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Hiding Your Authentic Self and Fear

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bsg75apollo, Jan 12, 2022.

  1. bsg75apollo

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    Hopefully, I won't ramble too much.

    Many years ago, in college, I almost came out to my girlfriend. At the last second I chickened out. I was afraid of rejection, discrimination, disappointing people, AIDS, homophobia, being alone, and as an only child thought I owed my parents grandkids. Throw in being confused and unsure and a good dose of Catholic guilt I was sunk before I started.

    Several years later, I married and had two kids. We eventually divorced due to unrelated issues. I thought about coming out again but I convinced myself that my ex would use it against me, I would make the kids' life more difficult, and that no one would be interested in a divorced father of two in their mid-30's with dad bod. It was fear once again.

    I remarried again. I'm not sure of the true motivation, probably going with the flow and conforming to societal norms. Fortunately, it has gone well.

    I recently started therapy to deal with depression and a serious medical issue. I have come to realize that I need to deal with some stuff I don't want to. I'm exhausted from hiding part of myself, but I have no interest in running off to chase things that probably won't happen when I don't want to lose a life that I'm happy with..

    Thoughts? Insights?
     
  2. Mj5963

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    Hello and hopefully my own journey can assist in some way because I totally understand the sentiment . Is the grass greener on the “other side.” Point of reference I am now 62 , in excellent shape as was college athlete and most always tell me I look like I am in late 40’s so I feel blessed . Married for 34 years three adult kids now one grandchild . I started exploring with guys about 16 years ago , my wife discovered it and confronted me in 2016 to which I admitted it all and essentially came out to her then . We went thru plenty of therapy And agreed our marriage ended as we knew it but we really get along great and are great friends so we decided to stay together . That was five years ago and I still remain in a place where I have many thoughts of leaving to live that “authentic” life per say but candidly what they hell
    Does that mean . All I can say is everyone has their own unique situation , the thing that has been a savior is being open and honest . I still see guys some as have a few friends with benefits . I do think what would happen if we divorce and I just don’t see me starting a new life at 62 to be what society calls authentic. So all I say is be whoever you feel happy to be ! Hope this gives some hell in your journey
     
  3. bsg75apollo

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    It does sound a little pop pysch, but for me living authentically is simply being myself without pretense.
     
  4. Rupert30

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    I don’t have any actual advice. But I envy you for knowing you are gay and accepting it - I feel if I could know this and accept it I would be able to act from there accordingly. For what it’s worth I’m certain you can live an authentic life and find someone no matter your age/self image situation
     
  5. Contented

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    Age has no bearing on living authentically . For me means being exactly who you are without reservations, shame or second guessing. It’s not necessary to change your life, fly an LGBTQ flag, find a boyfriend but rather know your own self well enough to acknowledge your feeling and emotions and honestly embrace your true sexuality first to yourself.
     
    Alex2, Peterpangirl, eron and 2 others like this.
  6. old tacoma

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    @Contented has it right. You decide who/what “authentic” means for you. Others can tell you their experience, but ultimately you determine your own authenticity. A quote from Dr Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
     
  7. Peterpangirl

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    That's spot on. Nobody could say it more succinctly, Old Tacoma.