I hate hiding behind an anonymous post and almost did that with this one. I felt like it would be safer to do it that way rather than say this here with my account exposed. But the truth is I’m scared to keep this secret from the one place I said I wouldn’t keep a secret. The problem is over the last few months my depression has gotten worse. I’ve felt the slip myself and just can’t seem to get a handle on it. My doctor has noticed and is concerned. She’s even suggested me try some new meds. My therapist is very aware, I see her weekly. We are doing a lot of hard work and I’m hoping that will help me find my way back. This slip scares me! Only because I’ve felt like I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up before. Plenty of times. When I first accepted I was gay I was committed to not blowing up my family and not going back in the closet which left me only one choice and that was out. That was my reality for a few weeks. I could not actively consider it because I was taking care of my grandfather on Hopsice. This slip feels even further than that. I have to catch myself from thinking about wanting it to be over. Because I know if I entertain that where that path leads and I’m terrified. I’m hiding from everyone... including myself. All I can I do is hold on and breathe... remind myself that if I keep doing that something will give and things will get better. I just hope I have the strength to not let go!
That hope is part of your survival instinct. Please nourish it! Your username and the last line of your post reminded me of an old classic dog story by Albert Payson Terhune called "One Minute Longer". It's in the public domain and I found a free pdf on the first page of my search (I'd link but I don't think linking is allowed on EC.)
"All I can I do is hold on and breathe... remind myself that if I keep doing that something will give and things will get better." You are doing the right thing. Hang in there and let us know how it's going.
Well popular wisdom says hope, but to me hope is expecting something good will happen without evidence. The reality is that you can hang on but it doesn’t exactly meaning things will get better. My advice is to sit with the negative feelings you have (from what Buddhism tells me) without judgment and you find they will eventually lose their pull. Life is more about weathering storms than waiting for the sun.
Hey I'mStillStanding, It may not seem like it, but I think you are going in the right direction. You are talking about it with us, with a professional therapist and with a doctor. That doesn't mean things are going to be super easy, but you have a net to support you and help you to actively work on these feelings and thoughts, so you can improve. That's very, very good! Things may be dark at the moment, but there are brighter days ahead. I know, it's super cliché to say this, but that's the truth. Like MilansMele said, hang in there and keep talking to us! Better days will come.
I think dips, like you describe, are to be expected and you have to hang in there knowing you will turn a corner and be back in a better place before too long. It is part of the shit you have to go through. It is good you have a therapist who can also support you through this. Maybe by being very open in your therapy sessions you can get to the bottom of why you have slipped in to this mood. And maybe together you can also find some thing to focus on that will lift you back up. Lean on us too. Next time you are curled up in a ball under the duvet not wanting to engage, force yourself to do something new that day. Even if it is going for a long walk. Walking is good for thinking things through. Better still, see a friend or go and see a film or an exhibition with them. Meeting a friend or seeing a film is good for distracting your own mind.
Thanks guys for the feedback. I like to try and respond to everyone... but it’s hard to commit to anything right. I mean I’ve not even done Pokémon go in a while. But I am still doing therapy and putting on the bravest face I can when I have to be around people. I went to therapy today and she’s still getting on my case about caring what others think so much... surely I’m not the only person who obsesses about this. Like the other night I couldn’t sleep because all I could think about was the last rental property I was in was left in complete mess... I had not stayed there for bit until my ex left. Then I only used two rooms. Those rooms were spotless but the rest of the house was horrific and it was just bothering me... I hate the idea of people talking bad about me... of course this was three years ago that I moved out but still. Then the weight issue, I’m maintaining pretty well where I’ve been since April but I’m still big. I hate being fat... I wanna finish losing the weight for sure... This is a rambling mess sorry but yea... I’m still here pushing forward in some way I guess.
when you find yourself ‘ruminating’ about past events (especially things that cannot be changed - like the state of your apartment 3 years ago) you just need to catch yourself and force yourself to focus on something different and positive things where you can make positive changes. There is nothing to be gained by you or anyone else by churning over past events. Let go .... and focus on the present and the future
