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Hi friends - lots of updates :)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Mar 30, 2017.

  1. baristajedi

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    Hi friends,

    It's been a while since I've had a chance to post updates. It feels like so much has been happening lately!

    I was hoping to share a bit about things, in my life, as they are now...

    Where to start?

    My girlfriend:

    so I'm still dating the same woman. Shes had a lot of changes in her life... (when we started dating, she was in an open marriage) after a lot of introspection, she's decided to separate from her husband. She just feels that she can't identify as bisexual anymore, she believes something has been gradually shifting in her sexuality over the last 10-12 years and at this point in her life she feels that she only wants to be with a woman. So it's sad for her family, but she feels it's right.

    And our relationship just keeps feeling more special. It's something I've never felt before. Of course we both feel we have big priorities to focus on getting our families settled, but we both feel we have something really precious and special.

    Her ex and I had actually built up a friendship from early on when I started dating her, and we were still chatting everyday for a while after the separation, and he was even helping me see my ex's perspective a bit better. But in the last week, things have hit him pretty hard I think, so we're not really spending time around each other. But I think he's trying to stay in contact with *my* ex... maybe they can support each other.


    My separation:

    it always feels like a snail's pace but we are making steady progress on getting our flats sorted and other practical things. We behave as if we're separated at home now, alternating nights home and out so that our daughter gets used to the schedule.
    I have started sorting out my visa, which is a huge practical thing, my boss thinks my company can sponsor me, so I will not be dependent on my ex husband.
    We're steadily getting a little better at communicating...

    Introducing my daughter to things:

    So I've been trying to drop little bits of things in conversation to my daughter. My ex is not ready yet for her to meet my girlfriend but I talk about her and her boys and even her ex to my daughter. She knows i spend nights there sometimes and that my GF is special to me. I've keep reminding her casually that love is love. Women love women, men love men and women/women, men/men get married. We talk about rainbows, gay pride, and so on. She loves my pride flag and bracelets!

    She seems happy and relaxed so far about everything.

    Being out:

    I came out on FB, it was humbling. I'm so blessed by the love and support of my friends and family. Everyone was so incredibly supportive.

    I'm now out to everyone except 3 mutual friends with my husband, and I have decided to come out to them next chance I have. I'm not fully out at work but I know I'll drop it casually.

    I am out to my boss though... I'll explain that in a moment. :slight_smile:

    And then of course there are the random people you don't see often who I am not out to. That's still a tense thing for me, because I don't yet know if I can be straightforward when I see some of those people, because my ex is still wanting it to be a secret.... I have to tell him soon that i can't live like that anymore.... I've got to be honest, and open about my life.

    Already a group of our friends ran into me with my GF, being quite cozy and affectionate together.

    I am feeling less trapped each day though, I do see the end of all these secrets on sight.

    Other stuff:

    Well I've been running a support group for people coming out late in life, and it's gotten quite busy. So many people need this support. Not all of the people coming to the group are in this same position; the late in life coming out journeys vary, but it's felt so rewarding having this community build up, and all of us supporting each other.

    I've also started talking with my boss about me starting a support system for LGBT staff on our company. It's a simple idea; me acting as a point in contact for emotional support, help finding resources, help with policies for LGBT staff, etc. If you need any form of LGBT support, see baristajedi, basically.

    And that's my new job, so as I've mentioned, I'm still not out at to everyone... but I love this job, soon I'll drop things into conversation. It hasn't felt like something that will be easy, but I'm determined not to be closeted and unhappy at this job. And of course, when they see I'm the LGBT staff advocate, that will likely open up some conversations. :slight_smile:


    I think that's it at the moment....


    How are you all doing?
     
    #1 baristajedi, Mar 30, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2017
  2. SiennaFire

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    Wow, this is a great update to wake up to. You have used your passion to gain victory and break your chains. You are well on your way to creating an authentic life for yourself. If you pause and reflect on how far you've come, you'll be amazed. You've made amazing progress, and we're all so proud of you!

    (&&&)
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Mar 30, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2017
  3. looking for me

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  4. CameOutSwinging

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    So much great progress going on, barista! Great job!
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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  6. Zen fix

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    Nice update Barista. Happy for you.
     
  7. Adray

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    Great job, Barista!

    I just came out to my boss at work yesterday. I was a nervous wreck. I should have picked some place other than his office for the talk. But it went well once I got the words out. He is supportive. So I'm with you there.

    I am also planning a FB coming out, for Sunday. Was yours long or short (if you don't mind sharing). Mine will probably be long, but I haven't drafted it yet.

    I'm happy for you. Keep on moving forward!
     
  8. I'm gay

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    Hey Baristajedi,

    So great to hear this wonderful progress.

    I'm out to pretty much everyone in my life except for the occasional person I run across who I haven't seen in a long while. As for FB, I didn't post a "coming out" message, but based upon my activity on it, the only people in my friends list who haven't figured it out by now are totally clueless or don't follow me. :lol:

    As for daily life, I'm still working on finding a new normal. Things haven't felt normal to me since I first came out last June. Have you found a normal yet?

    This whole journey is so full of everything life has to offer emotionally, from the gut-wrenching lows to the joyous highs and everything in between. But I move forward day by day, living with honesty, integrity, and authenticity. So wonderful to see you moving forward too!

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  9. Stewie

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    (&&&)That's great!!! It's so nice to hear positive updates
     
  10. baristajedi

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    Thanks everyone! I'm feeling really good about where my life is going.

    Siennafire - :wink: yes that siggy has become quite significant to me. And all the insight that you've given me that goes along with it, it has really helped me grow. I was looking back at some of my old posts not that long ago. It's humbling to think about how I felt then and how I feel now. Everyone here has helped me build my courage so much. I'm really grateful for this community.

    lookingforme - wow, that is a really courageous letter! Have you heard from your parents since then??

    Wow, Adray, that's huge, so glad you're boss was supportive. Go you!!

    I'mgay, you've come so far!! that's all amazing progress. As to your question, i have yes, and no, haven't found a new normal... i'm still in transition, so there's always that future "normal" that i keep looking forward to. But, i do feel like i've reached a sort of level place in the transition period. Things are starting to feel a bit more routine. I feel like our expectations in our home are becoming more normal, that my daughter is getting accustomed to everything. I have a very wonderful set of friends, and my girlfriend who i see on a regular basis. And i was just thinking the other day, when i went to this really relaxed gay pub with my girlfriend, the barkeep smiling familiarly at me (he def recognises me at this point), my arm around my girlfriend, being affectionate with her as we sipped a drink at our table.... I feel like I've always been out. The thought that i used to be in the closet, living straight outwardly, that seemed really far away.... that was a really good feeling.
     
    #10 baristajedi, Apr 2, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2017
  11. looking for me

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    hey jedi, nothing since sunday morning when she responded to a FB message that i left the letter for them to read and that im here to talk. she said she couldnt speak about it now.... talk about being left on tender hooks.

    soo happy that you're getting to a good place for you, your daughter and your girl friend. hoping to get there some day myself. (*hug*)
     
  12. baristajedi

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    The most important thing is that you had the courage to reach out to them about everything, you made a brave move Sarah. Now they can choose to accept you or not, but you've made a huge step in accepting yourself by giving them that letter. I know how vulnerable it feels when you put out that kind of personal set of feelings to people you love. Big hugs, friend (*hug*) they may just need some time. I hope they can come around and be supportive.
     
  13. looking for me

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    Thank you jedi.(*hug*) i hope so too, but ever forward, like a friend told me more than once in another life.
     
  14. CharacterStudy

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    Ah well done. It's so nice to see such a positive update. I'm sure having an LGBT advocate in a company will make other people feel more comfortable too. I've known situations where one new and out person arrived in a supposed 100% straight organisation. Doors (closet doors) started flying open. Just needed one person to make that move.

    I volunteer on LGBT issues at my organisation (along with a number of others) and there's a lovely little community of like-minded LGBT folk and allies that has built up in the last year. And now we're taking that out to the public.
     
  15. Peterpangirl

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    Baristejedi - you seem to be managing your life skillfully. I admire your brave stance in the workplace.
     
  16. afgirl

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    Barista,

    Such good things to hear from you. Alas, my girlfriend and I never managed to work things out, but have remained on good terms. Sometimes it's the little things, right? It's hard to go from being so close to someone to very little contact at all.

    But....I have met someone else. Another woman..just seeing where it is going. She is in the middle of getting out of a 17 year marriage, has children, been in an open relationship forever. She is so interesting.

    It's hard to look back and see how much things have changed in such a short time. I am happy for you and all that is happening.

    A
     
  17. LostInDaydreams

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    Sounds like a lot of good things are happening for you. Amazing progress! :slight_smile:
     
  18. mnguy

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    Wow, you're freaking amazing, congrats!! Running the group and being an advocate at work are really awesome things!! The comment about your ex wanting it to be a secret made me wonder if he feels like the less people know, the less real this all is. I dunno, just popped into my head when I read that part. Sounds like things are going great and I hope it continues. Take care!
     
  19. mellie

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    Congratulations on moving forward! It's not an easy process, but you're getting there!

    ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2017 at 09:28 AM ----------

    And by the way . . . I know you hear it all the time: "Kids are resilient." Trust that they are. This isn't a cliche for no reason at all. My two girls have been through a lot in the past couple of years, and are happy as can be :slight_smile: