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Hi worried mum

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by mumslove, Sep 17, 2014.

  1. mumslove

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    Hi, My 12 year old son told me yesterday he thinks hes Gay, hes told me in total confidence on our own and does not want me to tell his father.

    I asked him how he thinks he is gay and said well you know! he said he finds boys attractive sometimes when he sees them and has for a while. (he did say this about 1 1/2 years ago but then later said he wasn't and said he did it for attention). I told him that no matter if gay or straight I love him and always will he is still the same person, I also said that 12 is a very difficult and confusing age going though puberty and sexual feelings sometimes get confusing as well. Did I do right?? this is eating me up today as I don't know what next step to take, hes a great kid but lately he has been saying that as busy parents we do nothing with him lately and are all for his younger sisters.

    Im worried.
     
  2. Richie.

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    I don't think he is confused, he will know likely if he is gay. Denial is a stage a lot of gay people go through probably why he distanced himself from his earlier confession.
    I don't think you needed to tell him his thoughts are confusing sounds a bit dismissive to me on your part. All you needed to tell him was, his thoughts are perfectly fine, whatever he feels is ok and you love him no matter what.

    Maybe spend some more time with him take him to the cinema by himself and out for a pizza make him feel special. He sounds like he needs some extra reassurance from you.

    And don't be worried, just be accepting.
     
    #2 Richie., Sep 17, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2014
  3. black-cat

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    You did fine, try not to worry too much.

    It is great that you told him that you would love him no matter what. Even though 12 is very young, a lot of people on here including myself figured that we were gay by the time we were 8 or 9, so 12 isn't *that* young from when kids start to figure it out.

    Try to keep things as normal as possible, don't make a big deal out of it. Perhaps spend some quality time with him, even if that is just driving him to school alone, and tell him again that you still feel the same- you love him no matter what and you won't tell your husband. He did well to come out to you and it shows that you are doing very well parenting that he trusts you to say this.

    He may well be in a "phase" of be confused, but baring in mind he has told you, I think it is safe to say that he is pretty sure that he is gay, and like I said, he has probably known about this for a few years. You did a great job. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Rose22

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    :thumbsup:
    You did a great job!! We all just want to hear that our parents still love us and you did that :slight_smile:

    (*hug*)
     
  5. mumslove

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    Hi, Thank you for your replies.

    Richie I was not trying to be dismissive when we were chatting I discussed that puberty makes you feel all sorts of feelings, when he said he "thinks hes gay" I was trying to reassure him that until he knows for sure that I will always be here and stand by him. He said he is not discussing it with anyone but me as if any friends find out and hes not sure then he will get bullied as he said kids at his school are homophobic and immature!! this worries me.
    thanks for listening.
     
  6. black-cat

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    I understand that you are worried about him being bullied, and unfortunately that is what many parents worry about, trying to keep their kids safe in the "outside" world.

    Hopefully as he trusts you enough to come out, he will trust you enough to say something if and when he gets trouble at school about it. Kids are ghastly and will find something to be horrible to him about if they are going to, which is rather sad. Do you know how his best friend(s) are when it comes to gays? You say the other kids at school are homophobic and immature, I was wondering if his actual friends had any more.... understanding.
     
  7. mumslove

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    Unfortunately I feel most of his friends are to immature to deal with anything like this he would certainly not be able to confide in any of them. In an area where football dominates their lives and the lives of their fathers.
     
  8. black-cat

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    Yeah, I understand that. I am just outside Liverpool. There is a lot of prejudice towards gays, particularly gay men when everything revolves around football and being manly. You are doing fantastic, many people would be very lucky to have a mum like you!
     
  9. mumslove

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    Thanks Black Cat I appreciate the advice. Will keep everything as normal and have some time on our own in the next few days.
     
  10. black-cat

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    It is a pleasure, mums worry way to much! Hahha. Good luck, I am sure it will go fine. :slight_smile:
     
  11. darth vader

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    Hi mom! What are you worried about? That things might be harder for him as a gay man? That he will experience discrimination and all that shit? Well, in a sense you are right in worrying a bit but eventually he would have to face all these things. But you know what mom? Your acceptance, encouragement and nurturing attitude towards him will mold him and make him a tough guy. Tough enough to be true to himself and face the world. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Candace

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    I think you did nothing wrong in this. I think that it's better that you did worry than not worry at all. Welcome to EC, by the way :slight_smile:
     
  13. TwinNumber2

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    I did a similar thing when I was your sons age. Although I think I might have been 13. Anyway my Mums reaction was pretty similar. She told me it might a phase. I came out to her properly when I was 20. Your son will know that he's gay. He's probably just not 100% sure if he wants to totally come out or not. I mean once you're out the closet you can't really go back in. I think your reaction was fine. If you'd told him that people are aware of their sexuality from a young age and stuck that way, I don't imagine he'd have taken it well. Twelve is a pretty you age to come out. People he goes to school with will still be extremely immature about it. Just hold on a few years and things will get easier for him. Trust me :slight_smile: You sound like a pretty good Mum, one that lots of people on this site would be grateful to have.

    He might receive discrimination but I reckon by having an accepting and encouraging Mum will make up for that!
     
  14. Quem

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    Welcome te EC! You are a very understanding mother and it's completely okay to worry. He is very lucky to have an accepting mother, that helps him a lot!
     
  15. PatrickUK

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    First things first, welcome to Empty Closets. It's always nice to see parents join and participate in the forum.

    Your reaction was fine. If you read this forum, you will see so many horror stories from our younger (and older) members, who have been rejected by parents at the mention of the word gay. There is nothing more traumatic than being rejected by a parent. You offered love, care and support and that's exactly what's needed. Even so, it's not easy for you and you may be processing a number of conflicting emotions right now - that's fine too.

    This page contains some useful information for parents (if you haven't already viewed it): Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief

    Also, you may find the services of FFLAG useful. Here is a link to their UK website:http://www.fflag.org.uk/

    If you'd like even more information, check out the Stonewall website: stonewall.org.uk

    There is a forum board for Parents and Family members and you may find it helpful to read some of the past discussions on there.

    Thank you for being a supportive Mum :slight_smile:
     
    #15 PatrickUK, Sep 17, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2014
  16. resu

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    You are a great mother. I agree that he's probably not as confused as he claims, but he is very sensitive to how others will feel. The best thing is to get him (and yourself) support, like what Linco has described. This forum is good, but it helps to talk to real people. One thing I've found in my own life and others is that we often subconsciously become close friends (gay or straight) who are more tolerant. If he can find such friends, they will be a great resource (along with his parents) in weathering any discrimination.
     
  17. happydavid

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  18. Komnenos

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    Hi mumslove,

    I knew about that age as well. The way I describe it (now, not then) is when my friends started noticing girls, I started noticing my friends. I think it is great that you support him unconditionally, and that's only going to become more important as time goes on, he becomes sure of himself, and potentially come out to others.

    I completely understand not wanting to tell his father. I was so nervous that I had made sure I moved out first because I just didn't know what would happen (conservative father). My father was the very last person I told, and that actually upset him because he didn't want to be the last to know. And coming out to him was, quite frankly, intimidating. Fathers have expectations for their sons that are just different from anyone else. I can't really describe it, it just feels different. In time my father came to terms with it. Although he still "doesn't agree with it" he loves and supports me, and that's all that matters, and I'm sure that's all that matters to your son as well.

    I am happy he was able to say something early. I did not.

    You are handling this well, and although you may also be confused, you will likely find satisfying answers in time. Signing up here was a great start.
     
  19. C06122014

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    He doesn't seem confused, but it does seem like he was nervous to tell you at that point in time. You, In My opinion did the right thing, you treated him like you Normally would which is I think the best thing you should do. Remind him it's ok by treating him normally but acknowledge the fact that he's gay by not asking him if he has a girlfriend, if he finds any girls attractive. I'm not saying ask him if he has a boyfriend, but never assume your kids are straight because that beleive it or not hurts A LOT. Well you seem like a great parent and I would just like to again welcome you to EC and I hope that we are able to help you so that you may help your son

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  20. slestell

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    You sound like a great mom and have the same worries I have as a mother of a 12 year old boy. 12 is a confusing time but I would guess that if he has told you, he is pretty certain. I know when my son told us earlier this year he kind of "walked it back" a bit....said that he was confused and didn't know for sure. Then, a couple of months ago he just told me flat out that there was no confusion and that he was gay. Like you, I worry about bullying and harm and all kinds of other things. As another mom told me, however, if it wasn't this, I would be worrying about him for something else. Very true as we moms do like to worry!