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Hi, I need help with my religious mother-

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by elli0t, Aug 2, 2021.

  1. elli0t

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    This is my first ever post so sorry if I do something wrong with formatting etc.

    Basically, I came out as a transgender male to my mother a few months ago (maybe a year now) and I've been living with my dad ever since. Lately, however, I discovered I'm genderfluid (not genderqueer, I personally do not identify with that term), pansexual and use he/they pronouns...
    How am I supposed to tell her? I'm telling my dad and my step mum on my birthday (4th August) but I don't know what to do..

    I have a little half-sister that belongs to her and my stepdad who they're refusing to even tell I'm not her sister anymore... not to mention my 2, full, transphobic sisters who also live there.
    I don't know what I'm supposed to do and all I really need is someome to talk to and be my friend right now (I came out at school and am now relentlessly verbally bullied (possibly getting physical), and lost a lot of friends for just being who I am..)

    Please comment if you have any advice or message me if we can be friends..?
     
  2. DragonChaser

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    Hi, Elliot. I'm Lydia. It's nice to meet you.

    I'm happy you reached out. That really is the first step in finding the answers you're looking for. I'll offer what insight I can.

    First, the situation with your mother. I'm happy for and proud of you for learning more about yourself on your journey of self-discovery and being so willing to embrace it. Not allowing others to dictate who you are is something I admire. However, to be frank with you, dear, it sounds like she's already rejected you coming out the first time. I don't think honing the point would make things any easier and might only further complicate your relationship with her.

    I do think you should tell those who already accept you, so they can better understand your needs and wishes in your transition, but I would bet those who don't accept you as a transman wouldn't be more willing to do so if they found out it was actually a different flavor of transgenderism.

    In truth, your family may never embrace who you are. I'm so sorry to say that. I really am. However, it's something I think you're already coming to understand. Also, and I truly don't mean to sound callous because this comes from a place of love, but you need to be more cautious in who you tell and when.

    You mentioned school is becoming a dangerous place for you as a result of coming out. Unfortunately, that's why "the closet" exists at all. Because sometimes it's not safe for us to be who we are openly. I hate that as much as the rest of us, but we have to be very calculating.

    It's so wonderful and beautiful that you're on this journey, and it's so inspiring that you're so free in it. And it makes me feel like a monster pulling the wings off a butterfly to even suggest you should be anything except totally free to explore every facet of yourself and actualize in the way that makes you happiest. But you're living the consequences of revealing your true self to the wrong people. Again, I hate even saying this to you. But it may be what you need to hear.

    On the positive side of things, it sounds like your father and step-mother accept you. Maybe I misunderstood the situation, but I assume you came out to them as well. If you haven't, though, it might be best not to. What might be best is to take it a step at a time. Try to hint at it rather than just saying it. Test the waters, so to speak.

    Also, if there are any LGBTQ+ student groups at your school, find one. Get yourself some allies. I don't want to tell you to walk back who you are or what you've identified yourself to be, but you need to keep yourself safe. That may mean some sacrifices. If it does, I'm sorry you have to go through that. You don't deserve it. But it's better to be safe. It really is. Any one of us would agree.

    I hope that helps for now. If I can help in any other way, I'll do my best, because I care about you and I'm cheering you on, even if you don't hear it :blush:
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    As far as messaging, while you are still a regular member you can only message with Admins and Moderators. Once you have been a member long enough and have enough posts you can apply for full membership, as a full member you can message other full members.

    As far as advice. I wish that I could go back and tell myself to walk away from all of the people who do not accept me for who I am. It seems that you are living with a parent and step-parent who at least somewhat accept who you are, concentrate on that and on anyone who does accept you. For those who do not accept you simply reduce your contact with them as much as possible.

    As far as the bullying at school, can you or your parents talk to the administration or the teachers and see if they can do something about it? I am under the impression that most Australian schools have anti-bullying policies (even if they are not very effective at it).
     
  4. quebec

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    Elli0t.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: There is a sub-forum here titled “Gender Identity and Expression” if you post there I think you’ll find people who will understand what you are dealing with. Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important factors in deciding when to come out are:
    *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you. This may not apply to you right now, as you have already come out to some people but I put it in for you to think about!
    *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. This is very important. You are in a position that could go several different ways so it could very well be the best choice to not come out any more than you already have. You may need to wait until you are out of the house and on you own...when it's safe to come out!
    *****Being out in middle school/high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can still be a problem. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out.
    *****The very most important part of coming out for you is your safety. I hope you can find some friends at school. Is there a gay-straight alliance at your school? Or is there a LGBTQIA+ support organization is your community that would have groups that you could join for friends and help? Whether you can find those or not...you will still have Empty Closets! We will be here for you and hopefully some of our younger members will see your post and contact you. Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and we do care! Please do keep us updated on how this all works out.
    .....David :Gay_pride_flag: