study teacher yet?
    From what you wrote he seems like someone who can support you. You don't need to be embarrassed about talking to him about it. Just say "Excuse me Mr ______, there's been something that's been bothering me, can I please talk to you about it?". Done.

    I really hope this whole mess gets better soon. (*hug*)
     
  15. Maea96

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    I don't know where you live, or how being gay is treated where you live, but it sounds like you have some ignorant and annoying homophobes in your environment.
    One of the most annoying things about being out, is when close-minded people put you in a box and start treating you like "that homo". It's like you're nothing but your sexuality. A wandering boner looking for some action.
    On topic though, I have a little tip that you could try out if you've not already found it. (or didn't tell us in your comment, anyway)
    You know those local toilets, restrooms, whatever? Go to one of those and change there! Shit got easier for me anyway.
    I figured this tip doesn't really work if you HAVE to shower after gym. I don't sweat a lot when I gym (I'm lying to myself because I don't really try that hard) So fortunately for me it's not that bad. +I've gym as my last class so we can go home and not sit in a room smelling like shit while you get those stares from people noticing.
    Those dudes are probably insecure anyway. I mean, why would they worry about a guy looking at their butts if they're confident in their sexuality? They probably feel like they need to "show" everyone around them that they're not gay, by "asserting" them that they don't like men looking at them.
     
    #35 Maea96, Mar 8, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2014