Hi from England

Hi Secretme

I have literally just signed up a few minutes ago as I too have been struggling with intense feelings of attraction towards women (and if I'm being honest it's been like this for the last 10 years at least). I'm in a long term relationship with a straight man and have been for the last 6 years.

I saw your post and thought I'd reply due to the similar circumstances...

Can I ask what brought you here today? Can you expand a little on your story?

 

Thanks for the reply Secretme.

I can't even imagine how conflicted you must feel...having a family certainly changes your priorities.

I'm 29, have been in a relationship for the last 6 years with a straight guy...I guess I've always had something niggling in the back of my mind over the years since I was in my teens. I've had serious crushes here and there but never acted on anything and I've never been with a women at all.

Recently it's pretty much all I've been thinking about, and I'm unsure why. I've not told a soul how I feel, I don't really know how my partner would take it to be honest. But there are definitely strong feelings of wanting to explore my sexuality. Since I was 17 I've been in two long term relationships spanning my 20s, so I've never really had a chance to meet other women etc. I definitely feel a stronger attraction to women than to men, and it's been a lot more intense recently.

Much like yourself, I love my partner but I'm not IN love with him anymore, if that makes sense? He is an amazing boyfriend and I will always think very highly of him, but I don't think we are on the same page when it comes to our future. Finishing things with him absolutely terrifies me...

I've come here to share and to listen, and to hopefully help in any way I can (although considering my situation, it will mostly be sharing and listening!)

 

The thing is with our relationship is that we get on really well, so it helps a lot when I need to keep up appearances. The sex is a bit boring and samey...I can't say that when I'm with him I want to rip his clothes off! It's definitely not as frequent now either but I put that down to being in a long term relationship and is probably fairly normal.

There was never that passion there really...I fell in love with the person he is but in addition to my growing feelings towards women I don't think that's enough anymore?

 

I'm lucky in that marriage and children are off the table; both of us aren't interested at all in either.

I've actually thought of maybe broaching having more of an open relationship, but I think that's avoiding the underlying truth of maybe me not being in love with him anymore. He wouldn't agree to it anyway...!

It must be so difficult for you, how do you get through it? Your family is obviously very important to you, but surely you deserve to be happy? So much easier said than done though...what made your husband ask you five years ago if you were attracted to women, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm emotionally so confused!

 

Welcome Secretme!

 

Your situation sounds similar to mine, I can relate to some of the points you've raised. I too would say (it's not great to stereotype but unfortunately most people do it, including myself subconciously) I'm a bit of a tomboy and get on well with men more than women. Over the years I've had a handful of people question I was lesbian due to the way I dress, look (I have short hair - shocker ) and carry myself. I remember once at work in the canteen it came up somehow in front of a group of colleagues and I immediately dismissed it, got quite hot and angry about it - how dare people question my sexuality based on what haircut I have! Haven't they got anything better to do?!

Anyway, you are being incredibly selfless sacrificing your happiness for the time being until your children are older. It can't be easy and I applaud you, but I hope it doesn't have a negative effect on your wellbeing.

 

How did that make you feel, having that interest from a woman?

I've not really had any overtly obvious female flirting, I think my earliest memory of thinking I was maybe different was at a friend's sleepover when I was 14...I remember sleeping on the floor and this other girl was sleeping next to me. It was quite a confined space where we were, so I turned away from her to face the wall. She turned towards me and got really close, basically spooned me but I was up so close against the wall there was nowhere for me to go! I went so rigid with nerves, my heart was pumping a million miles an hour - I had no idea what to do, so I just lay there until she moved away. It could well have been completely innocent on her part, but for me it was exciting and nervewracking and weirdly amazing...I've always wondered if she was really asleep or not...nothing was ever mentioned between us afterwards.

I will change the subject as a distraction! If you don't mind me asking, where and what did you study? I won't be offended if you'd rather not say. I did my undergraduate degree in York Uni and loved every moment of it! Miss it a lot sometimes...

 

I can definitely see how annoying that situation would have been. Not very nice at all to be potentially used as a means to get revenge...

York is the best, a big part of this fantasy of starting anew involves moving back there! I studied Archaeology...the idea of unearthing something that hasn't been touched for hundreds, thousands or even hundreds of thousands of years mystifies and fascinates me! Although sadly I didn't end up in a career related to it, it's more of an interest now.

I'm finding this outlet quite cathartic already. It's bringing back a lot of memories that are clear indicators of how I have been feeling over the last few years, but that I've surpressed due to circumstances at the time. Are you finding it at all helpful?

 

It makes complete sense. From reading other threads on here I can see that it's a very accepting and non-judgemental place which is exactly what a lot of people like ourselves need. Hopefully one day we can both be ourselves anywhere at anytime! But for now the support network is comforting.

Well jobs in the field are hard to come by, I was planning on doing a masters in London but met my current partner soon after graduating which changed my trajectory a bit...I stayed at home and got a job, we bought a house together and here I am.

Never thought I would post anything about this anywhere but glad I did now

 

It's very difficult not to think of the "what ifs"...I've always wondered where I would be now if I hadn't met my partner at the time I did.

It's interesting you mentioned about if the roles were reversed, it's never really occurred to me to think of it from that perspective.

Based on what you said about your family, I take it they would not be accepting of your coming out? Or would it be more about the spearation aspect? Or both?