Hi & Bi

hi @hmmm23968 so glad to hear you have a community you can relate to. i used to visit NYC often but it has been awhile. i bet it is a fun place to live!

 

hello @alwaysforever thank you, i would really like that!

 

hey @Jakebusman yes! that’s the club i’m in. some days are much easier than others

 

@Jakebusman how does it work for you? are you open? do you have support?

 

well, i’m so glad to meet you and hope that you can be comfortable here.

 

well, under the circumstances, pretty well i guess.

early on in our relationship we were listing pre-marital bucket list stuff and he said “hike the appalachian trail” and i said “be with a woman”...

we were young, and i really didn’t know what that meant, it just came out and he said he wasn’t surprised.

not to tell too much of his story, but his mom left his dad for a woman when he was very young. not a very nice woman either, and she always came first, before the children... the rest of that story is his to tell, but those details matter, and are a part of my story.

anyhow, i know he fears the same thing happening to him. he knows i don’t deserve to carry the weight of her choices. but it is tough all around.

he says he understands me, and i know he loves me. occasionally he kind of makes digs at me, usually in arguments, like asking if i think a woman would be better for me.. i know he hurts from the way things happened with his mom.. but it perpetuates hurt for both of us when he assumes i will abandon him. i am very honest, he even knows i am in a forum looking for community and shaw he is glad i found somewhere to talk.


so fast forward about ten years into our relationship, married and with kids and i had the realization i was in fact attracted to women, full on bisexual.

and this is what happened around the timing i came out... it was just after taking a trip to hike with a good friend. i didn’t know when she invited me to visit, but she was in the process of leaving her husband. she also happened to be bi. nothing happened, and he knows that.

she did develop feelings for me, and we all discussed it. ultimately, they kind of even argued over me. she has an adventurous lifestyle and led on that she wanted to spoil me. there is more to this story as well, but no line crossing, no cheating, maybe a bit of a crush... but i was fully open and honest with all parties.

if anything it made him realize he may not have been fulfilling our relationship emotionally.

a few years later, i am still friends with the woman, and we have both grown into better people on our separate paths. i am so happy we didn’t cross that line. grateful that she gave me the courage to come out to myself, and that our friendship is as strong as ever.

my husband occasionally says things like “you want some non attached sexy time with a woman? that would be okay” “want to go see burlesque” or “i wouldn’t mind if you had experience with a woman or women, if only they weren’t emotional affairs”

i am just unsure how to take that, and unsure about how i feel about it all.

i wrote a little bit more about somethings that have come up between us on this topic on another thread. i’ll see if i can find it and paste some if it here.

it’s a long story, but i hope worth sharing.

 

from the other thread.


“shortly after coming out the conversations were fueled by some emotional stuff from his past, and i understood why but also have remained strong in knowing that wasn’t my weight to carry- but it made me worry he would resent me, maybe even forever.

then he was almost angrily talking about leveling the playing field, even though i had never expressed interest in being non monogamous, he was assuming i wanted to.. and maybe he wasn’t wrong.. we discussed if i had an opportunity to be with women, why shouldn’t he!? we talked about it not being the same as being with someone who couldn’t offer what i could.. like what is fair? if i was with a woman, he could be with a man? (does this make sense?) at the time he said he’d never consider wanting that, but if i could be with another woman so should he be able to- and there was anger or resentment in his tone. it was all so fresh, and i had recently spent a week hiking the pacific northwest with a dear friend, who was also bisexual.. i am a very honest person, maybe to afault, but in the back of his mind i could see he wasn’t sure about it all.

he also discussed it needing to be mutual, like if i was with a woman, she must like him too...

this wasn’t just one discussion, but many, overtime.

i think i hurried myself in working hard and staying busy, but my desire has only grown”...

our marriage has its ups and downs but i have stayed the course through some pretty hard stuff.


...perhaps one day i’ll wrote a blog or a book and fill in all of the details?